Any idea what's wrong.. or just what I should do, I guess?

Question

Let me sum up my past here. I'm 17/F. I had depression and anxiety my whole life, and attempted suicide back in January. I survived, got prescribed Paxil and go to therapy every week or so. I got better for a while, and then things started getting ridiculous. I have this adrenaline obsession. I drive my car too fast, and crashed it on Monday, chasing my boyfriend. I've become promiscuous. He has no idea I cheat on him, but I can't help myself and I don't even feel bad. I've gotten into drugs and alcohol, and I recently lied to my psych so I could get prescribed sleeping pills. I haven't cut in a month cause my dad took my blade away but I still have my lighters so I can burn myself and smoke cigs to relax. I do things that are risky to make myself feel alive, I guess. What worries me is that I'm probably this horrible person and I don't really even give a ****. I'm just curious if there is a name for what's become of me, this apathetic teenaged loser. I lie ruthlessly and lose friends and it's just like.. I don't care. As long as I can keep sleeping around and taking things to mess around with my brain, I don't care. Whatever makes me feel good, alive.

Answer 1

I think what you need is a productive goal in life. Your 17, start looking into things like college and graduation. Go take some campus tours of universities. Find something in life that inspires you to want to get up in the morning. Take up a healthy hobby, Every little thing can help. I hope you get over everything your going threw. :)

Answer 2

Im no professional or anything but you are showing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. You should be honest with psych as they may be able to help more. Good luck

Answer 3

Well, you sound smart, so that is your biggest hope right now.

Just remember, you will still be YOU a few years down the line, and how your life will be then depends on the choices you make now.

The people around you later on who will have a good job, stable money, a good relationship, etc. will have those things because they stayed in school, nurtured their relationships, focused on denying instant gratification in exchange for sacrifice that pays off later.

Life should be a balance... you do some fun things but you also do some responsible things. The most important thing in what you say is that you do these things and you "don't care". Unfortunately for a LOT of people, they don't learn until something becomes painful or a necessity. The problem with that is usually by the time the negative consequences come, you will be in a lot worse of a position to make something good at that point. Will someone still be paying for your housing and your food and your medical insurance, or will your lack of respect for anything provided to you mean that people will kick you to the curb. While people are working hard to provide for you, they expect you to put in some work toward yourself. Few people are going to support anyone for long who is uncaring, unappreciative, and doesn't do a thing to better themselves. It's not fair to the people who care for you, and soon enough they won't anymore.

Remember one thing from all this: you can still choose to do whatever you want. After all, it's your life. Just please, don't ever blame someone else. Don't play the victim. You sound smart enough to know YOU are doing it to yourself, so don't later ask OTHER people to care about you, when you don't give a c**p.

So, if you want to live that kind of life, you will end up with those kind of people, who are selfish, can't be trusted, and don't have any kind of real depth. It's a sad and lonely world you're looking towards and if you don't develop some skills and relationships now, you may be in a place where it's too late down the line.

Oh and drugs will definitely s***w you up to where even when you might want to do something more for yourself, they may hold you down. I know plenty of people who could have been somebody if they weren't slaves to some chemical that provided them a cheap and totally un-real high.

The highs that are best are those accomplished through some real effort.

Answer 4

The good part of all this, is you have a great concience that's coming through after the effects of drugs are done on your body! You know that doing these things are wrong and that they need to stop, you ask for advice and it's inspiring really.

What you need to do is lay off the drugs and such as much as you can, and when you feel you're recovering enough to have a serious conversation go to an adult that you trust and talk it over with them. It could be a parent, neighbour, friend, teacher etc.

With your boyfriend, you should dump him. If even after the drugs you're not concerend about cheating on him than you don't love him at all, and it's not a good thing to use him like that. He deserves to go find someone who can love him, and you need to do the same, only you need someone more supportive and carring that'll keep you out of this.

Best of luck,