Any more funny sayings?

Question

I've already posted one request, but I'm opening this question because I've just remembered another funny one. It's an old Chinese Proverb which goes:

Old Chinese Proverb: (you've got to put on a Chinese accent to make this really funny) - man with erection who walks sideways through a door naked - is going to Bangcock!

Any more?

Answer 1

man who run infront of car get tired,

man who run behind car get exausted

Answer 2

CatsRule took the last few from e-tales. It's a great book. She took them from the second one.

Some of mine:

"Aging doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese"

e-tales: "I love Cats, they taste just like Chicken!"

Answer 3

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer! but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Some minds are like concrete

thoroughly mixed up

and permanently set.

Answer 4

The optimist proclaims we life in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimists fears this is true."

- James Cabel

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?

That we may love you instead of laughing at you."

- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man

"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions"

- Henry N. Camp

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."

- Al Capone

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."

- Al Capone

"I don't even know what street Canada is on."

- Al Capone

"They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."

- Al Capone - protesting the IRS claiming large sums of unpaid back tax.

"Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered."

- Al Capp

"The problem with reality is the lack of background music"

- Jim CareyBR>

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

- George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

- George Carlin

"Far too many relied on the classic formula of a beginning, a muddle, and an end."

- Philip Carlin - British poet - referring to modern novels

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of 10 special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time. But he loves you."

- George Carlin, Comedian, from his HBO special "You are all diseased"

"Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist."

- Thomas Carlyle

"Thirty Millions, mostly fools."

- Thomas Carlyle - Scottish historian - when asked what the population of England was.

"No, no!" said the Queen, "Sentence first - Verdict afterwards."

- Lewis Caroll - Alice in Wonderland

"It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?"

- Elizabeth Carpenter

"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary."

- Thomas Carruthers

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."

- Johnny Carson

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."

- Johnny Carson

Answer 5

Virginity like balloon, One prick, all gone!

Man who f**t in church, sit in own pew!

Answer 6

s*x is like a tube of pringles once yu pop yu cant stop

i love that one about the chinese dude!!!!its so funny!!

Answer 7

its not really a saying but i love it so here goes

one fine day in the middle of the night

2 dead men got up 2 fight

back to back they faced eachother

drew their swords and shot eachother!

Answer 8

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."- Sir Winston Churchill

Answer 9

Man who stands on toilet high on pot

Answer 10

i dont like this

Answer 11

You messed up the chinese proverb;

"Man who goes through airport turnstile sidways is going to Bangkok."

They call it P.M.S. because "mad cow disease" was already taken

Answer 12

I always try to have an open mind but my brain always keep falling out.

All the good things in life will either kill you, make you fat, or get someone pregnant!

Answer 13

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but fists do a much better job.

The objective of war is not to die for your country, its to make the other b*****d die for his.

My favorites :)