Any one... any comments or critiques will be appreciated.?

Question

Let Me Impersonate the Dead

I feel a pain with in my chest.

Smoke these ghastly cigerettes.

Read all day and write all night

dragging, puffing, coughing off another day.

Walk the floor making insane rhymes

praying inane prayers to some Godless God

to remove this calling, let me instead

lie prone wirth empty head.

Let me impersonate the dead.

Let me lie, scourge, hate

wallow in self pity and berate,

the good, the great.

Let me consicous free and sane

with calm repose, create, compose

a poem that doesn't hold the hand of Cane;

a poem that doesn't speak his brothers name.

I feel a pain within my chest.

Is it those ghastly cigerettes?

Or is it a need to simply rest.

Lie still, untouched,

quiet for an age,

with empty heart

and empty head making effortless

impersonations of the dead?~ patsy mcAuley 2006

Answer 1

An interesting poem of the human struggle with mixed

feelings, I like it just the way it is. well done.

Answer 2

I do not usually critique on technicality... however the one thing that bugged me was the spelling of a name... If you mean the Cain in the bible then it would be "Cain" not "Cane"... that is only in the assumption that this was the Cain you intended...

Now, my thoughts on the poem itself, apart from the technical...

I thought it to be interesting and thought provoking... it made me think! But 'within' the poem, it is self-awear of its' self-pity... and though I have a tendency to right things of this caliber at times (btw, I am not the greatest speller in the world) I have seen that they do not get opened arm responses because of their "pity-me-please" feel and that is regardless of your intention...

The part that I really liked and thought was quite inventive was the title and how the title was later incorporated into the poem...

On a completely different note, as a smoker, I connect to some of the words on another level then some will... I do not know if you write the part about smoking from experience or simple dramatic effect but you have created something that will be connected to by those who do have that experience...

There is no real possibility for hope here... even some of the darkest poems, taking many of old Edgar's work, have some glimmer... it helps to balance itself... without it the writing becomes bland...

I am not saying anything here to be mean or to put you down because you have good stuff here... I feel connected because it has many of my own thoughts within... I hope to see you grow and get better with time. I am only repeating some of the things that have been told to me that have helped me grow in the past...

Blessed Be in Love and Light and the Love of Dark Poems, Siren