Any other adoptees live in a family where their parents had their own biological children also?

Question

My parents didn't think they could have children, so they adopted me. A few years later they had my brother, which is their biological child. Don't get me wrong, they have tried very hard through the years to treat us as "equal children", but it's just not the same. Maybe I look too much into them treating us differently because I'm the "outsider" and no one else is really looking for different treatment. However, it's kind of hard to miss when my brother had everything his heart desired when we were growing up and I got the minimum. I still get the minimum. When it was time for us to go off to college, my parents got me a little dinky used car that I had no say in. My brother got a brand new fully loaded 4x4 truck that he hand picked. When I asked about it, they seriously tried to act like my car cost as much as his truck. Not to mention the fact that I have had to hear it all my life from other family members. Every year at X-mas, my mother's mom would give me a book that was...

Answer 1

Yes, I was adopted into a family that already had 2 sons.  The woman who calls herself my mother had her tubes tied after her second son, then decided she wanted a daughter, so they adopted me.

There was never any doubt that I was the mistake.  My "brothers" called me Cinderella when we were kids.

I wrote a long e mail to the woman who calls herself my mother back in April.  I told her all the things I remember about my childhood, how she physically and emotionally abused me, and how I'm still carrying the scars.

I haven't heard from her since, and I'm glad.

Let me know if you'd like to talk.

Answer 2

I guess it just depends. I am adopted and I have an older sister and a younger brother. My sister is from my father first marriage and my brother is my parent's biological child. Let me give you some more info, I am 12 years younger that my sister. My mom and dad tried to have children, but could not. They adopted me, but 15 months later my brother was born. My sister move out when I was six, so it has just been my brother and I for some years. I have noticed a difference in how I was raised from my brother, but there-in is a big difference between us. I am part of the gift/honor program at school. My brother has Asperger's syndrome, which is a type autism. So I guess it just depends on the family.

Answer 3

I am the youngest in my family; both of my siblings are my parents biological children, I'm adopted.

I've never been treated any differently; in fact I've been "spoilt" as the youngest.

I feel truly sorry for you, it seems as though you weren't "good enough" once your "parents" had their own biological child.

Seemingly your "parents" should have grown up before adopting or having *any* child.

Answer 4

you are not alone. i am the adopted one, but the youngest. i was treated different, but not because of the same reasons you were. i was a total wild child, i got into trouble, stayed out late, drugs, alcohol, very outspoken, loud, well, you get the picture. my family is a group of quiet, stable, dont rock the boat people. my sister dated one guy in high school, married him, went to college, deans list, honor student, again, you get the picture.

they simply thought i was crazy. it wasnt because i was adopted, it was because i was so off the wall they didnt know what to do with me.

as for the comments made in the books, honestly, adopted families usually try so hard to make you feel like you are one of them they actually end up making a mockery of the whole thing. i dont think it is intentional, they just really want you to feel loved and accepted. but you are so right, its just wrong.

dont sweat the little stuff. they obviously love you, and i bet some of it is that you are the outsider and looking for things. i bet if you and your brother were to sit down and be honest, he would tell you they gave you more because you were adopted. he is probably harboring some hurt feelings too.

there are much bigger things in life to focus on, dont let this drive you nuts. it hurts in know, believe me i know, but in the grand scheme of your life if all you can complain about is your brother got a better car and some unthinking relatives made some poor choices of word, then you are doing pretty good. accept you are different, its ok.

i know i have a few cousins that are, well, unsavory i guess, and i always joke around saying "im related by paperwork, YOU share a gene pool with them"

in some cases being the outsider is a wonderous thing.

good luck

Answer 5

i think that is more of a sibling thing than an adopted thing.  He is younger and is babied. My brother and i are both biological and he allways got better treatment he has gotten two cars trips etc from them.  I am the older resposible  one that is supposed to stand on their on two feet.

Answer 6

There is more here than simply one child is adopted, and one child isn't...

Unfortunately, like all other "normal" families, the older child's car (in almost all cases) is never as good because at the time, the parents didn't have as much money and comparably it is really the same - just not in the eyes of the child.

Your frustrations are the same as a two-child family, and the older child complains about the "baby" of the family getting everything.

Parents love both children equally, but also show it differently in their treatment because of the gender.  For instance, a father never knows what to buy a daughter, and always buys the son what the father would want.  This gets real screwed-up unequally when one parent controls  the money.  It isn''t based on the adoption situation.

Additionally, one parent may have siblings, while the other was an only child.  In this situation, the 'only child' parent is more selfish, frugal, and not very good at socializing within the family, so it appears discriminating.

Family members can be cruel, jealous and melicious for so many reasons which have absolutely no common sense.  Many times, they honestly DON'T have any idea that their words are so damaging.   A family environment is considered safe, so anything and everything goes without thinking.

Some would think the grandmother was being truthful, unsugar-coating, and honest by stating it, "as if you were our own."   It is as interpretable by some as much as stating, "you ARE our own."  Think deeper about the statement and disregard outside thoughts on the matter.

DIscuss it with your mother's mother when you are alone or at a quiet moment.

You will gain the insight you need, and may be totally surprised at the amount of love YOU have missed seeing.

My adopted son and I are just now understanding eachother.  I love him as much as my biological daughter, but there were clues we both missed.

Answer 7

My friend was one and she didnt like her adopters because they treated her unfairly . eg: the older girl got a present at christmas, my friend didnt. They didnt give her the same amount of food either. They used to get her one £10 voucher every year and the girl would get £15 pocket money and a toy and clothes once every saturday. Also when the family had company, the girl had to stay in her room not making a word and if they heard her she wouldnt have any tea.

Luckily my friend got reunited with her mom when she was 14 and a half. I hate those people who did that, and i think there are worse cases.

Answer 8

Very similar situation...  My a-mom had a miscarriage and was told she could never have children of her own.  So I was adopted.  About seventeen months later, my a-sister was born.  They went on to have two more children, as well.

They treated me well, too.  But there is always that sense of being the outsider.

It probably didn't help that I was the oldest in the family.  I was often left in charge of the other kids.  When we were younger, my a-siblings would tell me that they wished I hadn't been adopted.  Kids can be mean, and I'm sure they would have come up with something else if not for the adoption, but it still hurt.  And it really reinforced the feeling of being an outsider.  

Don't listen to people that tell you you have to be grateful.  Nothing you've said suggests you are ungrateful.  You are expressing a real hurt in your life.  It's not about being grateful to your parents.  They were adults when they made the choice to adopt you.  You were an infant.  You didn't have a say in what happened to you.  You are simply asking for some validation of difficult feelings.  You are asking to be understood by people that were responsible for raising you.  That's not too much to ask.  Don't let negative comments here add to your issues.  Voicing these concerns and feelings takes a lot of courage.  Good for you.

Edited to add:  I remembered when I started finding books and others online a few months ago (at the beginning of my own search).  The sense of finally finding people who understood me was such a relief.  Your eagerness to connect with other adoptees who share some of your experiences makes perfect sense to me.

Answer 9

I was brought into the family as the first born. Have an a-bro who was always treated better. I got pregnant and was thrown out on my butt after a beating, he stole and wrote off their car and got a new stereo after getting out of jail. My a-dad and his wife had two bio daughters when I was in my mid teens. I feel they are treated much better but this could be due to many bad circumstances in my adolescence, a-mom passed away when I was 14.

I am now displaced as the eldest since my a-dad had a b-daughter who was placed for adoption when he was 18. Since she has been reunited with him I am now the second born... I just feel displaced no matter how I look at it.

Answer 10

No,but I forgot to respond to your response on cuddling and spooning,I am sorry for saying that maybe you don't love your wife,and thanks for responding to my child support issue.

Answer 11

I have an older brother who is their natural child.

My mother loved me dearly but my father was just a jerk to everyone.

If anything, I was the one more spoiled because I was younger and they had more money.

Answer 12

trooper J - had they not adopted her one of the next thousands of couples in line to adopt would have. Your attitude hits the nail on the head of what so many adoptees have to deal with, which is be thankful someone wanted your sorry self since your own mother didn't.

People adopt because THEY WANT a child - not because we are out there begging for a family. So why is it we are expected to be grateful for not being treated "as if" we are a family member while at the same time being told we are.

Redpeach - yes, I had an older brother that was my parents bio child. They had him and then my mom had a stillborn and couldn't have any more children - so they got me because she wanted a girl.

There were some very big differences in the way we were treated which I'm not going to divulge on a public site. But it was very clear to me who they loved unconditionally and who had to always be the perfect child to remain "as if" in their eyes. This didn't end with my childhood either - it has remained loud and clear into my adulthood.

Answer 13

My parents had two sons naturally before they adopted me.

They did treat us equally and fairly but I always wondered why I was so 'different' duh!! it's taken over 30  years for me to realize why!!  I was so lost in the 'I'm no different than a natural born child' that I used to list THEIR family medical history on the medical forms at the doctors!!

I'm sorry you went through what you did.  I know my hubby's adopted brother had the same trouble - he was always their 'adopted son' and the grandparents never even acknowledge him.  They never gave him a christmas present - the two natural kids got a present, but not him - how sad is that for a kid?

Trooper J   Why should adoptees be any more thankful for the lives they have than any other person on the planet

Geez this 'adoptees be grateful' attitude gets really old.   I can't tell you how many times I've heard it

It's true, there would have been a long line of people waiting to adopt us.  The people who were successful in acquiring the baby they wanted should be GRATEFUL - not us!!! LOL

Answer 14

It is hard not to notice the indifferences, trust me I know. The thing that keeps me from getting pissed and telling my parents how unfare it is, is venting and accepting that my life would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been adopted. When I graduated College I got a thousand dollars, the only financial help I recieved for four years. When my brother graduated the 8th grade he got abrand new jet ski worth about six thousand dollars. I just appreciate what I do have, not what I don't.

Answer 15

Yes. My parents adopted me when they already had 6 biological children of their own. All their children were blond-haired and blue-eyed. I'm the youngest and only adopted child of 7 and I'm of mixed race - literally the black sheep of the family. If any adoptive parents had reason to treat me like scum, they could have.

I can't give you any advice because I don't know you or your adoptive family. But I can only reflect on some of the others here who have posted - kNOTaLIAwyer, Rachel & foxyfaerieinstockings - (love the name, foxy) in agreeing with them that it may be a host of other factors, including birth order, that may have resulted in you being treated differently.

In my case, it was being the youngest. My parents had their other 6 kids very close together and so money was pretty tight when they were growing up. But by the time they adopted me, my next sibling up was 5 years old. I grew up being the only child they took on overseas holidays, the only child they sent to private schools and the only child they bought a car for, even before I knew how to drive. This wasn't because I was the favourite or in any way special - this was because they had more money by the time I was growing up.  My eldest sister used to regale me with stories of misery and deprivation of what it was like when she was growing up, usually starting with, "I was NEVER allowed to ________. You don't know how good YOU have it".  My brothers and sisters had good reason to think I was a spoilt brat, but thankfully they knew they were loved just as much - and they were older and too busy out there doing their own thing to mind much.

One of of my sisters finds the relationship with my parents strained sometimes - and she's not adopted. It's because she's quick-tempered and independent and speaks before she thinks. She often thought she was adopted because she clashed with my parents so much and they were so hard on her. But she's not - she's just stubborn and opinionated and so are my parents! They clash. It's not do with being adopted or not - it's to do with different personalities, different life paths and values, different ideas and energies. It's just the regular dysfunctional family stuff of completely different people trying to tolerate each other - unfortunately being in the same family doesn't guarantee you get on!

But anyway these are our stories and not yours. I'm just offering you the perspective of another adopted person, but again, our life circumstances all differ. But you'll find everyone, no matter how well they were treated, will always find something back in childhood they get angry or hurt about.

Answer 16

Yes they do. My mother has 2 sons from her first husband who died from cancer. Then 1 son with my dad. Then they got me they weren’t planning  to adopt I was placed with them as foster child when I was 3 weeks old I was only suppose to stay with them 1 weekend. I was packed and ready to go Monday morning well the lord had other plans, there was no other place for me to go so I ended up staying with them. They finale official adopted me when I was 3 years old.

I am sorry that your parents treated their biological child better then you that is certainly not right or ok. Luckily I didn’t have that issue. Then again they weren’t “forced” to adopt like some couples who have fertile issues might feel. I think I was spoiled a little more then my brother, not because I was adopted but because I was the youngest and only girl, and I was a daddy’s girl too.

Answer 17

I'm adopted because my parents thought they couldn't have kids.  However, my mom did get pregnant and I have a sister a couple of years younger.

We were always treated the same.  In fact, I used to make my sister feel bad because she WASN'T adopted.  I used to tell her I was special because I was picked and they just got stuck with her!

I've never been referred to as "our adopted daughter."  It drives me nuts when the press insists on referring to a celebrity's kids as "her adopted son" instead of as "her son."  Once you sign those papers, you are a family---drop the labels!

Answer 18

So you know you were adopted... (Legally adopted?) But your "parents" treated you well... be thankful.  think about this:  Had they not adopted you, would you be enjoying the life you are enjoying now?  Of course, they would do everything for their biological child.  Please do not get me wrong, but had they not adopted you, would you be having that car that you "had no say in?"  Now is the time for you to show to them that you are understanding about the situation that you are all in. Please do not think ill about your "parents."  At least, they gave you a car that you "had no say in," even if you are not their biological child.  Consider this:  it is not about the car or the lousy book you received.  it is about them, caring about you.  If they do not really care, they would have driven you away a long time ago.  instead of focusing on the "heartaches" they have been causing you, try to be very nice to all of them. show them how grateful you are for taking you in and loving you and treating you as a member of the family.  Show them how deeply you love them and that you are worth loving, too.  if you continue looking at the darker side of your situation, you are simply trying to create the unnecessary gap in the family.  remember that biological children came from the tummy of their mother, but an adopted child came from the hearts of both parents...