Any other adoptive moms get sad on mothers day?

Question

I have been a mom now for 6 years. Every mother's day I find that I am sad. I seem to spend the time leading up to the day thinking about the sadness that my children's birth parent's may be feeling on that day. I also know that I am not my children's first mother, never have been never will be. I fully acknowledge that I share this day with 2 of the most wonderful women who made me a mom. I know that I am "mom", and I am happy beyond words, but I really struggle with being sad for our birthmothers. I am sad that they are not part of their childs daily life. I am sad for my children that they are missing out knowing them (although we have open adoptions we do not get much feedback). Am I alone in this?

Answer 1

This is my first mothers day as an adoptive mother.  I am very excited, and the kids are all excited about the gifts they ahve made me.  My children's other mother, I do feel for her, but she also made some bad choices which is why she no longer has her child, so I am too busy repairing the harm she has done to my children to be overly concerned, but yes I do feel for her at times.

Answer 2

I'm an adoptee, so I hope you don't mind me answering, but after reading oopsydaisy's dismissive answer, I just wanted to tell you that I think it's sweet that you think of your children's first mothers, and I can totally understand why the day is bittersweet for you.  I feel that way, too, just maybe for slightly different reasons.  

I sent both my mothers love for Mother's Day, since they've both contributed to who I am and are both very, very important to me.  It sounds like you are in touch with that for yourself and your children, too, and the fact that there is a loss involved in adoption.  How wonderful that you think about your children's first mothers feelings and their importance in your lives!

I just want to finish by saying that we are all allowed to feel the way we feel.  NO one's feelings here should ever be callously dismissed, no matter what part of the triad they are, or what those feelings might be.  We all have the right to be sad, happy, conflicted, confused...whatever.  

Best wishes and Happy Mother's Day!

Answer 3

While there are not biological ties, you need to celebrate YOU. For being a loving, nuturing, MOTHER to your children.

Answer 4

No, you're not alone in that.  However, I don't feel sad on Mother's Day...  because I am a Mother and I usually enjoy that day.  I wanted to be a Mom for so long...  and now I am.  

But...  on my son's birthday, on holidays, when my son reaches certain milestones, on his natural mother's birthday...  that's when I think ALOT about her (his natural mother).  I do wish she could experience the awesomeness of her son...  and vice versa (him know her).  

Every once in a while I will hug him extra long for her.  I know it's stupid, but I do.  Somehow I think maybe by me doing that she'll get a little "tingle" of happiness or positive energy...  the happiness her son brings me all the time.

Answer 5

Why would be sad for women that cant take care of their children?

Answer 6

I fit makes you feel any better, I look at the woman who raised me as my only mother. My birth mother is not even a concideration to me.

My huband, son and I get together with the rest of the family (both sides) and celebrate together.

Answer 7

I completely understand!!  I only wish that my we had a more open adoption with my son's first mother so that we could see her, and be with her on this day.

I am also adopted, and Mother's day was always bitter sweet for me.  I knew that somewhere a women was grieving because we couldn't be together, but I still wanted to be happy for my Mom.

It's a tough time of year for all  members of the adoption triad.  

Why don't you come join us at www.adoptionthreads.com ? We are a cross-triad/adoption plane site and have lots a great members that will totally understand where you are coming from!

Happy Mother's day!

Answer 8

Oh, actually I'm tearing up even reading your question. I feel sad a lot for my daughter's first family, her mother especially. She is just such a great kid and it is so sad that they will probably never know her beyond new-infanthood. (She was born in China, so a reunion is unlikely, though things are changing so fast in China that one never knows.) I haven't found Mothers' Day to be a particular trigger, but I think about my daughter's families in China a lot.

My feelings about her first family are very complicated, though, because she was left at about 5 weeks old at a town market. And I know, intellectually, about all the pressures of rural life in China, and the "One Child Policy" and pressure from grandparents and all that. But I also know that the vast majority of girls in China are not abandoned. And my mother's heart finds it very hard to grasp, especially after multiple pregnancy losses. So I feel horribly sad for my daughter's natural mother, but it is a complicated sadness, with bits of anger and shock mixed in, because I feel so sad for my daughter for the effects the loss of her first family will have on her.

I feel a much "purer" sadness for my daughter's second family, the foster family that took care of her from the time she was about 5 weeks old until we met her at 14 months (and I'm convinced loved her from how she was when we met). And whereas her first family are sort of shadowy figures, visible only in glimpses when looking at my daughter, we actually have 2 pictures of my daughter with her second mommy. And my daughter really does miss her -- she drew a picture for her foster family just today, and cried a little also. From the way my daughter grieved and the way she grabbed onto me like a life raft when we met, I'm convinced her foster mother loved her very much. And really in many ways my daughter would probably have had an easier life if she could have been adopted and raised by her foster family in China. So I feel very sad for my daughter's foster mother and for my daughter also, that that bond was broken.

We try to honor all her mothers and families, and while Mothers' Day isn't that big a deal in our house, I do think of them, and talk with my daughter about them also.

I just recently came across the idea of "Birthmothers' Day" again. I don't think I really like the idea myself; it seems to me that they should be celebrated just as Mothers. I do like the symbolic idea of it coming first, because they came first in our children's lives. And the first link is from a support organization apparently made up of first moms for first moms, so to me their opinion holds more weight than anyone else's. Anyway, here are a couple of links about that idea.

http://www.birthmombuds.com/may08.htm

http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/birthm...

Answer 9

My husband and his sister are both adopted and their "parents" are very, very happy that they adopted them.. You are wasting your time and emotions feeling sorry for someone that gave you a precious gift.. .You should be treasuring Mother's Day and the fact that you are a mother... Even if NOT by birth!  My husband and his sister know they are adopted but, all things considered their adoptive parents are MOM/DAD!  So, maybe keep a mothers day journal to get the sad feelings out and enjoy your child or children...

good luck

Answer 10

In 1962 I had to give up my twin boys, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I think of them daily and include them when anyone asks how many children I've had.  I was fortunate enough to have another set of twins - total of six boys in all.  I'll never get over my first set of twins, nor will I ever be able to forgive my parents for manking me give them up.  In the 60's that was a horrible thing, to have a child out of wedlock.  I was taken to a home for unwed mothers and after giving birth it was never mentioned again, my mother would not allow it or hear of it.

Answer 11

For me it is mixed with so much emotions. I am happy excited because I waited and longed for a baby forever. I enjoy every minute of it. On the other hand my son's birthmother is on my mind. I never know if I should call her or not. I just can't imagine what it is like. Her first son was murder, second son taken from the state, and the third soon she put up for adoption and picked my husband and I to be his family. Just that huge loss is so big and don't know how to deal with it. It is a bittersweet day for me.

Answer 12

As a birth mother, I'd like to say thank you!  That is such a kind thing to think and say.

Answer 13

Well, our daughter is an international adoptee and Mother's Day feels like a Hallmark holiday to me anyway that we don't make a big deal of and I don't think of our daughter's first mother even being aware of the day.

I get incredibly sad on our daughter's birthday.  We have a semi-open adoption and send pictures and letters a couple times a year.  When we met with our daughter's birthmother at the time of adoption, she specifically requested video of our daughter's first birthday.  After we sent it I was sad for days thinking about what she was thinking and feeling watching it, wondering when she was watching, wanting to be able to do something to provide comfort.  So, birthdays are hard because I just know they must be so so hard for her.

Answer 14

Yeah, a little.

We have a good, close relationship with our son's mom, but it has always bothered me that my parents and inlaws refuse to acknowledge her as part of the family.

This year, we are ditching both families and celebrating with just our immediate family, which includes her.  We're thinking about including my birthfamily as well. (but that gets expensive!)

Answer 15

I am going through our first mother's day after my recent failed adoption.  Our son's birthmother changed her mind and took him back after three weeks.  I am struggling with how to deal with not being a mother and feeling very much like he is still my son.  Enjoy the bond you have and take a moment to recognize that your joy is part of the complex triad of adoption.  Happy Mother's Day!

Answer 16

I am not an adoptive parent, just an adoptee, so I cant answer from experience. I will say this though.

Why are you beating yourself up about this? Why dont you try and see the say as being a day for both mothers.

Whos to say that the birth mother is sad on that day? Do you know that for sure?

Dont continue to be like this as its not good for anyone. Its like you cant be happy your the childs mother. The child belongs to you, you are the childs mother.

Answer 17

The sadness that many adoptive mothers feel is very common -- especially on Mother's Day but also on their child's birthday, and Christmas.  I have experienced many many adoptive mothers weeping and heart broken when their child's birthmother walks out the door, or drives away following placement.  'I have no right to feel happy." is what I hear.  "How can I be happy when she is so devastated?" is also so common.  Sadness is not reserved just for birthmothers.  It is shared -- between adoptive mothers and birthmothers.  They have a unique bond, in the sadness and joy of what is their child's adoption.  Adoption has inherent sadness, grief and loss.  It is not a joyous moment when a mother is able to give over her child for the rest of their life to another mother.  But it is a joyful moment when she begins to feel comfort and peace and joy, knowing what she has provided for her child, through another mother.

Answer 18

I used to when my daughter was an infant/toddler. But now my daughter is older and not only has a relationship with her nmom but also acknowledges her on Mother's Day. Just the other day I took her card shopping so she could pick out one of those new cards where she could record  a personal voice message. Often times her nmom gets the Mother's Day school project instead of me and I'm totally fine with that. She's such a great kid and has never made me feel any less of a mother. I'm so happy that they have each other and wouldn't have it any other way.