Any suggestion/ comments about this short poem?

Question

I hate life, and I hate work, but I love you.

Without life, there would be no you.

Without work, how would I take care of you?

7/21/2008 by Maria Santiago

Answer 1

Nice words, though I'm not so sure about the structure.

I agree with neonman, I think you should experiment more with words to increase the impact.

Good luck

Answer 2

I think it's sweet!! Sounds like my husband...he hates work too!! Loves life tho!!

Answer 3

They are good.  I would just play with structure layout to help the impact of the lines.  You could also work on removing excess words such as:

I hate life,and work

...but I love you.

Without life...

you would not be

Without work...

I could not care for you

Answer 4

Ti's very sweet and not bad at all! You have display your effort well!  Neonm has given you some good advice, don't feel bad about it though everyone is trying to help you improve your talent!!  Cheers!!

Oh by the way those sites you were referring to did show up today, rather yesterday when posting poetry, Sorry didn't respond to your post , just noticed your question, on the contest thing or publish your poetry.  So yes I did see it but never did inquire so can't give any added information! Cheers !!

Answer 5

i think it is too short..

but! way to go!

it's really nice!

x))

Answer 6

I like the first one...'tis nice and concise (heehee, that rhymed.)

Here are a few grammatical suggestions for #2:

Where is my lover?

Where is my meant-to-be?

Where is the one who would love to get to know me,

and love me, for me?

Where is he?

My handsome salafi.

Hello, where are you?

I`ll be here waiting for you.

Grammatical suggestions for #3:

So many thoughts, but most of them get away.

So many rhymes, and not enough time in a day.

So much on my mind, but not enough space in my brain to store it away.

As a general comment, you might want to consider the syllable counts per line- most people talk about meters and feet (not the measurement systems, the poetry kind!) but that confuses me. So, if each line is the same amount of syllables, the poem as a whole will flow more smoothly.

^^ Good job.