Any thoughts for improvement? just wrote.?

Question

Judgmental

Ok what I say may hurt a few,

These are my thoughts, not your view,

The bible I read captures my heart,

Inspirational reading, life played apart.

Go to church learn through a vicar,

He socializes enjoys his liquor

Do not judge, and decide a wrong

Countless boast do not belong.

Educate, use morals, find heart,

Love is born, and never taught,

Ones own feelings make a wrong,

Listen to lyrics through a good song.

Do not dismiss, and no all,

God’s children take on the call,

He gives strength, elects our judge,

Lesson arrive, willpower won’t budge,

Do not listen! Be who you are,

Worlds your oyster make own law,

If decide to disrespect a friend,

The universe will show how to mend.

Ego takes hold, and decides decision,

Many thoughts within religion,

Heart takes over then you see

All religions belong to thee.

Answer 1

I think the title is good: judge-mental is an interesting pun, if you like, reflecting the somewhat presbyterian attitudes to established religion versus in-born goodness.  I suppose it highlights this line for me: `he gives strength, elects our judge.'  Byron would have loved the liquor/vicar rhyme, and the communion evocations; it reminds me of the literally two-faced vicar in C.S. Lewis's darling little book, The Pilgrim's Regress.  

If you don't mind a suggestion, in your somewhat `radical' poems which seek to exhort to reader to your visions of public or private virtue, I would be inclined to punctuate the actual moments when you address the reader much more aggressively.  For example, if I may:

Educate!  Use morals!  Find heart!

Love is born, and never taught.

One's own feelings make a wrong:

Listen to lyrics through a good song.

(The last line to this stanza is a bit obscure to me.)  I think this helps to slow down the reader when you are talking to him directly.

I also wanted to mention that I really enjoy the times you rhyme with the British terminal /r/, such as law/are, and law/scar in `Little Girl'.  This faintly-off rhyme is not at all traditional in English poetry, but gives your work a wonderfully direct and spoken feel.  

Overall, I still think I like your introspective works a bit more than the more social ones; but since the Wuthering Heights poems, I really think your poetry has gained a considerable amount of technical poise.

Answer 2

I like it as it is x

Answer 3

I would leave the title as is, for it sets the theme of the poem.  My punctuation might be a little different, but that is the way I was taught.  The wording is fine, to me.  Not being educated in the ways of writing poems, and having just began writing some of my own, I feel that as long as I get the message it is portraying, it has accomplished what you are saying.

Answer 4

At first I stop reading after the first verse, but then I started again. I stopped for a single reason; the Bible teaches humans not to "JUDGE." God does not elect Judges, Mankind does; an error in their ways. A Holy Judge would be far more likely to be error-less in the rulings they give, more merciful and compassionate, most of all, they would be blinded to all rhetoric except the truth. It is hard to say don't listen and listen, the confusion of opposition, which makes life itself difficult. If the masses are to hear, they must listen, it is to what they listen that is the difficulty of life.

In the second to last verse exists the location of your human error. No human has the RIGHT to instill laws for others, they are not willing to follow them selves. Nature and the Creator have already set laws in place, Mankind has yet to follow those. Each decision one makes determines the ease of ones journey through life. Respect, loyalty and honesty are key factors, this poem illustrates their opposite, Unwise." Ego does not make decision as posed here, selfishness does. While ego is part of the "ID" that is Mankind, it is unable to decide between one thing and another, that is for the conscious mind of humanity to make, and most make such decisions in error.

While this is a well written poem, it is flawed in its inception and conception. it wobbles back and forth between the "right" and the "wrong" of life. What lesson does such a poem teach for those years from now, when they read it. Confusion and only confusion. One must pick a single side in a lesson and prove it.