Any widow's or psychologists out there...i need help PLEASE READ?

Question

the short version,,(kind of) My live in Boyfriend and i were together for almost 9 years. i fell in love with him when i was 19 and he was 26. he had a kid and was kind of a "bad boy" who drank a lot and did drugs, ya da ya da. anyway, i didnt care i loved him so much that i always just wanted to be with him. he went to jail and when he got out og rehab, i got pregnant with my son and we moved in together. our relationship was always very rocky, we fought constantly. we both drank a lot and he constantly smoked p*t and did a lot of c*ke and spent a lot of money. i know i should have left him a lot of times but i didnt, mostly because my son was really little and i was scared to be on my own. but it wasnt like i was a lazy welfare mother, i was out working all day AND going to school at night. i wanted us to be a family more than anything, but he kept s******g up,, getting high, putting us second. i never knew if he would come home or not. many many times i sat and paced and looked out the windows all night waiting for him to come home, but he would be out partying like a single guy, not cheating, just getting drunk and high and playing with his friends, BUT I COULD NOT LEAVE HIM. ALL I WANTED WAS A NORMAL LIFE WITH HIM AND TO ADD to the problems that we had, he was SO cold to me.. no hugs, no holding hands, no kissing. the only time that he kissed me was if we has s*x and even then, it was "take your clothes off first and then we can kiss" just totally mechanical, no emotion at all..anyway, it got to the point where i was really really lonely. i mean i was no saint either., i am not trying to play victim, just want to let people understand what happened next. so i told him that i was really onely and was going to cheat if he didnt give me some attention.. he didnt. we got a little better and moved into a house that my parents let us put in their name. i wound up running into an old friend and i had an affair with him. it felt good to be wanted and cared about and i got all kinds of attention and i was loving it, but i was never going to leave my sons father. i thought about it and thought that maybe we should split, even if only temporary and see how things went. i just got to the point where i did not care anymore. Long story short, a mutal friend told him, but i dont understand why he even cared. i mean i stayed out all night, i went on vacations alone, we never talked, ddint even watch movies together, but all of a sudden, he cared. it made no sense.. everything that i ever wanted was that, but then it was here and i just didnt care that much. it was like i dont know what i wanted. i couldnt let him go, but i wanted to hurt him. i wanted him to feel like i used to. i always used to tell him that i wanted to let him know how it felt because he always said that he never would because he didnt care,, he finaly did and i loved it, i am so ashamed with how mean that i was to him. i made him lose his mind, he even called the police on me and then in front of the cop, he tried to chase me and the car ran me over. anyway, we were drinking hard liquor and arguing and he was acting wierd and then he told me brother that he tried to hang himself but the rope hurt his neck? it made no sense ata ll,, who saysthat? i thought that it was a joke,, for attention, he used to be dramatic and i used to fall for it, but this time i vowed that i would not fall for it.. he stomped into the pther room and the last thing we said to each other was "where is my change" and he said"i put it on the f*cking table."! then he went and hung himself... i am sitting here crying while i write this. i never ever ever thought that he would do that,, he walked my our son and jsut went intot he basement and strangled himself. i swear i thought he was drunk and passed out on the bed ad wanted me to follow hiom and appologize, her usual and the one time that i dont fall into that , he actually killed himself.

it has been almost a year and i think about it every single day,, why didnt i follow him? why didnt i just pause the movie and go check? why didnt i take him seriously,, he could have taken my son with him (he didnt thank god) or he could have killed me too.. i dont think that he realized how permanent what he was doing was, if he did then he would not have odne that,, not to hi s son,, he always talked about all the stuff that they would do together and now my son doesnt have a father,,i feel guilt and sadness every day and it wont go away. i know that i cant change what happened, but i keep thinking that i will wake up and it was a bad dream. but that hasnt happened either. it is going to be a year in a few weeks and i am thinking about taking my son and going to norht carolina and relocating,, i dont know if that will help, but i am thinking that my mind wlill be off of it if i am not siting here dwelling on it all day long. what do u guys think? please help....

Anyway, it got better

Answer 1

Sandra,

First off, this web site is not where you are going to find peace.

But we can offer suggestions. You must find support groups and a counselor where you live. If you don't have alot of money there are groups that don't cost. Check you local college and if they have a Psychology program. I know the campus I work at has free counseling.

You need to be strong and get help even if it's just to make sure your son is strong and cared for.

Your boyfriend had problems, as you admit, and did not get help. He went down such a dark road that he could not return. Please don't let this happen to you.

Remember your son. Your son is your life. Please start living it.

I'm sure it won't be easy but asking your question here is a start.

Baby steps to start. Before too long you will be running again.

Good luck and you will be in my prayers.  

Answer 2

Well I'm very sorry to hear all that.

But you were in a horrible situation, and a kid isn'ta reason to stay with somebody... even though many will disagree.

I understand that part where you wanted to hurt him like he hurt you, I feel that way with my boyfriend too. We also have a big age gap. And I'm in love with him. He's hurt me quite a bit, but I love him so much that I'm gonna keep trying to make it work. Which is similar to your situation then.

You have to understand that what he did wasn't your fault, he obviously had a lot of problems. Mental and emotional.

And everything happens for a reason, you didn't follow him for a reason.

Its all in gods plan, even some of the bad stuff.

What you need to do is forgive yourself hun, he was killing himself with the drugs and alcohol anyways.

Focus on being the best mother you can be to your son, he deserves that. Lighten up on the drinking (if you still are a heavy drinker) thats not good for your son.

Relocate, get a fresh start. And let yourself love again.

I don't know how evangelisitc you are, but you should try keeping god in your life.

Now I'm no preacher, and I don't go to church on sundays. But I still make time for god by praying at night and just keeping faith. You know?

Best of luck. Remember to stay positive. And make for a better tomorrow.

You can send me an email or an im annytime if you need to talk.

Answer 3

Well reading this it sounds like you two were more like roommates with benefits, you did not live like a couple.  What happened he did to himself, there must have been way more problems then he showed on the outside.  You could not fix him and in a way you dwelling on this shows that you think if you had followed him you could have fix this.  What happened, happened if not then he would have done it another time.  Best thing for you to do is take care of your son and give him a good life.  In time the pain will get less, just know you couldn't have stopped this no matter what you did.  

Answer 4

Woaahh that was long!

You have a very sad life, I really feel for you.

I think a fresh start might help, create a new life, start to move on.

Im sorry i dont really know what to say.

I hope things get better though!

x*x

Answer 5

Reading your post is almost scary... and sad.

Nothing that happened was your fault.

Your boyfriend was sick.

And as horrible as this may sound, I think he did what he did to protect you and his son. I think he did it because he loved you so much.

He can protect you better from heaven than he can making your life a living h**l.

If it wasn't him, it could have been you or your son.

I feel like you've been given a 2nd chance at life. I think everyone wants you to find happiness and love.

It's never too late to start over.

But right now you have to FIND the strength to survive this for your son because he should be more important to you than anything else in the world.

You have to forgive yourself. If you don't you can never move on.

I think this was a blessing in disguise. Again, I understand how that might sound bad, but really - think back to your life - you just wrote about it and I just read it... You weren't happy. And what kind of life could you give your son growing up in a home where he witnesses his mother being emotionally abused? Think about the circle of life and how your son would do that to another woman?

I shutter to think about it.

Embrace life! Take this new chance and run with it!

Good luck.

Appreciate the small things!

Answer 6

Running away from your problems won't help.  I wonder too how your son feels.  You don't say how old he was when this happened.

I would recommend that both you and your son go see a counselor/psychologist to discuss this and work things out.

There are also groups for widowed/divorced people to help them out.  Around here they are called Beginning Experience or BE.  You should be able to find it in your phone book.

Answer 7

You Should  Move Away . Find  a GD   DayCARE  For  Your CHILD and  Perhaps  Employment  Would Take Your Mind  OFF all The DRAMA  You  Have Been Through...HopeFULLY  YOU Will Be Fortunate  And  Find A  Great MAN  To Help  YOU  Raise  Your SON    As   A  Loving Father   Would.  GD  Luck