Any wisdom on this adoption reunion question?

Question

My daughter has never met her birth mother and she is 22. I have, as I finally found her ten years ago after a long search. We have met several times and seemed to like and respect each other. She knew my daughter did not want to meet. But she gave her phone number to her birth siblings and they have contacted her many times. This caused her a bit of discomfort for my D. She wasn't really wanting the contact. Then last year, we think she showed up at my D's college b-ball game and introduced herself to a friend of ours as my D's mother (although she denies it.) Then my D's birthday was last month, and I sent her birth mom an e-card as I have before, just to let her know I was thinking about her and that "our" daughter was doing great. A few hours later, my D. got two TM's from her birth sister and two anonynous phone calls -- all at 4AM. This upset her a bit. So when her birth mom wrote me the next day to thank me for the card, I said I knew it must be difficult that my D. cannot handle contact with her and her siblings, but that I felt we must all respect that, and that I hoped that she could help her other children respect that too. Well, she wrote back and was angry and said they never contacted her. And she said that the reason my D. did not want contact was because of ME. She asked how could I have accused her of spying during the b-ball game, etc. My reaction was at first hurt. I felt so bad that whatever I had done or said was feeling so bad to her. But then I got sort of angry, but I am not proud of this. I wrote back and suggested that we need to trust each other and that I had always admired her so much, and feel bad about what happened. I suggested that we even go to a counselor to work through this, for our daughters sake. That was three weeks ago and I have not heard back from her. I have always supported my daughter contacting her birth family, and even encouraged it. I thought it would be good for her for all of us to be together on holidays, etc. But that is not what she wanted. It scares her. Now, I am at a loss for what to think or do. Please, do not reply if you are a teenager or are going to insult me. I really need good advice. Thank you.

Answer 1

Most adoptees want to search themselves - when they are ready.

By you searching and making first contact - you've taken that which is hers - from her.

Adoptees are extremly scared of hurting their adoptive families - and usually want to test out the waters themselves.

Also - you keep writing - 'my daughter' - but you also say ' our daughter.

What are you using?? It matters. An adoptee already feels pressure - the tug-of-war between families - as they are very much part of both - whether they wish to be - or not.

By going behind your back - you've allowed for secrets - perhaps she doesn't know now who to trust.

Very messy all around.

She needs space - from all of you - to be able to make up her own mind in all of this.

I know you think that you're doing the right thing - but back up for now - and allow your daughter to take the reigns on this.

Adoptees have NO control over their adoption.

They NEED control over reunion - at least for some parts of it.

I wish you all well.

Just take things slow.

She is probably feeling very very torn.

Answer 2

You sound like a very supportive adopted Mother. You are truly a person to call Mom. I am 40 years old and have been recently contacted by my biological brothers, my birth parents are deceased. I am truly thankful that I have been contacted at this point in my life, when I am comfortable with who I am. I am interested in meeting them, however at the age of 22 I would have not been in that frame of mind. Your daughter can always contact the family in years to come if her desire is their. This birth mother seems selfish and childish. Your daughters emotional well-being is the most important and if this women doesn't make contact anymore, maybe it is for the best. Good Luck

Answer 3

I normally encourage contact between a first mother and her child, but in this case, it's not going to work.

You need to speak to your daughter about this and ask her what she wants. If she's scared, you need to know why. If you already know why and it has to do with knowing "how" to balance you *and* her other mother (if she does consider that person her other mother), then sit down and discuss it with her.

If she just doesn't desire contact because her bio mother is a stranger to her and she feels "forced" taking all this on, then that's okay. Just please speak to her about it!!

Answer 4

I agree with a lot of the answers that have been given.

I'd just like to also add that being aware your daughter doesn't want contact, you should be careful about giving out information that makes your daughter unwillingly accessible.  If your daughter's family didn't have her phone number, her college, and the fact that she's on the b-ball (basketball? baseball?) team, it would've been harder for them to force contact on her. It's her information and should be hers to give out.  

Answer 5

I was in your daughter's situation.  First I want to say that not all adoptees want a reunion.  My mother was a driving force behind my search, she thought since I was getting married and would soon start a family that I should search for medical reasons.  She also told me that she was always told that an adoptive parent has to be ready and prepared if their child searches, so I think in a way she thought I would want to search, but I did not.

I was happy with my life and my mom is my best friend.  I really did not have a desire or need to search.  My parents were great and while growing up they allowed me to be myself, find myself and own my own story and life.  I feel most adoptee's search because they are missing something or do not realize who they are.  The truth is everyone needs to find themselves within, and not look on the outside but inside.  Excuse the rant, back to topic.

The point is, I found my BirthMom, I received multiple stories, multiple point-of-views and a woman who wanted to force her life into mine and take over the roll of my mom.  I did not want that.  Eventually it came to the point where we have very little contact usually an email or a call once a year.  What my birthmom did not prepare herself for is that I had a life without her, that I have a mom, a family and friends that she is not involved in.  I know it was hard for her and she probably feels she lost me twice, but I was only hers to lose once.  I know now I should not of went into the search then and I wish my Mom understood that I did not want to search, but she did what she thought was best for me, and in the end I have been very happy and pleased with my reunion with my BirthFather.  We have a good friendship and he allows me to make the rules/boundries.  He knows I have a dad so he does not try to overstep the line.  My birthmom just could not understand.

Honestly, I would stop calling her "our daughter".  I would not like to be referred to as "our daughter" BM was not my mom, I am not her daughter, I was her infant, her child, but not her daughter.  You maybe forcing your emotions and thoughts on your daughter.  Just realize she is probably really happy with her life and does not want contact.  It sounds to me like you are not secure of her love, just realize you are her mom and she loves you, she probably does not need this other woman because you were enough.  Just back away and let it be, if or when she is ready she will make the next move.  I would recommend a mother/daughter weekend, let her know you are sorry and you will not be forcing a reunion anymore.

Answer 6

I would be rather upset if my adoptive mother went behind my back contacting my biological mother without my knowning and going against my wishes.

I think you need to back away from the biological mother and let you daughter decide what she wants. Just be happy that your daughter loves you and considers you her mom.

Answer 7

Well - at this point I sincerely suggest that you leave "well alone".   We cannot force anybody to do anything and we must allow others to make their own choices.  You have done splendidly, keeping a positive connection with her, but now you should just leave it and let it work itself out.   If this was meant to be, she will either connect with you again, or not.  Accept whichever way it is, without your pressing the point.  I feel also, that you should do everything that makes your daughter happy.  Talk to her and ask what her feelings are, and abide by them.  It is her life and her choice and whatever way she wants to go, should be the way you should go.

Peace and love  

Answer 8

With all due respect, I think you need to butt out of their reunion even if they're not talking. You are getting in the way. If she doesn't want contact with her, you shouldn't be contacting her. I'll tell you that after I found my natural mother, my amother sent her a card and I WAS PISSED. With you rippling the waters and dictating your daughters feelings to her natural mother you are becoming a barrier of your own that you dont have a right to be. If she doesn't want contact, then you shouldn't be going between them, you are not a mediary and this is not about your feelings. With you going in between, it could very well keep them further apart. This is something your'e going to have to let your 22 y/o daughter work out when SHE is ready to.

She is an adult, and she can make contact when she is ready.  

Answer 9

I am an adoptee, so naturally that is my point of view.

What stands out to me about your entire explanation is how much of everything you control.  You contacted the bmom, you met with her, you send her cards, you know about the 4 am phone calls and mentioned them to bmom, you want everyone to get together for the holidays, you want everyone to go to a counselor, etc.  Maybe, you should allow the other people involved to control themselves and their own reactions.  Could it be that bmom's comment about you being the reason your daughter doesn't want contact mean something such as:  maybe your daughter does not want contact with her bmom if her amom is orchestrating and controlling all of it?  Would you be willing to let them have their own relationship on their own terms?  

Many adoptees feel the tug-of-war between the b and a parents.  And we feel it because we are the ones being pulled in both directions...in a situation NOT of our making.  We feel guilty about contact or lack of contact, or enjoying one holiday with the other parents....it is as if we just can't win or make a decision that works for everyone.  Although adoption is usually done in the interests of the child, the child (grown or otherwise) has absolutely no say in any of it.  For me, that is a very difficult pill to swallow.

  

I always wanted and knew that someday I would find my bparents.  And I was in my 40's when I finally did.  I wanted to find them, it just took me that long to think it was really necessary and that I was ready.  Your D may be legally an adult at 22, but she still has a lot of growing up and maturing to do.  

In my own mind, I am the point of intersection for my two families...but that does not mean that the two families have to overlap.  I found my bparents about two years ago, and I still have not told anyone in my adoptive family.  And I have no intentions of ever sharing this news with them.  Maybe I am being selfish.  But it is my adoption and it should be all about me...not what other people think it should be or want for me.  It is mine, and I decide.

I would encourage you to step back...two or three big steps backward...and allow the other participants to have a say.  And then respect their decisions--whatever they may be.  

Answer 10

Dear Peony,

I think adoptees or first mothers can offer you better advice than i can.

I just wanted to say,-----

That as much as you love and want to protect your daughter's wishes, it sounds like it might be time for D to talk directly with her other mother and tell her how she feels.  Being the middle man is tough place to be in and no good will come of it.  Best wishes:)

Answer 11

You should let the birth mother go. All she did was carry your daughter for 9 months and then gave her up. You were the one that was her mother for 22 years. You changed her diapers, feed her every night, helped with homework, went through the teenage years. Where was her birth mother through all this? She is like a stranger to your daughter. This is why your daughter doesn't want contact with her. You need to give up this fantasy that everything will be great on holidays. Somethings just don't always turn out how you would like them too. Don't stir the pot any more by sending cards or pictures or emails or TM or any other contact.  

Answer 12

As an adopted person, I think it's great that you want to see this reunion come to fruition.  However, your daughter is an adult, and needs to do this in her own time.  If you choose to continue a relationship with her first mom because it's a relationship that the two of you want, that is fine.  However, any relationship between your daughter and her first mother will have to come when your daughter is ready.  Your relationship with her first mother needs to be YOUR relationship, not based on your daughter.  If she were still a child, I would suggest differently.  However, she's a grown woman who needs to be afforded the freedom that adults have in handling their own relationships.

I reunited at 37, and have enjoyed a very good 7 year relationship with my first family.  But, everyone handles these issues in his or her own way.  Your heart is in the right place, but your daughter needs to work this out for herself.

Answer 13

I have a grown son who was adopted from infancy (and I have two grown kids I had myself - for what that's worth, if anything).  My son knew he was adopted from the time he was little, but he knew little else beyond that.  (Just recently, I started an adoption blog, and I have a whole, big, thing on there about why I don't think open adoption is good for the child.)

Right after my son turned 21 he got mail with a return address that was only initials.  He was in his apartment, and the mail came to my house.  I was on the phone with him and told him about the mail.  He said to open it.  It was from an agency that wanted to put him in touch with the birth mother.  He said, "I'm not interested in meeting her."  I said, "Maybe you could just call this woman (a social worker) and tell her to let her (the birth mother) know you're ok.  She deserves that much."  That was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

At 21,  my son was not mature enough to handle the can of worms that would be let out once he met the woman and her family and extended family and whoever else.  At first, he felt like a "king" because he was getting all kinds of attention, and they were having get -togethers so relatives could meet him.  Then he started to notice that nobody was telling him the same story about his beginnings.  The birth mother showed disappointment that he couldn't speak her language.  He said she was "funny looking and odd".  Then she was disappointed that he didn't act like the long-lost son, and she was expecting more from him than he could give someone who saw her as a stranger.

The can of worms kept on coming for a few years (questionable half siblings, questions about who the biological father was, and on and on and on).    Little by little he stopped communicating with each of the people he had struck up a friendship with, with the mother being the first to go.  He remained in touch with a couple of the siblings or half siblings (nobody really knows) for a while before stopping contact with them too.

I had always been open to the possibility that my son may want to search when he grew up.  I didn't encourage it, but I was ready to support it because I'm not adopted, and he is.  It was his "story" - not mine.  The day I asked him to "at least let her know you're ok" I didn't think the social worker would gradually draw him into to meeting someone he claimed he didn't want to meet.  (I'd think he was lying to me about that, but he wasn't even interested in getting the information from the letter.  He implied it was junk mail.)

It's not for me to give you advice because every person and every adoption is different, but based on what you said, I think I'd let the whole thing go; and let my daughter decide if/when she wants to contact these people.

If you're at all interested, the blog I mentioned is http://adoptionlwarren.blogspot.com/.  It's new, but I'm hoping to address some of the nitty-gritty issues of adoption, from an adoptive mother's viewpoint.

Answer 14

as a 21 year old adoptee who now lives with my birth family, I can say that,were I in your daughters shoes, all the pressure to bring both families together can be very stressful.  Before I was born, my adoptive mother and my biological mother were very close.  I moved cross country to be with my birth family when I needed a change of scenery.  My adoptive mother wants us all to come together as one big family, but even now when my birth mother has been in my life for over 2 years, I am still not comfortable with that.

It is a very complex mix of emotions when you first get in contact with your birth family.  And 4 in the morning on your birthday probably isn't the best time to be bombarded with those feelings. The best route for YOU to take at this point is to avoid contacting your daughters birth family out of respect for her.  I am sure she sees that your intentions were for the best, but your concern shouldn't be for anyone but your daughter at this point.  If she doesn't want her family to contact her, she should write them a letter asking them to respect her wishes.  If they don't, change your numbers.

Also, if you would like to talk about this further, or if you would like to put your daughter in contact, sometimes it is nice to have someone who was also adopted to talk to, please feel free to email me.  You can find my email on my profile.  

Best of luck with your situation.  And don't beat yourself up over it, you were trying to do what was best for your daughter.  As my mother says, we kids don't come with user manuals.  

Answer 15

Your daughter doesn't want a reunion at this time. Everyone needs to respect this. She knows how to contact her birthmom, and she will when she feels the time is right.

Sure it's hard on the birthmom, but it's your daughters feelings that everyone should take into consideration. Her bmom made the hard decision to give her up and should be prepared for rejection. Anyone who goes into reunion and doesn't prepare themselves for the good and bad are very foolish.

Take yourself out of the middle, this is between your daughter and her bmom.

Although I have  a relationship with my birth daughter, I have only met her mom once. It is not necessasary for you to maintain a relationship with her bmom.