Anybody got any good jokes?

Question

i need a good joke right now to cheer me up so please tell me all you know. best joke gets 10 pts!

Answer 1

i have a few try these if they can do the trick~~!!!!!

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

joke2~~~!!!!The perfect woman~~~!!!!!!!!

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

joke 3

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

joke4

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

joke5

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Answer 2

sha, sha, sha

i probably shouldnt say this

but at times i get so scared

wen i think about the previous

songs that u have shared

they were sucky, ur not lucky

its not possible 4 me 2 care

and now im sitting here in pain

but nothings ever gunna change until u hear

ill be real..

THE 7 THINGS I HATE ABOUT U

UR HAIR

UR EYES

UR HOLE DEVISE, WEN I LOOK AT U I BEGIN 2 CRY

UR FAT AND GROSS, AND U PICK UR TOES, BUT THAT JUST WEN DA MOLD GROWS!

UR SONGS, THERE BAD, WHEN U SING THEM MILEY JUST NO IT HURTS.

I WANNA BE IN A PEACEFUL WORLD!

and the 7th thing, i hate the most that you do..

u smell like day old poo...



its awkward and silent

as i wait 4 u 2 sing

i really dont wanna hear u no

or my ear drums will start 2 ring

when u shut up, i wont cut up

ur voice box so remember

lets be clear

oh im not comin bak

ur takin 7 steps here



THE 7 THINGS I HATE ABOUT U

UR HAIR

UR EYES

UR HOLE DEVISE, WEN I LOOK AT U I BEGIN 2 CRY

UR FAT AND GROSS, AND U PICK UR TOES, BUT THAT JUST WEN DA MOLD GROWS!

UR SONGS, THERE BAD, WHEN U SING THEM MILEY JUST NO IT HURTS.

I WANNA BE IN A PEACEFUL WORLD!

and the 7th thing, i hate the most that you do..

u smell like day old poo...



and compared to all the great things

that would take too long to write

i probably should mention

the seven that I like



THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT U

UR DAD

HES GREAT

DOESNT MATTER THE WEIGHT

I GEUSS ITS JUST FATE

U MAKE ME LAUGH, CUZ UR SO WIERD, BUT I THINK THATS SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME CRY!

UR HAND IN NICKS WEN UR INTERWINED, EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE

CUZ NICK SUX I LIKE PETE WENTZ

AND THE 7TH THING I LIKE THE MOST THAT U DO

I LOVE MY DOG AND HE SMELLS LIKE POO TOO!

Answer 3

k so 3 guys r in a car and r lost, 1 guy opened his window and stuck out his arm and said were in Florida the others said how do u no he said a potato fell on my hand.another 1 opened his window and stuck out his arm and said we r in California the others said how do u no he said an orange fell on my arm.the third 1 opened his window and stuck out his and said we r in Detroit the rest said how do u no he said some1 stole my watch.  

Answer 4

One day a 50 year old man walked to the doctors to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave him a jar and told him to fill it up by tomarrow.

The next day the man walked in a the jar was empty. The doctor asked why isnt the jar filled. The man says " well first i tried with my left hand but nothing worked then i tried with my right hand then nothing worked. so i got my wife to try. she tried both hands and even her mouth. but it still didnt work. so i asked my mom to give it a try she tryed with both hands, mouth and even her feet.

The doctor sais " YOUR MOM TRIED IT!!!!"

The man said " yeah and we still couldnt get the jar open"