Anybody here adopted?

Question

I'm thinking about adopting kids.

Any words of wisdom?

Can you tell me what was good about being adopted and/or what you wished your parents would've done differently?

Answer 1

I am not adopted, but I just want to wish you the best of luck in your adoption journey!  (I am an AP)

Answer 2

I wouldn't have believed it either, but this question could be seen as a way to get things going.

I lurk (I think that means reading without posting much).  I have an adopted grandchild and I am so grateful that she is in our family.

We are blessed by adoption and the relationship with our grandchild's other family too.  

And by all means, never hide from a child that they are adopted.

Answer 3

The only thing I wish my a' parents had done differently is talk to me about being adopted even when I didn't bring up the subject.  Sometimes I felt too ashamed to talk about it, or felt that doing so would be disloyal to them.

Answer 4

As an adoptee, and an adoptive parent, my best advice is

"Keep your adoption as open as possible"

The best thing for the child is to have regular visits with her first family.  Kids raised this way are better adjusted, and overall happier than we were, raised in closed adoptions.

Of course , if your child is seeing her other mom several times each year, the whole "you're adopted" thing has to be out in the open too.

When you choose an agency, pick one that will allow you to talk with birthparents who have already relinquished, as well as to other adoptive parents.  Ask how they were treated by the agency.  Have a friend pretend to be a pregnant mom, and call the agency to find out how they treat inquiries about their services  from pregnant women.

When you are finally matched with a mom, and you have your child, ask her to request several copies of the child's birth certificate BEFORE you finalize the adoption.  Keep them in a safe place.

Above all, don't ever lie to your child about her family or her adoption.

Answer 5

I was the mother of one daughter she is 32 now and when she was small I adopted 2 sisters 4 & 6 now they are 21 and 23 and they are all the joy of my life, they act as if I had them and I was there with them thru sickness sadness and all and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I kept foster children for a long time and I kept one little boy for 2 years he was georgious and people ask me how I give them up well just like I tell them If I can show that child love and affection that he probably didn't get at home and take him places he has never been then I am willing to hurt in order to help them.  Some go back to their mom and dads and some are adopted out but there are so many children in the world that needs a good home and i'ts so hard to adopt now what the welfare system put us thru now it's almost impossible to be a foster parent I have worked all my life I am 61 now and I have a 10 yr old grandaughter and 2yr old and 7 month old granson's and they are my life I keep them a lot altho it gets hard as I am getting up in years but I have the baby now and keep him most of the time he stays up with me and my hubby until we go to bed .  But think about adoption i'ts a wonderful thing to do.I'm sure you would not be dissapointed once you have done it.  My sister in law can't have children and she has adopted 5 children in all 3 are biracial but we don't look at it like that thay are the same as our children and there is noooooooo difference made in them whatsoever.  So good luck and hope you go thru with it........God Bless

Answer 6

I'm an adoptee.

I had a good life - but I always felt something missing.

I love my adoptive family very much but I wish they had handled things a little differently.

They didn't let me know about my first family - no matter how many times I asked - eventually my a-mum said it hurt her too much to talk about it. Problem is - I was a child - I hurt not knowing - she made it about her. Please do not do the same.

If you have a problem with this - you need to work on you - as it's about you. Don't make the child suffer.

Be open. Be honest. Don't keep secrets. Allow the adoptee to know - in person - if possible - their first mother and family - as it's better for an adoptee's sense of self worth and self image.

Don't ask or ever expect your adoptee to be grateful for their existence. The adoptee doesn't ask to be taken from their family of birth - and then placed with a family of strangers.

The adoptee has no say in what adults do with their life.

Allow the adoptee to be sad for what has past - don't tell them how they should feel - instead allow them to feel whatever they want to feel - and let them change their minds over their own feelings if they so wish. (different ages - mean different thoughts and feelings - throughout life)

If they don't appear sad - fine - but just don't negate what the adoptee has gone through - just because you may not understand it.

Show empathy.

Show love.

Tell them often that you're not going away. (adoptees can sometimes have a strong sense of abandonment - and being left for long periods of time can trigger emotions if they are effected.)

Love them for who they are - not who you want them to be. They are not from the same gene pool - therefore may have different likes and dislikes and talents than yourself. Allow for that - and encourage what they lean towards.

Acknowledge their past - it's part of them - adoptees can love more than one family - don't make the adoptee choose one side or the other.

Often an adoptee will tell you what you want to hear. They want to be accepted. They may not tell you all that they feel - in case they are rejected.

Please make sure the adoption is ethical - that no mother was coerced from parenting - and that everything is done correctly.

If possible - please do look at foster care for adoption. Many of the children have already had parental rights relinquished - and there are so many looking for loving homes. These are the kids that really need adoption.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

i am adopted.  some people say im pretending but im not I am really adoped

Answer 8

I'm going to sit back and watch the can of worms that has just been opened.

For the record, since your question either suggests that you're new in this area (welcome), or stirring the pot (hopefully not) . . . I am an adult adoptee, happy with it, satisfied with my life, not bitter nor angry at the situation of my adoption, nor at my adoptive parents.  In addition, I have an adopted daughter who is doing well and we are happy to have her in our life.

Adoption is not all a bed of roses, but to me it is worth a thorn or two . . . you will hear a lot of other stories about how bad it can be asking here on Y!A though.

ETA:  If you go back a few days, you will see how many questions are asked just to get a heated debate going.  Really, adoption is great!  When more people answer, you will see how this will sort out.  My advice:  If you want to adopt, go for it.

Gershom . . . love your sense of humor!  And you even changed your avatar!  ;~)

Answer 9

I was adopted, but only by my father. The one thing I wished my parents would have done differently was tell me. It was always a secret and finding out from others was hurtful.

The good part about being adopted was it opened my eyes to adoption myself! My husband and I have adopted two children now and they have been a blessing in our lives.

In an effort to change a pattern from the past, I talk to my children about their adoptions even though they are still very young. My hope is that it will become a part of our casual conversation so that when they have questions, they wont be afraid to ask.

Answer 10

Okay, I am an adult adoptee, I have always known that I was adopted.  I will tell you that it has had its ups and downs.  I don't know If I can blame all of my emotional issues on adoption (even though it would be easier), but they are still there.

I have had a wonderful a-family (I wouldn't trade for anything) and I now have a fabulous relationship with my b-mom!

My advice is to go for it, because whether we like it or not, there are a lot of children that have been relinquished, and need a good, loving family to take them in (but only if you are emotionally and mentaly prepared to deal with possible emotional issues with your child).

I wish you the best of luck, and just in case no one else says it..... Thankyou for having a big enough heart to share!

Answer 11

I was adopted....I am 22 now, married and have a baby on the way and I am finishing college. I am SO GRATEFUL to have been adopted. I would not be where I am now if it werent for the decision that my birth mother made 22 years ago...best thing that she could have done for me!

Answer 12

Um if you had of read oh I don't know probably just ONE previous question you would have got your answer

Its a section about Adoption odds are someone is going to be adopted dont you think ?

Answer 13

After thirteen years of trying to have a baby without success I finally adopted a newborn little boy. Within three months I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and six months after she was born I was pregnant again with another daughter!  The problem was that my son was hyperactive, didnt sleep and had learning difficulties and people differentiated between him and my "real" children. He became very resentful of his sisters who were quite bright and did well at school and felt different. I must add that it took me a few weeks after having him to bond with him and fall head over heels in love with him and when the girls were born I felt exactly the same.  He was not an easy child to bring up and I think if I had kept his adoption a secret it would have made life a lot easier for him and everyone else.  I know that not many people will agree with me but it is my biggest regret.

Answer 14

I was adopted and had a pretty decent life. You must remember that no parents are perfect and you will make mistakes. But it's ok all parents do. You have to be open and honest with your kids about being adopted. It's much easier on a child (at least it was for me) to be told at a young age in a manor they can understand that they are adopted. As they get older you can go into more detail. Make them aware of how much you love them and raise them as your own. It's all any parent can do. Every child is different on how they react to things. Just be honest and loving and things will work out.  All family's have problem spots to work through (bio and adopted) Just love them and raise them as your own because they are yours. Good luck

Answer 15

I am both adopted and the mother of 2 adopted children. Words of wisdom that I have for us is this- tell your children that they were adopted as early as possible, even before they may know the complete meaning of the word.  I was told early and I told my kids early as well, however I have heard from other adoptees that they were not told until later, which made them think that it was something to hide- it is not- IT IS BEAUTIFUL-  you may get some negative responses to adoption here, however don't let tat discourage you- Maybe you can get some help from them in seeing how to do things differently- but overall adoption is very positive- just love them, and nurture them- just exactly what any child needs, no matter if biologically yours or adopted.

Answer 16

Another happy adoptee, thrilled to be a part of her family and  in reunion with her bmom. In fact, my bmom is now part of our family, which makes it all even better.

Honesty was the word around our house. Mom and dad were always willing to talk about my adoption, never minded questions, but never once made me question if they considered me anything less than 100% a family member. I would not have wanted to be raised by anyone else - including my bfamily - and my bmom agrees with me.

You should know that not every adoptee feels the same, and there is no way to know if your child will feel a loss in adoption, so be prepared to roll with whatever the situation might bring. And again - be honest and open.