Anybody know some good jokes or riddles?

Question

please no bad words or jokes that make fun of celeberties. and if you do i won't choose you for 10 pts.

Answer 1

A  redhead went to the doctors and told him that every time i touch myself it hurts. Imposable the doctor says show me. So she touches her knee and screams in pain, she then touches her nose and screams in pain. your not really a redhead are your the doctor says. No she replies  i was once a blonde. i fiqured the doctor says your finger is broken

Answer 2

A frog went to McDonald.

What did he order?

French flies and Croaka Cola.

HEH Get it?

Answer 3

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope. The vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."



"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"



With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history").

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan."

********************

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife's birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shot back into the house.

Not wanting their cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."



A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

***********************

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

**********************

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

What on earth am I doing, he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!

Last week my wife ran off with a cop, the man said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

Have a nice night, said the officer

*********************

I think these met your requirments, I hope you liked them. Peace

Answer 4

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken "who is your favorite music composer?" The second chicken responds "bach, bach, bach!"

lol its lame i know =D

Answer 5

Roger marries at age 85

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their

wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is

concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they

spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and

the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens

and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares

to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her

bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the

newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and

leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger

Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,

ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to

leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at

your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys

less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly

a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean

I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old,

Alzheimer's has its advantages.  

Answer 6

uh huh... ok... got it!

There was a man and a woman and they were in love and they made ppl laugh tada!

Answer 7

My 7 years old daughter got her first report card. She was very upset

because she got an "F" on s*x.

Answer 8

Bunch on here - http://www.fl5708.blogspot.com/