Anyone's AParents Been Upset When you Found BParents?

Question

I want to know how many adoptive parents are upset or give their adoptee a hard time when they search for or find their birthparents

I found my mother last week and my adoptive mother was doing a happy dance around the room with me, she is over the moon. This flies in the face of everyone who said I was searching or felt negatively about adoption because of a 'bad experience' - nothing could be further from the truth, we are all so happy now.

Why are some AParents so insecure? My Adoptive mother is so befuddled by this, as am I

Answer 1

Heather, congratulations! I hope your reunion is wonderful.

I just had this conversation with a friend today. I was telling her that I have come a long way in this area since adopting my son. If/when he decides to search for his first parents, I will help him and be supportive of him. I won't say I won't feel a little jealousy because I am human. But to not be happy for him or assist him is just wrong. It is because of his first parents that I ever became a mother in the first place and my son has two families: mine and his first family. He has a right to know his heritage and anything else they want to share with him. Acting upset or hurt that he would make that decision is just wrong and I will never do it.

Answer 2

Heather - it is great that you can celebrate the find together.  You've been getting lots of cyberhugs from your friends but nothing beats having your family in active support.

My amom died over 30 years ago, my adad died last year.  They never even admitted that I was adopted.  My stepmom, who I love dearly, is quite upset whenever I bring up the search subject.  I don't understand.  She's been there for me though all my adult issues (divorce, kids, second marriage) but I don't understand why searching/discussing my first parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings is a problem.  Her daughter (my stepsis) is fascinated by the whole search process.

Answer 3

I'm happy for you and all your moms too.

I don't know why AP's are so threatened by natural parents. I wish I could erase that for all searching adoptees.

Congratulations.

Answer 4

You do have an amazing Mum Heather thats for sure..Not sure of how old your Mum is ? but mine was 70 and she was very teary about me searching and that "I might not like what I find" and that she just didn't want me to be hurt.

I'm sorta glad she has passed because she A) now has no knowledge of just HOW upset I am and B) how Freaking pissed off at her that i am that she kept the fact that I had a older sibling from me !

Most A parents are upset about their child searching for their Natural Mother..I think its only natural to be honest, because they are scared !

OMG A THUMBS DOWN WTF FOR

Answer 5

well i'm with my biological mother but my biological dad left when she told him she was pregnant with me, i've looked and googled hiis name but there's not that much i can do to find him now, im 14 and have gone all my life with just my mum and i know she will be hurt if/when i find my dad if she sees him again and that if i spend more time with him. but she would still be happy for me to have finally found him though if i did.

Answer 6

I am so happy for you!!!

Your Amom is a perfect example of what being a good parent is all about. She loves and supports you and is secure in herself. When you REALLY love someone, you want what is best for THEM.

I know of some Aparents that got really bent out of shape when their adult child starting searching and long story short..... they drove away the child they raised with jealousy and ultimatums.

Answer 7

my aparents were fully supportive.  they actually paid for my search after 8 years of trying to do it myself!

Answer 8

My a'mom was a little upset at first because, as a BSE child, society expects me to declare undying loyalty to one or the other set of parents.  As soon as she understood I was not looking to "replace" her, she was cool.

Answer 9

Mine were just as yours heather. I think it was because they never held anything back from me and always made sure I knew about my adoption. They expected that it would happen some day, and when it did, they were really supportive.

We are now all planning a meal together, so we can all get to know each other better too. Its nice when things work out. I dont see why adoptive parents would need to be insecure. If they have been open and honest with the adoptee, then whats the problem? I am sure that they expected the adoptees to want to know where they came from.

Rebecca

Answer 10

when i told my adoptive mother at the age of 20 i found my birth mothers sister..she went thru the roof and told me i was not allowed to tell my brother..he was 18..she is like that..last year at his wedding she was there..i hadnt seen her in nine years i had to introduce myself..she had no idea who i was..that to me is sad..so i rubbed the salt in i will admit..i had just found my birth sister..and i wanted her to know..and that i found my birth mothers grave...so then she started spewing things she knew...she knew i wanted to know why  hide it..for 36 years..she is evil..my brother called me last week..she still feels the need to tell people that she didnt give birth to him that he is adopted..why after all this why? i think that is my problem with her..she never accepted us...so how then could i accept her?

Answer 11

Congrats!!!  Just wanted you to know how happy i am for you:)

Answer 12

When I found my birth father, my "real parents" were a litle hesitant because they didn't want me to get hurt by this new stranger I was trying to get to know. They always want the best for you and it is a little hard knowing you are trying to find the people that brought you into this world, especially when they raised you.

Answer 13

I'm so glad you have an amazing Mum!

My parents just never asked about my reunion.  When I tried to tell them about my history, family, etc, they barely looked at me, and never asked anything more than what they were told by me.

To this day, 20 something years later they refer to my nmother as "your birthmother" instead of her name, which I think is beyond rude.

I don't think they expected her to reappear EVER.  Unlike my nmother, THEY were the ones promised confidentiality.

Answer 14

It's normal...a human been is full of insecurities...The parents that adopted you do not mean harm or neither they love you less...it is just a fear of loosing your affection or love...I had a friend in your same situation and her parents asked me: "Why does she needs to know? is she no happy with us?...sounds silly but not everyone is as confident as your adopted parents...you are lucky! Congrats in having 2 wonderful set of parents...it's a blessing!

Answer 15

my biological sister found me, plus we had a mutual friend and didn't know it.  i told my sister who told my mother who told me i had to choose,  her or them,

since i always felt like an outsider and the fact i was closer to my biological sister anyway,  i chose her.  

my adopted parents tried to mold me into them instead of me being who i am

Answer 16

Firstly, Heather, I am just so thrilled for you!!  I'm thrilled about you locating your first mother and thrilled that you can celebrate this with your adoptive mother.

In the town where I live, there is a chapter of an organization called PACER.  It's a reunion support group that anyone - adoptee, first relative, adoptive relative - can join.  A number of the members are AP's who have celebrated just as you amom has.  They enjoy very close relationships with their adopted sons and daughters, free from the unwarranted jealousy that only taints relationships of any kind.  

Jealousy does mar relationships, and sometimes it ruins them.  If my husband, for example, was a very jealous man, I doubt we would have the close relationship we have.  A good friend of mine located her first family.  Her amom reacted by locking herself in her bedroom for 3 days, hysterical, refusing to come out.  This behaviour did little for their relationship, as you could imagine.  Of course, because my friend's amom was emotionally falling apart, my friend was the one who had to do the emotional work of keeping their relationship going.  It was really ridiculous and a waste of time and energy to have to go through this.  

People don't condone the concept of jealousy in other relationships. If someone is feeling overcome with jealousy in a relationship, people normally counsel that friend to deal with those emotions.  There is absolutely no reason that it not be the same when the relationship happens to be that of an AP with his/her adopted son or daughter.  

I find it terribly sad, too, when an AP is so insecure like this.  Yes, humans by nature have insecurity.  But, nowhere in healthy relationships are people encouraged to maintain feelings of insecurity.

Again, I am so very happy for you and your ENTIRE family!  This is so great.  :-)

Answer 17

I'm so happy for you Heather!! Like your Mum, my a-parents were very supportive in me reuniting with my bio-family. I think my parents and your Mum, know what it means to have unconditional love for their family.