Anyone else not getting help in pregnancy from spouse?

Question

I'm almost 7 months pregnant with myfirst and am basically getting no help from my fiance with anything. We have been together for 5 years and have been living together for about a year. We are helping my parents to do some minor painting on their apartment house and today he left me there with this huge ladder and expected me to carry it inside by myself with nobody else there to help. When I get groceries and there are a lot of bags, I call him from my cell when I am almost home and ask for him to come out and help-he either won't answer the phone (I know it's on purpose) or throw a fit and say something like, "I'm getting ready to take a shower-can't you just get it?" It really ticks me off! I have to do everything around the house and get no help from him with anything! I don't expect him to wait on my hand and foot, but I feel embarassed when I see my pregnant friends and their boyfriends/husbands all fawning over them and there's my guy, being a d*ck to me. He goes out and spends money on himself and dirties up the house and then expects me to be right behind him with a mop and bucket. He never says anything like, "Oh, you shouldn't be lifting that! I'll get it" like any normal human being would. I feel like he thinks I'm just pretending-like because I don't look huge, I should feel wonderful and be able to everything like I did before I was pregnant. He never takes the dog out (I like the dog to go out 5 or 6 times a day)-I'll ask him to put him out while I'm gone if I'm leaving somewhere and when I get back, my dog is in his pen inside-he just shuts him in there when I leave and won't even let him be around the house! It makes me so mad! I still have morning sickness and faint often--he doesn't seem concerned or anything. He tries to tell me it's all in my head-and then he got drunk and was hung over and said "Oh, I'm sick, so I didn't take Andy (my dog) out"--I was gone for like 8 or 9 hours. How can I make this jerk start helping me out?! I can't do everything by myself! If this is how it is now, I can't even imagine how much I'll be expected to do once the baby is born. He is driving me crazy! Sorry this is so long..lol

Answer 1

wait now I know why we both still smoke lol

Answer 2

wow girl, trust me its gonna be even harder after the baby is born, cause thats even more work than anything else.

good luck doing it all on your own

Answer 3

ya im 7 1/2 months pregnant and at first he tried to be an *** about EVERYTHING. so i went on for a few days doing things my way, throwing out c**p that gets left on the table, you know that 12$ in canadian tire money? lol well after a few days of pizza pops for lunch and going to work with a dead cell phone he was all whats going on darling? and i said in no uncertain terms all those iron clad boundaries i set up early in the relationship about respect and love are still in effect and if i had to take any more c**p my mom was coming to stay with us :) and if that wont work for you then go somewhere. make the lazy lump miss you, and hint that you really needed the break from not being apreciated and the hotel staff or whoever helps with everything and you arent planning to come back soon. lol its best not to sugar coat anything cause all the man will understand it the sugar :)

Answer 4

When he had that hang over i'd have made such noise. Started vaccuming the room he's in, bump his head "accidentally" omg what a freakn baby to act the victim when he's hung over - and you are pregnant.

Did you tell him quite often being pregnant feels like being hung over 24/7?

What was the relationship like before you fell pregnant? Did you do everything yourself or did he just all of a sudden start doing this...

There might be a reason he's doing things like this. Is he scared??

The only thing I can think of is talking to him, but if you have tried that then i have no idea.

Maybe just stop doing everything you do, let the house go downhill and see if he then realises how much you do.

Good luck with the pregnancy.  

Answer 5

Wow.. that sounds awfull.

I know there is always 2 sides to each story but you really shouldn't put up with that sort of neglect = (

Have you had a 'non fighting' discussion about it? I mean when both of you are rational (as a 7 month pregnant woman can be..) and not actively annoyed or fighting?Maybe write it all down in a letter so you don't get into a fight discussing it?  I think the best thing is to just out with it discuss this with him and ask him if he wants to be a part of his childs life?

Because to be honest I don't think it would be healthy for the kid to grow up with that sort of role model as a daddy.. and if you're doing it on your own now, why look after 2 babies instead of just 1?

Answer 6

Your lucky you found out how he is before you got married. If you are doing everything by yourself anyway why do you need him?

You don't! Maybe you should bring that up to him if he thinks you are really going to leave him maybe he will act right if he doesn't i would suggest you just tell him to get out. Taking care of one baby (the one you are about to have) will be hard enough. You don't need two to take care of do you? cause that's what's going on it sounds like.  

Answer 7

Do what I did.....STOP DOING EVERYTHING! I would just let the dishes mold and crust in the sink, let the trash overflow, leave the livingroom a mess and then I would tell him this "If you don't have to do, then neither do I" Plain and simple, if he's being an a**, then you be an a** to.....it's only fair.

Answer 8

i stopped doin some stuff that he can do i couldn't stop everything but like carrying groceries i would just get the light stuff an tell him i wasn't putting my pregnancy and baby in jeopardy because he was a lazy dad. it pist him off so much after a while that he started helping me out!

Answer 9

IM ALSO ALMOST 7 MONTHS IM 26 TO 28 WKS NOT SURE YET BUT MY HUSBAND DOES HELP CARRY THINGS N DO THINGS LIKE THAT BUT HE DOESNT HELP ME IN SOME WAYS I KNOW HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE SO I MIGHT JUST LEAVE HIM IM TIRED OF THIS AND I ALSO I HAVE 2 OTHER CHILDREN HE ALWAYS SPENDS THE MONEY SOMEHOW SO I WOULD JUST LEAVE HIM IF HE IS URE FIANCE CAUSE TRUST ME MARRYING HIM WONT GET BETTER THE DIVORCE WILL COST ALOT SO SAVE URE SELF AND RAISE URE BABY BY URE SELF IKNOW ITS HARD BUT I RAISED MY DAUGHTER FOR LIKE 6 MONTHS N MY SON 4 MONTHS AND PREGNANT ALONE SINCE HE WAS IN PRISON SAVE URESELF FROM HIM I KNOW WHAT IM TELLIN U CAUSE THATS LIKE HEARING ABOUT MY HUSBAND IN A WAY...GOOD LUCK DONT WORRY I KNOW IF I CAN DO IT WITH 2 KIDS ALONE U CAN WITH ONE...TAKE CARE

Answer 10

Was he always this inconsiderate? If so, why did you get pregnant because it is only going to be 100 times harder with a baby. I would try to get marriage counseling before the baby comes, and if things don't improve by all means do not get married...it won't change him. Good luck!

Answer 11

Stop doing things for him, if he doesn't get his act together, he has to go.  You shouldn't have to worry about taking care of your little one, dog and a big baby.

Answer 12

Teach his a*s a lesson now!  If he can't take care of you or even a dog, he can't even be trusted with a baby.  He needs to be given an ultimatum and fast.  Seriously, you deserve better and he needs to learn how to be a responsible father.

Answer 13

If I was you I would go out and get myself something to eat or cook something for just me and not fix him anything or pick him up anything.  I would stop washing his clothes and picking up after him.  Just don't do anything for him and let him see how he likes it.  When he complains tell him you don't do anything for me so why should I do anything for you...Stand up for yourself.  He sounds like a jerk and needs to be taught a lesson.  It's his baby too that you are carrying and you should be getting special treatment during these special nine months of your life.  Good luck!!

Answer 14

Wow, sounds like he needs a swift kick in the behind! How frustrating for you.

Seriously, all the stuff the ppl above have mentioned is all very good and well as far as discouraging his behaviour but it sounds to me like there's more to it than him being a s***head. Was he like this before you got pregnant? By your reaction I'd say not.

If this is new behaviour (since getting pregnant) I'd say he's probably freaking out about the idea of being a father and the huge change you are all about to undergo. He's probably feeling resentful about "losing" you to the new baby - by that I mean, you won't just be his lady anymore, you'll be the mother of his child. He may be experiencing grief at the loss of your old life and old relationship. A lot of his "father baggage" may be coming up for him at this time. The list goes on.

As huge and scary and special a time as pregnancy is for us women, it is also a big deal for the men folk.

Would he agree to counselling? Or does he have friends (with kids) that he can talk to? Sometimes all they need is our permission to seek support. Maybe you could find one of those antenatal classes around that teaches men what it's like to be pregnant... I wish there were more of those!

My best advice to you is to get support for yourself and a reality check for him by bringing an experienced, objective and compassionate third party into the equation. A counsellor, a pastor, a doula or childbirth educator (a non-hospital c.e that can tailor the info to your needs).

It might also be a good idea for you to take a short break from each other - for you to get support/the treatment you deserve and for him to get that reality check he so desperately needs. Can you spend a little time with your mother, a sister or good friend? Or just go to your favourite holiday spot...

I hope that helps. Good luck.