Anyone got any short funny, clean jokes?

Question

they have to be funny, and not too long, you can tyoe as many as you want, my dad has lots of jokes, but i want to tell him a few, so please help. any jokes, as long as they r not too long, and as long as they r funny and clean.

thanks

Answer 1

Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him. Gentle prodding was ignored until after downing his ninth, Dan blurted out, "OK, it's your wife."

"My wife?" his friend demanded. "What about my wife?"

"I think she's cheating on us."  

Answer 2

A brunette, redhead and blonde run fast away from a rapist and decided to hide inside the truck wherein there are three sacks of vegies

The rapist came in and saw that three sacks then he strike the first one where the brunette is hidden and make the pig sound

”oink! oink! oink!”

Then the next one where the redhead is hidden made the noise of cats,

”Meow! Meow!”

The blonde has nothing to make any sound but "Potatoes! Potatoes!

Answer 3

brummy elephant goes on trekking hol to Africa ,he comes to the end of the jungle,he sees a water fall with cave under fall he feels drawn by it,when he gets to the end, he is met by a African elephant ,he says have you come to die ?[in a brummy accent he replies}no yesterDIE !!!!

Answer 4

A guy walked into a bar and said "ouch"

What do you call cheese that aint yours? Nacho cheese ! (Great for amusing the person serving you at the cinema)

Answer 5

Elderly lady in church (whispering to her husband): "I've just dropped a silent one. What should I do?"

Husband: "Get new batteries for your hearing aid!"

Answer 6

why did the blonde stare at a carton of orange juice for 3 hours ?

because it said concentrate

Answer 7

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings

account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was

impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She

just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my

bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Answer 8

The Archangel Gabriel and God were going to play a round of golf. The Archangel  Gabriel  say's ,"Lord,since you're the Supreme Being,why don't you go first"? So God  makes an estimate on how far the green is and prepares for his swing. He swings and the ball goes flying off thru the air.

But the wind caught the ball and it looked as if it wasn't going to make it anywhere near the green. Just then a bald eagle appears from the clouds,grabs the ball in its talon and throws it to the green. Again the ball is caught in the wind and ends up falling into the lake. Suddenly a frog appears and wraps his tongue around the ball and throws it towards the green. Still the ball fell short. Nearby is an antpile and one of the ants moves away from the colony and starts pushing the ball by himself towards the cup. He pushes,and pushes,and pushes,till FINALLY,it falls into the cup.

The Archangel Gabriel turns to the Lord and asks,"Hey! Are you gonna play some golf or just fool around"?

Answer 9

A mushroom went into a pub, sat down next to a pretty girl and asked if he could buy her a drink. She politely declined his offer.

'Oh come on' said the mushroom, 'I'm a fungi'

Answer 10

Guy says ' I went to  the market and got these two bottles of perfume. One for the wife and one for the mother in law. Wasn't a bad swap was it ? '

Answer 11

Secretary said to her boss "Can I use your dictaphone?".He said "No! use your finger like everyone else"