Anyone had any negative experience with their adoption?

Question

I know adoption is a good thing, but I need realistic stories of open adoptions since I'm think about putting my child up for open adoption. Anyone not allow to see their children when it was promised to them?

Answer 1

Lots of women are cut off from the folks who adopted their child, even in an open adoption.  Your best bet is to exhaust all other avenues first.  Unless you are unfit, or have too many children already that you are unable to care for them, your child's best interest is to stay with you, the father or a relative.  Investigate which states have laws that actually enforce the visitation contract. Last I heard, there were only 12 and most were still not enforcing the contract.

Answer 2

A response from the adoptive parent point of view:

We send letters and pictures to our child's birth mother, as we agreed.  It was a one-way agreement, so she doesn't send us anything.  That's okay, of course, but it makes it harder and harder to keep up our end.  It feels like if you keep calling a friend who never calls back--eventually you quit.  We aren't quitting, of course, but we do wish, for many reasons, that we might someday hear from her, find out how she's doing, what she went on to do after placing her child with us several years ago, when she was still a teenager.  Our child will want to know too, at an appropriate time.

Answer 3

I understand from your point of view, I think it's selfish of the adoptive parents to not letting birth parent know how their baby is doing, when they're being promised. The first reponder couldn't put himself in your shoes, some people just don't understand the feeling, especially people with no birth- experience, that life wouldn't be the same again for the birth mom after their delivery.  Your body will have the scar( from stretch marks, c-sections marks) permanantly, it's a constant reminder of your experience, so how can you not look back?

Especially when a society only promotes adoptions and posive things around the subjects, I can understand why you're asking this question.

Answer 4

There is a real risk of the adoptive parents closing the adoption after finalization...with or without rational justification. It makes me ill that people would do this, but that's the reality. I would never consider it, and I know other adoptive parents who feel the same way, the problem is how do you tell ahead of time who is sincere and who is going to shut the door in your face?

Have you really looked into all resources and your ability to keep and raise your child? Adoption might not be necessary.

Please visit www.soulofadoption.com and talk with the mothers there...many experiences there for you to read.

If you still choose to place, as someone else suggested perhaps you can select to review only those families already in an open adoption and ask to speak to  their other child's first mother about the relationship...as a reference.

Answer 5

I have gIven up two children for adoption. One through closed adoption one through open. The closed was the most horrible thing ive even been through as I to this day do not know were my son is. The open was the most amazing thing ever. I became wonderful friends with the parents and even stayed with them some while I was pregnant. To this day we are great friends. Tragically my son passed away from sids but I was treated as his mother by them even talked about at his funeral which I was involved in. I would have done it no other way than through open adoption. Feel free to talk to me more about it if ever you need to.

Answer 6

Hello -

I am an adoptive mother of a 3 year old.  We have an open adoption with her biological family.  You can read all about me and this adoption at

http://gregdeannaella.blogspot.com/

We are truely blessed to have a great relationship with our daughters biological family.  She sees her bio parents at least once a year.  We email them all the time, send them pictures and videos.  Our daughter calls her bio grandparents "grandma and grandpa" and sees them all the time, has even spent the night at their home.  

Open adoption can be wonderful if you find the right family.  There are many couples out there who say they will have an open adoption but then they do not follow through with this after the baby is born.  There are only 18 states were you can legally have the consent papers made binding, which means that the adoptive parents have to do what is stated in them.  For example; send you pictures and letters every month for the first year and then every 3 months until the baby is 5 or whatever you want.  Minnesota is one of those states, which is were we live.  In order to do this the state were the adoptive couple lives has to be one of those 18 states.  

Our daughters biological parents would be more than happy to talk to you about their experiences with having an open adoption with us.  If you have not already selected the couple whom you want to place your child with we would love to be considered.  If you want to talk with me more about this feel free to email me or call me.

Deanna

Answer 7

Hello, my husband and I adopted our daughter and we kept our word to her mom. She has seen her about three times but that was her choice. There are some people who will say that they will allow you to see the baby and keep it and some that want. You have to trust your feelings on the family you choose. I know that when they say open that may only mean pictures and a letter about three times a year. But like I said we kept ours open so that the birth mom could come and see our daughter. We were thankful to her since she had to make that choice to allow us to become parents.

Answer 8

Why would you want to put your child up for adoption? It was your choice to have a baby and you should stick with it. Although my moms friend put their child up for adoption. They were so sad. They wanted to get him back but by the time they went back (like 1 week later) he had already been adopted! They've hated themselfs eversince.

Answer 9

I am in the process of adoption and I have heard some negative stories from adoptive parents. Sorry, these are very much against open adoptions, but open adoptions do occur and several are highly successful - IF the birth mother chooses the family wisely.

One of the stories was where the birth mother called herself "mommy" and called the adoptive mother "she" or "Jane", i.e. anything to alienate the child. She also demanded to see the child for christmas and easter despite the fact that the adoptive father was from Europe and the original deal was to go to Europe for holidays. Due to agreements, the adoptive parents could not do much, but the child ended up questioning everything they did for him, his simple argument was always "but my MOM says...". Not something an adoptive family looks forward to. There are other such stories. As for not being allowed to see the child, if the parents move to another country, that would be difficult. Or even across the country... or if they can prove you are harmful to the child... I have not heard those stories - we get only one side of the story - but I am sure they exist.

But there are also stories where the children have ended up with two mothers and the mothers have become extremely fond of each other. I read a great story earlier: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/con...

I think the key is for you to select a family that is familiar with open adoption and is willing to let you talk with the birth mother. But, that's really rare. On your part, you will need to exercize tremendous restraint and maturity even if the adoptive family is possessive of the child - for the child's sake. Just be ready for that... Good luck! I hope you find a good family for your baby.

Answer 10

Hey again!  I just want you to know that I'm really glad you decided against an abortion.  You've got guts!

Anyway, to answer your question: It definitely depends on the adoptive family.  I would urge you to meet several families IN PERSON before making your final decision.  Any potential adoptive family you learn about- on parentprofiles.com, on YA, through the agency, whatever- should be happy to meet with you in person.  So many families have been scammed, so they have good reason to want to see you too.  If they hesitate, or just don't have time, well then that's probably how it will be after the adoption too!

Just to add to what magicpointeshoe said- the exact amount of time varies from state to state, but you have a couple of days after the birth to change your mind.  Until you sign that sheet of paper, you can back out at any time.  EVEN IF they are paying for your hospital expenses.  Potential adoptive parents should do that as a courtesy, not as a bribe!

All the links below are really good, I hope you'll take some time to look them over.  God bless!

Answer 11

I was promised that I wouldn't be a mystery to my son despite agreeing to no visits, so far they have broken that promise by lying via omission.  He knows he's adopted but nothing about how his birthparents have gotten married or that  he has two biological sisters.

Seriously though, as many awful stories there are about broken promises, try to protect your rights while you still have them.

Answer 12

My oldest grandchild is now 11.  He was adopted at 3 days of age.  My son placed him in his new parents vehicle as they left the hospital.   We have always been able to see him and call him.   We were invited to his first birthday party with the rest of his relatives.    Generally we have not intruded ie we don't call everyday, but the visits are about 1x per month or so.  We have been invited to swim meets, piano recitals, and soccer games. He is so secure it is amazing.  He knows he was given to his parents because his birth family loved him most.   They were not selfish.  

I think you can reassure yourself by interviewing couples. - the reason these people were picked is because they said, since they had lost two infants at birth, that if it meant another family would suffer a permanent loss they would not feel right adopting and severing all contact.    You can ask that they have a psych profile that measures maturity.

Answer 13

I am an adoption counselor and I would check out the agency or attorney you use thoroughly.  Choosing a person or agency you trust and is reputable is the first step.  They should offer counseling to you so you can look at all your options before you go forward with an adoption plan!!!  It's a very hard choice and shouldn't be made without all the information about it first.  Then you can begin looking at families, there again, they need to meet what you are looking for in parents not the other way around.  Meaning if you want an open adoption with visits, phone call access to one another, or not, that needs to be your decision.  I could say more.  I know the women that I have worked with that have chosen adoption deserve all the time and best counseling I can offer.  It is a huge decision but can be a wonderful way of giving your child a family when you may not be ready to assume a life long parenting role of him/her.

Answer 14

MoMo, we adopted our children at birth.  We have kept our promise to remain in contact and to have visits with their birthmother.

I held her hand as she labored and gave birth to two children that she gave to us and I could never deny her of an open adoption.

However, the main reason I want our adoption to remain open is for the children.  I want them to know their birthmother, how her laugh sounds, how her arms feel when they're wrapped around them in a hug, and how you can see her beautiful soul when you look into her eyes.

It irritates me to no end when potential adoptive parents think open adoption is how they "get" a child, not how they raise a child.  Most adoptive parents, however, keep their word and remain in close contact with the birthparents.

If you are worried, make sure you sit down with the adoptive parents and outline how many visits, pictures, etc. you would like.  I'll be honest, it's hard on our end to keep up the contact on a regular basis when we are so busy with the children, but it can be done and seeing the smile on their birthmother's face when she sees them is amazing.

Answer 15

A close friend of mine was adopted two weeks after his birth by wonderful people, but even though they have been really good parents, he still has a lot of resentment in him, both towards his birth mother for giving him up, and towards his adoptive parents, for what he percieves as favoritsm towards their other children.

Sometimes the way a kid reacts to his adoption has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with the personality of the kid.

Answer 16

if you put your child p for adoption, why would you go see it. i dont think you should have any rights if your going to do that. you should just be another stranger to the child, since you gave them up.