Anyone know any good jokes?

Question

Anyone know any good jokes?

Answer 1

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape!

Answer 2

what happend to the boy when he stuck his hand in the jelly been jar

the black one stole his watch!!!!

Answer 3

victoria becham

Answer 4

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

That's from http://www.eyebrowmagazine.com/visual_tr...

excellent place for jokes...

Answer 5

A man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the bartender, "This is the world's smartest dog. I'll bet you I can give him a dollar and he'll go down to the corner store, buy me a candy bar and bring it and the change back. If he does in less than 30 minutes, I drink for free for the day, otherwise I give you ten bucks."

The bartender says "Deal!". The man takes out a dollar, holds it out to the dog and says, "Snickers...fetch!". The dog runs out with the dollor in its mouth and returns in less than five minutes, Snickers bar and change in mouth.

"That's amazing!" said the bartender, as the man orders his first free round. "Can he fetch other stuff too?"

"Sure, I have him get papers, bags of chips, sodas...all sorts of things."

"You know, you could make a lot of money with that...tell you what, bring him back in a week. I'll like up some suckers to bet big bucks and we'll split afterwards 50-50."

The man agrees and they return in a week to a bunch of potential bettors. All goes well until the man proposes the item to fetch. One bettor objects, pointing out he could have a confederate outside somewhere who gives the preplanned thing to the dog. "Fine", says the man, "you choose."

"OK, how about a carton of smokes?"

"No problem." The man takes out three twenties and says, "Carton of Marlboros, hard-top box...fetch!" The dog races out.

Time goes by...no dog. The thirty minutes pass and still no dog. The man pays off the bettors and leaves, the bartender cursing him as he goes. Looking for the dog, he eventually finds it humping a french poodle for all its worth. "How could you do that to me, boy? You've never done anything like this before!"

The dog glances up and says, "Never had sixty bucks before, either."

Answer 6

A banker, confused with maths, asked his secretary:

If I give you $3 million less 5%, how much would you take-off?

Sec: Everything, sir !!!

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Mr X: Doctor, could I be able to see after my glasses?

Doctor: Of course you will

Mr. X : That's great! I never could have seen before

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like h**l!

Answer 7

Bush: I'm going to see that bloke Shakes-a-willy.

Condi: I can do it for you.

Answer 8

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing

he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting,

he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber

on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,

"but down the hall from your room is a vending

machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the

machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into

the opening, at which time the machine started to

buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman

pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection,

which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign

that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,

inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine

started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he

pulled out his hands and they were perfectly

manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This

Machine Provides a Service Men Need When

Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents

in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some

anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out

a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen

seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to

withdraw his tender unit...Which now had a

button sewn on the end.

Answer 9

how have i lost 5 pounds  a bacon slicer

Answer 10

a ventriloquist and his dummy were on stage and started to crack a whole bunch of blond jokes. so a blond stood up and said "i hate that everyone makes it seem as if blonds are stupid. i am a blond and i am very smart" and she kept going on for about 5 minutes. the ventriloquist said "well i'm sorry ma'am" the blond replied "you stay out of this, i'm talking to that little guy on your knee"

ha ha typical blond joke...hope u liked it (:

Answer 11

Try this link at Jokes Warehouse - free - including joke of the day etc.

http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/