Anyone want to comment on my poem? Not my best but my recent break-up is providing lots of inspiration...?

Question

When it’s night

And there’s nobody else around,

And I only have myself to answer to;

If I concentrate hard enough

I find I can still feel,

Your breath on my neck,

Your hands in my hair,

And your skin beneath my fingertips.

I wonder how long it’ll be

Until it fades,

To nothing;

Or I need it less and less

So I no longer bother to concentrate,

On trying to find it,

And feel it again.

Answer 1

Wow,you're good...

And you're really right,LOVE is the best inspiration in making something cause it provides us ideas base to our feelings...

Sometimes,putting some rhymes make it better...

Keep up the good work girl...and someday,you might be famous because of the break-up thing that provide you some ideas and putting it together which will result in one idea that we call poem...

Remember...CONFIDENT IS BEAUTIFUL...

take care always and gudluck...=)

Answer 2

I LOVE IT!

Better than most the poems I read in AP English.

No need for rhyme, no rhyme scheme needed, plus the free verse (the style of your poem) adds to the feeling of disillusionment and emptiness (nothing seems concrete or certain, really brings out the mood) after a break-up. I would not change a thing

Again I LOVE IT!

Continue writing and I will continue reading.

Answer 3

I don't get it.  What I don't get is why the writer has to concentrate on these feelings of love?  When someone is in love they usually have to concentrate on NOT still feeling their former loved ones breath on their neck, their hands in their hair, their skin beneath my fingertips.

When its night

and there's nobody around

I can still feel

your breath on my neck

your hands in my hair,

your skin beneath my fingertips

wondering how long it'll be

until it fades

until I need you less and less

I try not to feel you

and find you're still there

Just a "crop job" like it or hate it.

If it sounds way off from what you were trying to say, then I guess I just really missed it ...

Answer 4

I like it. It's a really strong image and the subject matter is something most of us can relate to. I'd like to see you go even further in describing this moment of remembering. What did they smell like? How did it feel? How does it feel being without them? One exercise that sometimes helps to take you back to a moment and stop yourself from censoring your writing is a free-write. You might know what this is, but in case you don't: Write non-stop for 10 minutes on a topic. Even if you're writing nonsense like: "I don't know what to write..." just keep writing and try to just write whatever comes into your head while concentrating on your topic. In this case, how it felt to be with your partner or even how it feels not to be with them anymore... this can free up your writing and help you access a lot of raw emotions. Then you can take your favorite sentences of your free-write and incorporate them into your poem. Keep it up, this is great stuff.  

Answer 5

That was good, maybe you could beef it out a bit, but you've def got some good ideas in there! x

Answer 6

Yes I liked,keep at it.