Anyone want to read and comment on this little poem?

Question

THE TIME SPONSORED BY ACCURIST

Feeling kind of sad and low -

done some heavy-duty weeping.

'Phone a friend to say hello

and to ask her how she's keeping.

See, I'd like to hear a voice

just to keep myself from moping.

Sure not spoilt much for choice -

is she in? Oh well, here's hoping.

I say "hi there" down the line

and she returns the same word back.

"You okay?" I ask. "Yeah, fine -

was just about to hit the sack.

Don't like staying up too late,

so I'll ring you back tomorrow".

All next day I sit and wait -

seems her promises are hollow.

For 'tomorrow' never comes -

she never does return my call.

Hear the beat of sorrow's drums -

they play for me, I'm in their thrall.

Still, I want to hear a voice

otherwise I'm going to crack.

'Phone again, I've got no choice -

the same old tale - "I'll ring you back"!

Answer 1

Hmm. Not bad.

Answer 2

Strange???But I liked it, but it does sound really depressing maybe make it will a good ending, will make it fell there is more to come of you!the end just sounds dead!

Answer 3

A bit depressing, but overall well-written.

Can you answer mine?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

I am interpreting some concern

she asks if you are okay

yet she was dishonest because

she said she would return your call

and never did.  At least I detect emotions

I like the concern but not the deception.

that is not much of a friend

Friends:

Friends are people who care

the feelings they share

Good communication is a must

along with trust

Don't wait too long

until something is wrong

It is important to communicate

failure to do this it can terminate.

Answer 5

i really like it! the rhyming's really creative, and it tells a very clear story, and theres feeling there too. if you want some advice, the only thing im can say is that, personally, i like it better without the last verse, because the third verse has more of an air of finality to it than the fourth does. but i was still really impressed with it! something so simple, like a phone call, became something great.

Answer 6

I have definately had that feeling before!  I loved your poem, a lot of people can really relate to it.  The rhyming and rythms goes really well.  Great job!  ^^

Answer 7

Interesting take! It really went to the other side of the phone on this one. Great rhyme and rhythm. The depressing atmosphere is felt for sure, and the last bit isn't so grand. But it sounds truthful and honest...feelings we've probably all had. I know that includes me. Thanks for sharing it!

Answer 8

its very individualistic i've never heard one about dissapointment written in a way that kept my attention through such a simple rhym scheme. Though i wouldnt have personally been able to write one about a friend never  calling back I understand the mood of the poem, It's beautifull in the way that feelings of dissapointment are expressed with out turning into a "life is hopeless" theme, I give it thumbs up.

Answer 9

It's quite the melancholy poem. Still it kept my interest all the same. I think it is good and well written.

Answer 10

It is different, but I liked it a lot. You do what most poets have a hard time doing, rhyming and it is not awkward. I can feel the emotion that is radiating out from this poem, kind of a sadness and apprehension combined. Keep up the good work!

Answer 11

b'ring! Not, not as in "b'ring", someone's calling you; "b'ring, as in BORING.

Answer 12

i like how the rhyming goes. it has a nice little rhythm like i think is easy to say. and most people can relate to needing to talk to someone and the person says they will call back, but never do.