Aparents, any advice on writing a difficult letter to my sons Aparents?

Question

OK, so my son was adopted 8 months ago. Adoption was never intended, I had to fly to my mothers funeral (sudden) when I was 9 months pregnant and my family on her side forced me to place with a friend of the family. I had 9 days to get to know these people. They seemed very kind and very sweet. I told them the only way I could survive this was if it was a completely open adoption.

Of course they agreed to everything I asked but 3 weeks after his birth I had to fly back home. They pretty much bolted after I left.

They moved across the country and now only write every 3 months with 4 pictures and a short note. They never call, never e-mail. They stopped responding to my calls and e-mails.

I want to write them a letter to tell them how much I was and still am hurt and devastated by what they did but I don't want to push them farther away. What could your birthmother write to you that would maybe help you see how she feels and make you want to try and rebuild the relationship?

Answer 1

I think first of all you should try another lawyer explain to him that you was emotionally unstable and was in no state of mind to make such a huge descision! and you where pushed into it whilst you where bereaving for your  mother, tell him all you needed was some support for a while and not to put your child up for adoption!

As for the letter i would leave this until you have tried this again, and then IF you do have to write it which i hope you don't, just say something like

you know how much you love my son well i love him too, imagine if somebody was stopping you from seeing him, i don't want to take him away from you i just want him in my life he can call me aunty if you wish or just know me as a family friend, i would appreciate it if you could keep me updated on his progress eg if he is sleeping through the night, if he's on solid foods, his first word, when he is teething when he take his first steps etc you could do this in an email to me once a month with attached photos also i would like to be able to visit (insert number) a year when this is convenient for you or you could bring him to visit me if you wish.

I would like to stress that i do not want to take your place as his mother but i would just like him to know me.

i hope you understand how i feel and will try to help me with still having some kind of relationship with my son

Yours thankfully

your name

Hope this helps

Answer 2

I would avoid telling them about the history and just tell them how you feel.  Let them know youi can be part of his life without taking anything away from their parental relationship with him.

Speak from the heart, and in non-accusatory tones.  That is all you can do.

I wish you luck.

Answer 3

I am soo soo sorry.  I agree open adoptions should be legally enforceable.  Nothing pi$$es me off more than aparents closing an open adoption.

Here is my advice to you,

Thank them for taking the time to send you picts and notes.  Express to them that you understand that they must be busy right now raising a baby.  Offer some kind of compliment if you can or wish.

Next open your heart.  Tell them how your child is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night.  How you love your child.  Tell them how painful this is for you.  Explain how much the photos and letters help you and if at all possible could i receive more picts and letters maybe even an email?

Thank them for their time and for understanding.  

****keep it brief, explain your grief, thank them for what they do send, and kindly ask for their help in easing your pain.

This is the best advice i can offer.  Don't accuse them for causing the pain.  Put the letter like you are asking for their help and you appreciate what they have done so far.

You do have every right to be angry and hurt but don't tell your child's aparents at this time.  I'm worried that if you blame them or express your disappointment with them, they will push you further away.

Come back here to vent if you need to but do not vent to the aparents yet.  You are still on shaky grounds.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope your child's aparents do right by you for the sake of the child!

Answer 4

It sounds as though this family is afraid you are going to take the baby away, so they are "hiding."    I think at this point you have to say to yourself, "Am I going to allow these people to raise my child?"  or "I want him back!"

If the adoption has been legally finalized and you are unable to get him back, I would suggest that you write to these people that you completely understand the finality of the adoption, that you know he is legally theirs, and assure them that you just want to be included in his life as he grows.   At least they are still providing pictures and letters, so you are still in touch with them.

If you have doubts about the legality of the adoption and you want your child back, then your best course of action is to consult with an attorney as soon as possible.  If you are to get him back, it's better that it happens now, while he is still an infant, and not after several years go by without him even getting to know you during that time.

Answer 5

Something sounds very wrong here.  Were you forced into adopting your son to some people?  You say Adoption was never intended?!

This doesn't even sound legal, I would contact a good lawyer immediately and get your child back.  I've never even heard of an "Open Adoption".  They probably don't want you in their lives.  Something doesn't sound right here, why would you just give up your baby?  

Call an attorney and get some legal advice.

Answer 6

I have no advice - I'm just appalled that these AP's did this.

It disgusts me that there are AP's that would even contemplate adopting - unless they were 100% sure that mother and child could stay not together.

I'm so so so so sorry for you - and so very sorry for your child.

This adoption should have NEVER taken place.

I'm so sorry.

Answer 7

Keep in mind that you gave up your baby to the adoptive parents. Open adoption really means more about being open with the child that he/she was adopted, not so much a guarantee that they will keep the birth mother in the child's life. Sorry, but if this is what they choose, you can't change that. You are right about not wanting to pressure them. Just be cool and see how it plays out. You may be waiting a while, but hopefully your baby will be raised by good people.

Answer 8

This does not make sense to me either.  You would have had to sign papers relinquishing the child.  Nobody can force you to do that.  This does not sound like any actual adoption took place.

Answer 9

Ok so I dont live in the USA but SURELY if you were co-erced or FORCED To give your baby away there is something you can do in THIS DAY AND AGE

There HAS TO BE

Can I ask a ? - do you want him back still now ?

Then go to the courts , go to the networks tell your story, tell what you have said here, tell that you are having his sister or brother tell that you WANT to be a family....

good luck and truly I am sorry that I gave you a tough time in the other thread the other day I had NO idea this was the situation xx

ETA 4 thumbs downs ? for what ? being compassionate

GROW UP people

Answer 10

I am so sorry.......I would keep trying to connect as you have been. EVEN if they still choose to act in this horrible manner, you are trying.........One day, your son more than likely will want to find you. The odds are in your favor.  I would make copies of each letter you send, place it in a box, so that IF they do not share these with him, you will have them for him to read once he re connects with you.  I am not promising a happy outcome of course, praying it be so for you however.

Hopefully, they will come around for all of your sakes, but mostly, your son's.

Answer 11

This is only my opinion, as I have very little knowledge of adoption laws and bylaws, but....

To me, it would seem that an "open" adoption, without legal counsel, isn't legally binding in any way.  It would appear that your child has been kidnapped, not adopted, and you should have no problem whatsoever getting him back if that's what you want.

If you only want to visit him, I suggest calling the police anyway, telling them he was kidnapped, and then settling the differences with his aparents when they get back to you.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.  This just doesn't add up somehow.  Best of luck.  God bless. :)

Answer 12

Just be honest with them. Tell them that you would like to have more contact with them and the baby.  You want to make sure that everything is going well for him, and would like to enjoy his life as well.  You can alway include in your letter (if you are afraid they don't want to tell him about the adoption) that they can refer to you as a cousin, aunt etc.  The title at this point should not matter. You need to regain your relationship and trust with one another before you get into explaining the adoption thing to him when he gets older.  

I hope this helps.  Don't be afraid.  Just be open and honest and all will be work it self out.

Answer 13

I think that you should put it all out there. Include parts of this Q

Start with wanting to rebuild the relation ship.

Tell them you want to be more that a pic and tell them how you would like to be involved. Ask them how they would like to see you involved.

Wright the positive effects of your son having a relation ship with you.

Put it all out there. Tell them how much you love him and that you will respect the relationship they have with him and that you want to do what's best for him.

You could include a list of some sites so they can research the best way to raise a child in an open adoption. If they become more educated about whats best for the child and what you are interested in they will be able to make a more informed decision that should include you in the picture.

Answer 14

Interesting question!

My children's experience is different than yours, so I can only speak as another human being, rather than from the platform of experience in your situation.

I would suggest being open and honest about your feelings and the desire to have some relationship in your son's life.  Try not to place blame, even if it is deserved, because that won't help matters at all.  It could be possible that the adoptive parents are concerned about the boundaries, meaning that even though you are their child's first mother, their role is the primary parents of the child.  Maybe you could reassure them that having a relationship with your son won't jeopardize those boundaries.  Offer to go through an intermediary, like a social worker.  

I'm spitballing here, but I believe the reason that adoptive parents "close" open adoptions is because of fear and lack of education on the benefits of open adoption.  Especially if the couple are first time parents, they may be questioning their own abilities to parent and foster a bond between them and the child.  

But tell them how you feel.  Those are valid feelings!

Good luck!

Answer 15

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  I'm very sorry you lost your son and your mom.

I can't make any excuses for these parents, but I will say this. If you contested the adoption, the attorney handling the adoption had to be notified, that is the way it is.  I PROMISE you they KNOW you tried to contest it and now they are threatened.  I don't think they trust you anymore, (I'm not saying that is right because they were untrustworthy first and it is your child)

.

They are scared to death of you, and it will take a long time for them to get over that.

I would write the letter anyway.  What you wrote in your question is perfect.  You lost your mom and your baby all in a month's time, you had 9 days to get to know them and you judged them to be kind and sweet people...now you feel cut off and hurt.

If you can honestly say it, I would say that you understand and accept that they are the adoptive parents of the baby and they are raising him, but you would like more contact.  You want to know that your child is ok.

I will tell you that in my experience, letters and pictures four times a year is what most people consider open.  I'm suprised you get that  much.  In fact, it is so regulated it sounds like an agency told them to do it as it is standard.

Maybe they feel you were calling and emailing too much......From our point of view, I'd be emailing all the time, but maybe they feel that is too much.

You say she's a friend of the family, is there a family member who  could be a FAIR middle person that could mediate some communication for you and the Aparents (it sounds like might be on their side though)?

Open adoptions are not legally binding, and even if it was, you are get what is considered the standard.

I'm so sorry....when I do home studies for adoptive parents I always examine where they are in the adoption journey.  I spend a lot of time on their acceptance of adoption and the family of origin.  A lot of people, especially infertile couples, are VERY insecure in their decision to adopt and very insecure about their shared roles as parents...sounds to me like these parents are very insecure.  Those are the people I refer for lots and lots of counseling and education before I ok them....but I only do special needs adoptions (older kids...sick babies).

I'm sorry this happened to you, there a lots of nice (and not so nice) people on this board who can be a support to you.

You've also had a lot of loss, maybe you should contact a counselor and get some grief support. I'm not saying you'll get over your losses, but some help living with it may not be a bad idea.

God Bless you.