Aparents how do you deal with?

Question

your child's sense of loss? it's only natural for them to feel it.

Answer 1

Occasionally my son has questions about his first family. We talk honestly and I have told him several times that if he ever has a question or just wants to talk, I will. I don't know if he feels loss -- he's only 7 and hasn't used that word. His questions are usually things like, "Are my people dead?" or "Why couldn't my birthday mom (that's what he calls her) take care of me?" When I answer, he just seems to accept what I say and that's the end of it. I don't think he's ever asked more than question at a time.

I have spent a lot of time over the past six months or so reading this board and I know a lot more than I used to. I now understand about loss -- some people feel it more strongly than others -- and am more than willing to help my son if it comes up for him.

Answer 2

Two of my kids were adopted as older children.  They have bad memories of their parents, but they do miss their old home, their siblings, and their playmates. Our kids tell us when they're feeling blue, and we watch the video of their family, look at pictures, write letters to them.  We have the kids share stories about their sibs and they're making a book of their memories.  We listen to our kids and encourage them to talk.  We try to help our kids understand what they're feeling, and that their feelings are valid.

And then there's our eldest child, who doesn't see what the big deal is...   he knows we're here if he wants to talk, he sees it with his sibs, but he's not interested just now.

Answer 3

I haven't experienced this yet, but I've armed myself with books like Helping Children Cope With Separation And Loss, Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Raising Adopted Children, along with a bunch of others that I don't have within easy reach.  I've bookmarked all of Gershom and others' links, and read them when I get the chance.  As you know, I pop in here all the time picking the brains of adoptees and others (I've yet to find another place where I learn so much).  I've worked with troubled kids, adults, and the elderly, for years, and I'd say the most important part of my job has always been helping my clients through loss.  I've made a LOT of mistakes along the way.  But I never stop learning.  There's always more information that will help me to do what I set out to do.  I think the most important thing I've learned is VALIDATION!!!  If someone is experiencing pain, it's ALWAYS legitimate!  I never received validation as a child or young adult, so this was something that took me awhile to figure out.  I didn't even know what validation WAS until a few years ago...sad, but true.