Aparents who are against their children finding their fparents...Why?

Question

I am just curious how some people are feeling about this. I WANT my children to keep in touch with their first families all throughout their lives, but I know a lot of people do not feel the same way...so I am wondering what is it that makes you NOT want either continuous contact or a reunion for your children.

I am not addressing this to those whose children have been removed due to violence or any type of abuse, since that would be an obvious and totally understandable reason.

Thanks for you answers...I really look forward to hearing them!

Answer 1

I'm another adoptee that couldn't stay away from answering your question. :D  

I can tell you what my adoptive parents have discussed with me though.

My a-mom AND my f-mom thought that it would be too confusing for me to have two moms.  That's why they both wanted a closed adoption.  (Yes, my f-mom has told me this herself as well, so I know it's the truth.)  However, my a-mom encouraged me to search and reunite with my f-mom as soon as I expressed an interest to do so.  She's never discouraged me from searching... quite the opposite... she got excited and helped as much as she possibly could.

My a-dad's family, however, were (and are) against my search/reunion.  They are threatened by it and have already come out and accused me of trying to replace them.  They've guilt-tripped me to no end... And no matter what I say, they just don't seem to get it.  I've tried and tried till I was blue in the face to explain to them that I DON'T want to replace them!  This isn't about THEM.  It's about ME and what *I* want to know... I'm not replacing my old family, I'm adding to my family.  

I think, in the cases of younger children, a lot of AP's think like my a-mom... they don't want the child to be confused or their parenting undermined.  I also think that, in cases of adopted adults, they are either a) threatened by the adoptee's desire to search or b) don't want their kid to get hurt.  A lot of AP's I've spoken with privately DO express a desire to protect their child from being rejected and hurt again... But that's something the adoptee has to prepare themselves for and weigh in on their own... Keeping an adoptee from searching with scare and guilt tactics only alienates the adoptive parent... if that makes any sense.

I hope I didn't overstep my bounds on this one.

Answer 2

Good question.  With all of the information out there about how healthy this is for the child, I have a hard time understanding it myself.  Obvious safety and concerns for the child's wellbeing aside, I don't see the big need for secrecy.  The worry about a child being "confused" has pretty well been debunked by the recent studies on open adoption.

If I had to guess, I think it would have more to do with insecurities and fears on the part of the adoptive parents.  Hopefully, with more education out there on the subject, this will be resolved.  I don't think APs who feel this way necessarily need condemnation, but I'd rather see it as an opportunity for education.  Most APs really want to do what is best for the child.  It's a matter of helping the fearful ones understand that contact IS best for the child.

Answer 3

I can only think of one reason why AP's would not want their children to get in touch with their first family - "insecurity".  

All I can say is that we should just trust that our children will do the right thing.  If we have raised them to be kind and loving people, they will have the capacity to love many including us and including their first family. Let them do what is right for them and support them no matter what.

I think life would be a lot easier for adoptees if AP's replaced insecurity with unconditional love.

Answer 4

I agree with Jen 100%. Although, I don't have the patience  in educating adults that don't want to listen never mind learning about something they should have educated themselves on prior to adoption.

I think most Aps adopting from Asian and latin american countries should go and take an extended vacation in the countries they adopted from. Look at how intimate the families and neighbors are. They try to take care of each other.

In Guatemala "almost all" women do not do drugs or drink nor even smoke cigarettes. They can't afford it and they are more health conscious than most Americans. With the exception of the city, it difficult to even find ciggs. I get nagged alot because I smoke.  

Do you really think that their gov'ts care if abuse is going on when they don't even have a welfare system. Its very unlikely a child was taken from a family for abuse and placed up for adoption. Don't kid yourselves.

Answer 5

My a-mum didn't want me to search, and when I asked Q's about my family of origin she got upset, and asked me not to talk about them.

She was petrified that I would leave her - that it would mean I didn't love her.

I was petrified that I would hurt her.

I was also petrified that she would leave me if I pushed the subject - another rejection of sorts.

She made me feel 'bad' for wanting to know what just about every adoptee wants to know - where I came from - and why I was given up for adoption. Who shares my eye and hair colour - who shares my talents. Was it my fault that I was relinquished - do you think of me sometimes.

Adoptive parents can't just 'answer' those questions for an adoptee.

An adoptee needs to hear it from the source.

Well, IMHO most do.

The really sad thing - if my a-mum were alive today - I think she'd be very supportive of my wishing to know that part of me - it's just that she died when I was 18 - and we didn't get to be adults with one another - and I didn't have the toosl at a young age to convince her that it really wasn't about her at all - it was always about me.

But I shouldn't have had to convince her of that - I was the child - she was the adult.

I wish someone had told her how hurt and confused adoptees are over these issues.

If only a-parents would be more open-minded about it all - and actually help and support their adoptees through it - from a young age - there would be stronger relationships all around.

Again - JMHO

Answer 6

my parents i guess dont want me to find them

its weird

my birth mom was in jail but im sure shes better and toegther by now...

so i dont know why...... :[

Answer 7

I am all for my son wanting to find his natural parents when he is old enough to make the decision and when I (or a doctor) feel he is emotionally healthy enough for it.

I would not want him to have contact if his natural parents were bad people...  like "those whose children have been removed due to violence or any type of abuse" and they'd pose a danger for him.  However, I'd still think that SOME form of oral communication should be made for "closure", even if they are bad.  It's a tough call.

I just hope my son and I can talk about this alot when he is older.

Answer 8

My son was adopted through the Foster Care program. His f-father severely abused and neglected him to the point my son was in the hospital. His f-mother left him with his father because she was being abused.

My son has asked about her regularly and wants to find her when he is older. I tell him what I know about her. He asks me why she left him in that environment. I explain the best I can the dynamics of domestic violence, but it is still hard for him to understand. l will support and help him locate her when he is older. (He is only 14) Right now, his counselor does not think he is ready to meet her.

He has regular contact with relatives on his father's side of the family. Now that his father is deceased we can do this without worrying about him.. He recently spent a week with his uncle, cousins and met a sister for the first time (and found out he is an uncle!!) . He also spent a week with his brother in July.  ANd they are making plans to get together to go deer hunting in November.

I think limiting his contact with his family is only hurting him in the long run and will also hurt our relationship later on.  He just happens to have a very large family that love him. What can be so bad about that?  

Answer 9

i personally was not adoptive or an adopted family but my husband's parents adopted 5 children in addition to their 3 natural children and one of his sisters just reunited w/her birth parents at 19 and it was a disaster. they turned out to not be nice people and it was devastating for her. she just changed all of her numbers so she isn't in contact with them anymore and has recognized that her adoptive family is her true family who loves her no matter what. i say we can only to make sure you prepare them for the disappointment,just in case but now a days there are more open adoptions so that you can know what you're dealing w/ i don't think there should be any private adoptions so that every knows the score from the beginning but that's my personal opinion.

Answer 10

I think it depends on the child and the first family.  

Answer 11

Okay, I am not an adoptive parent, I am an adoptee. I know my adoptive parents told me from the earliest time when I could understand the concepts of adoption in simple form, I knew I was adopted. My parents did support me in finding my biological parents and my mother found my biological parents when I was fifteen.

Very hard emotional experience as my biological mother and I do not get along at all, my biological father and I are good, he loves me and whatnot but. my biological mother controls everything in that household and I have been written off ten times now. The hardest thing is knowing my two younger brothers and younger sister, knowing I cannot see them, phone them, send them e-mails and that hurts a lot.

If my parents were against me finding my biological parents I would be furious as that is my right to know of my roots.

I recently found my 16 year old brother on Facebook and have messaged him so that he knows I have always love him, that his parents and I just have too many differences to make it work between us. That I never have abandoned him and love him, my other brother and little sister very much. That when he is an adult my door would always be open to a relationship.

That is the hardest thing for me knowing of them and not being able to be a part of their lives. My little sister apparently asks about me sometimes daily, it's sad.  

Answer 12

Well we are our child's first family and I'm not worried that we will lose touch. I'm not his aparent, I am his mother.

I'm ready to support any type of search that he may consider but I do not hope that he searches. I hope that he is as comfortable and happy as I am and won't think it makes a bit of sense.

I've known two people in reunion and both have had an extraordinary amount of drama and upheaval in their lives. He doesn't seem to lean that way so I would be pretty surprised if he went there. But if he does it's not a problem, though I wish he would skip it!

Answer 13

Our children were adopted from foster care.  They were placed in foster care because of neglect and abuse by their biological mother stemming from her drug/alcohol problems.  But, the problems also extend to the biological father and their entire extended family (history of violence, sexual abuse, drugs, jail, etc).  

We felt for stability and safety issues, we were not comfortable maintaining contact with the birth family.  We occasionally send letters and photos to the biological mother, but that is it.  We are keeping all records from when they were in foster care and surrounding the adoption so our sons have that information if, when they are adults, they decide to make contact.  That will be their decision when they are old enough.  

Answer 14

I am an adoptive parent and I will support my son (and help him, if he wishes) if he decides to search when he is older. When I first brought my son home he was 2-1/2 and I was not very well-educated about adoption loss. I knew quite a bit about parenting and discipline and nutrition and all that stuff, but next to nothing about what an adoptee feels and goes through in his life. Over time I have come to realize that my son's first mother is not a threat to my relationship with her/my/our child. My son has TWO mothers and he knows that it's OK to love us both. He has asked me about searching (he's 7 years old, btw) and I have told him that we can do that when he's a little older. He accepts that response; probably because he trusts me and he knows that I love him.

Answer 15

hey well, from what i know. i hear that some parents want to be the only parent.  They may feel that they are the only ones who truly loved the child and want to protect them from maybe confusion

Answer 16

Aside from abuse situations, I can't see keeping a child from having contact with the biological family at all-- but I can see thinking that it might not be a good thing at the present moment. If I didn't think my child was in a good emotional place, or thought that contact seemed to be doing emotional harm, I could see myself thinking "This isn't a good time," and backing off for awhile until the underlying problem was resolved. But this would be temporary, with the goal of fixing things, and once the child became an adult it would be totally their decision.

In a situation where there WAS abuse, I would not push contact unless the child wanted it, it was for the child's benefit rather than the parent's, we were working with a therapist's help to make sure no more harm was being done to the child, and that the abusive relationship dynamic wasn't continuing, as well as just the actual abuse. Nor would I send the abusive parent updates, pictures, or identifying information without the child's express permission. I wouldn't want someone who beat or raped or abused me to have regular updates on my life, and I wouldn't push that on my child; if the child wanted it, and it was safe, I would go along, but it's not something I would insist on or try to persuade them about.

If contact was safe, and wasn't doing emotional harm, I don't see a reason to permanently cut out the biological family. But the child's needs come first, and there may be times when what they need is a break from contact.

Answer 17

mom2adorable etc: No one is stopping you from responding. Even if you get, say, 2 thumbs up and 10 thumbs down, you have your say.

It makes people think.

And this was a very interesting question that some lurkers/commenters will probably want to avoid.