Appropriate responses to mother in law?

Question

My husband (Pete) and I have been bickering lately. Mostly about spending more time with his friend (Ross) than with me. He invites his friend to run errands or watch movies with us. Pete will often change plans to include Ross.

Ross has depression, lower IQ, but over-all a nice person. If Pete asks him to come over, he will. I don't have a problem with Ross directly.

I have a problem with Pete constantly inviting him during all of his free time and not telling me until Ross shows up. Pete won't spend time with me unless we are doing something, but he will sit with Ross and just talk for hours.

Pete has been doing better about balancing his time and compromising. But many times he changes the plans around, which affects me and my time with him. We are working on compromising & communicating more effectively.

I had talked to my in-laws trying to find a way to deal with this situation. My mother in law told me to talk Ross.

I explained that my problem is with Pete, not Ross. Also I told her that I married Pete and not Ross. She still thinks I should tell Ross to go home or tell him not to come over every time my husband calls.

Do you think my response to my MIL was appropriate?

Answer 1

I think your mother in law gave you a good idea to make sure that Ross as well as Pete gets the idea that they cant be together 24/7. Im sure that Pete hasnt even told his friend that hes trying to spend more time with his wife, and I bet that Ross thinks that nothing is wrong, and he is going to keep asking if he can invite himself everywhere or whatever. So I think that even though your hubby is doing better by managing his time, I think talking to his friend might be beneficial as well. Of course you didnt marry this other guy, but I think he doesnt even know whats going on. Just give him a heads up. If you dont like your mother in laws advice, try your own mother. Im so done with going to my MIL for advice!!

Answer 2

I think you're trying to hard with words.  Don't crowd your husband, he'll end up resenting you.

Answer 3

You are correct. Your problem is with your husband and not Ross.

It would be rude to tell Ross to leave, as he is an invited guest.

Ross has no ill-will toward you or your marriage.

Sadly, it sounds like your husband is using Ross to avoid being alone with you.

A discussion needs to take place without bringing up Ross' name.

You need to ask your husband:

1. Why he does not want to spend quality time alone with you

2. Why he needs a third party present at all times

3. Why he can communicate with others, but has trouble communicating with you one-on-one

Leaving Ross' name out of the equation forces him to respond regarding his actions.

If he brings Ross up, tell him that this is not about Ross. This is about him and the break down of your marriage.

His actions are speaking loudly, and his answers to the above questions should give you some insight as to why he is behaving the way he is.

Does he fear being alone with just you?

Does having a third party present help him to avoid dealing with the issues in your relationship?

Does he spend hours talking to others so that he does not have to confront you about his feelings?

Best wishes

  

Answer 4

No I agree with you that her response was inappropriate.  You are correct in thinking that this is a problem with your hubby not with his friend.  All your hubby has to do is devote a specific amount of time with you.  Have you suggested that the two of you have a date night?  Let him know that you're beginning to feel disconnected from him and bored with the same old routine.  If, every Friday/Saturday evening, the two of you spend time alone (without Ross or anyone else) then you'll feel better about when your hubby spends time with his friends.  Just because you two are married, your husband can't get into the habit of just taking you for granted.  Your relationship with each other needs to grow and at the very least be maintained.  It's very wise of you to put an end to this stuff now rather than after years have passed by.

Answer 5

Your MIL is right but I would do it this way..

The next time Ross comes over have a sit down with BOTH.....tell them you are beginning to feel like the third wheel in a marriage-theirs.

Then tell both of them you will start to resent them both if you don't get some together time with your husband....and yeah, even tho your problem is with Pete, there's nothing wrong with telling Ross his sudden appearance is very inconvenient to you, and to go home....with a strong suggestion that in future please call YOU just to make sure it isn't a bad time.....and let hubby know you WILL start chasing Pete home IF he, the hubby, doesn't start considering you when inviting the friend over.....

You see, altho you are married to Pete, it's both Pete & Ross together causing the problem....and don't think for one moment Ross doesn't realise he's over your place an awful lot...he does. He should be asking your husband...is it okay with 'Sarah', you did make sure she has nothing else planned, right?' The consideration of you should come first from hubby and yes, secondly from Ross. So since the two of them are causing the problem, the two of them need to be addressed with the problem. if just one is, the one will continue the behavior, and the other will give in....problem continues.

My husband tends to do this with his friends, I don't mind the visits but he'll call from work and tell me so-and so-is on his way to meet up with him at our home for a visit, and then I'm left with a problem-what to feed a third person or a couple when I've planned a meal for two.....I 'scratch ' cook and use no convenience foods (my hubby is diabetic) so meals take time.

...so that last time he 'forgot' to give me a heads up, when they all landed I told them since I only had 30 minutes notice on the visit I had nothing thawed out for a large enough meal (meat) so we'll all have to go out to dinner...our treat of course. The other couple was fine with that, I enjoy eating out every once in a while....lol gee now Hubby gives me a heads up in plenty of time......good luck.

Edit: I agree with AJ..she's got how guys are with each other pegged....betcha Ross has no idea what's going on and his visiting is just as much his idea as Pete's....

Answer 6

You said above:

I have a problem with Pete constantly inviting him during all of his free time and not telling me until Ross shows up. Pete won't spend time with me unless we are doing something, but he will sit with Ross and just talk for hours.

Make plans then.... Tell your hubby you need some together time with him, and some privacy in the house sometimes.  That you enjoy Ross too, but feel you can't relax when he is always hanging out at the house, and you want him to have his free time too, but you need a little more alone time with him, so your marriage stays healthy, that you love him.

Don't pull your mother inlaw, into the middle of your marriage problems. I know you are looking for the best answers to this problem and thought she could/would help you.  But it sets the stage for her to meddle, which is bad knews and will only bring more problems even if she doesn't mean too.  She may not be the type to do this, but if she hears you complaining about things, eventually it could change how she see's you.  Becareful of that.  Parents love their children, no matter how old they are...not easy to always see their faults, she is not apt to view it all as you do.

Good Luck

Answer 7

Something tells me Pete and Ross are doing the horizontal Texas Two Step.....

Answer 8

I think your response was appropriate. Your problem IS with Pete, and not Ross. It sounds ike you also took her advice to some degree by talking to Ross. You may not have told him not to come, but by bringing it up to him, you sort of implied it, and while he seemed understanding at the time, when Pete calls he can't resist coming over anyway.

It sounds to me like Pete feels like he needs to take care of Ross. You say Ross is depressed, with a lower IQ, but he's pleasant enough to be around, so maybe Pete looks at Ross as more of a person that needs someone to look out for him. I'm not sure what the solution is. You've already talked to Pete and he agreed to stop, but then he goes right back to it. I suppose your either going to have to accept Ross or find a new husband.

Answer 9

Maybe you should talk to Ross. Explain to him how you feel. Tell him that while you enjoy his company, you're trying to get close with your husband again and need time to be alone with him sometimes. Since your husband won't tell Ross, you try.

Answer 10

You shouldnt have asked your MIL about it in the first place.  You have a problem with your husband, talk to your husband.

Answer 11

I agree with you the problem is not with Ross, and he may not take what is said the right way. Your response to your MIL was right on. There was nothing wrong with what you said. Stay with your feelings about how to handle this problem, not what your MIL thinks you should do.