Are Birthparents Considered an Inconvenience?

Question

To those whose ultimate goal is getting a child?

I was quite surprised that the very people who made it possible for APs to have a child would be looked upon as such 'trouble'. Just how many share the opinion of the gentleman quoted below in his answer to another question:

QUOTE "We have enough trouble with fathers who feel their rights are not respected and we don't need to add in siblings and/or grandparents."

Answer 1

The first time I met my bdaughter as an adult, her amom was with her. She was pretty mad, that we had looked, since she had been told that we could never find them. I think she thinks I'm an inconvience but oh well, the adoption took place in 1972, the era of shame, lies and secrets.

Answer 2

"To those who's ultimate goal is getting a child?" of course everything is an inconvenience.  The ultimate goal isn't "providing a home & family" for a child.  

And it's not surprising given the rest of the guy's statement, "There are also enough adopting parents and potential adopting parents out there who are turned off of the process as it is now."  

Obviously, this a.dad is looking at adoption solely from the POV of the PAP's/AP's.  It's ALL about the adopter's desires and not about the parental RIGHTS of the birth/biological parents. Or the needs of the child. It's only about his needs/wants/desires.

Very sad! And kinda scary...

I wonder if he even realizes how he sounds. As if he's saying, "I want a child and I don't want the interference of anyone who might get in the way of what I want!"

Answer 3

I think it depends on the relationship that is built between the birthfamily and the adoptive family.  We have a very open adoption with our son's birthfamily, both parents and a half sister.  We absolutely love them.  They are good friends to us.  We enjoy our visits with them and last year his birthmom and half sister even came and stayed in our house for a week!  We had a great time!  

To us they were not a means to a baby, they are lifelong friends whom we happened to meet when they gave up their son and we were chosen to raise him.

Answer 4

I am a birthmother and have never felt like an inconvenience.

Answer 5

In some cases its kind of like feelings the new wife has when she marries a man with children and an ex-wife. The new wife doesn't want the ex-wife around her new family. She doesn't want the ex-wife to exist and remind her that she's not the bio-mother and that her new child will always be connected to someone else.  Its insecurity and immaturity and always not fair to the children.

Answer 6

Every situation is different.  For us, I don't know that I would say they are an inconvenience, but they were/are definitely something that we "fear" to some degree.  Only because of the situation our son came from (neglect/abuse, etc.).  However, despite the pain they put their/our son through, I do still consider them very special people for without them, we would not have our son.  

As for the issue with "adding grandparents"....we have been extremely blessed to have a beautiful relationship with our son's biological grandparents.  They are as much a part of his life as my own parents or my in-laws.  My son knows that he lived with them prior to living with us and that we adopted him from them (another long story).  We feel so fortunate to have gained a son and a new addition to our extended family through them.  

But that's just our situation.  : )

Answer 7

Yes, they are considered to be an inconvience. I know that an AP wrote a book on how to promise an "open" adoption and then how to proceed to get the first mom out of the picture. When the woman (who had given this AP, the author, her child she was promised an "open" adoption then it was closed) read the book and realized how she had been used, she committed suicide. I don't know the name of the book. I've never had any reason to want to read it.

If we must have adoption, then we should do as the some other countries do and follow up on the treatment of the child. If the caseworker feels the child is being treated differently or the AP's are not living up to the agreement of adoption, the child is taken away.

Answer 8

Hi Heather,

I don't understand this way of thinking either.  Adoption should be all about the child.  Would the child consider his First Parents an inconvenience?  I think not!

Answer 9

I think to some, first parents are an inconvenience. Those who want to pass a newborn off as their own flesh and blood, keep it from the child that they are adopted, and are otherwise selfish don't and want to have to deal with it all.

These types of adoptive parents are the ones who give all adoptive parents a bad name.

Answer 10

I actually shudder when I hear other adoptive parents speak like this. I assure you, this man DOES NOT speak for me.

I am VERY aware that I would not be a mom if it were not for my daughter's first mom (and dad). No, I do not see them as an inconvenience. What I do see as a frustration is that my child's first parents live in a country where they cannot come out into the open for fear of terrifying repercussions.

The man you quoted is sadly one of those people who cannot see past his own nose. Sad.

Answer 11

Oh my gosh!  Is this how most adoptive parents feel?  That the families of their children are like paper tissues? Blow your nose on them once and then throw them away?

If so, how very sad that adoptive parents have so little respect for the heritage of the poor innocent children that they take from their families.  God, I feel so sorry for a child who has to grow up in this kind of environment.  Talk about being stripped of all human dignity!

ETA - Freckle Face!  Please teach adoption classes that helps these louts to understand child centered adoption.

Answer 12

Of course we are an inconvenience! When people are trying for a baby naturally they don't want the hassles of fertility treatments, donor genetics and sterile settings, they want to hop into bed and make a baby. The other things may be necessary but they are a hassle, an inconvenience. When people are looking to adopt they want the end result as quickly and easily as those hoping to procreate in the bedroom alone. When the thought of adoption first crosses their minds I doubt they are thinking about first families and ongoing contact. They are centred on "their" baby and how to get it. Having to consider the needs of others must be low on the list since up to that point it has been all about the couple and their needs. Ever heard someone say they are doing IVF to make someone else happy, outside of surrogacy of course. Making that shift from being totally self absorbed to having empathy for another must be difficult. I guess that is why so few PAPs and APs fully understand adoption loss, to them it is all gain and getting what they want.

Answer 13

To those whose ultimate goal is getting a child?:  Sure

My ultimate goal is to PARENT a child; huge difference.  Parenting a child means making sacrifices you may not have to make if you have biological children.  My daughter visits with her half sister who lives about 75 or so miles away...this is not an inconvenience, it is part of being a parent and making sure my daughter knows her sister!