Are MP's worth it - A message from your MP (where ever you are)?

Question

Thank you for voting me in.

Fuel is now vitually unaffordable, but this doesn't effect me.

Food costs are rising rapidly, but don't effect me.

Housing values are falling, but this doesn't effect me.

Pensions are nearly wiped out by goverment action, but this doesn't effect me.

My pension is inflation proof, yours isn't.

Travel costs are rising, but this doesn't effect me.

You can't smoke in your pub, but I can.

My pay will rise above inflation this year.

My allowances are tax free and cover virtually anything.

If my allowances are withdrawn, my salary will be increased to cover the loss.

I can decide on the amount of tax you pay.

I have no skills or training.

I only work for half the year.

I earn three times the national average, because I'm worth it.

Why don't you become an MP?

Answer 1

Plus

Since you have voted for me I feel chosen.

This means I don’t feel the need to talk to you again until the next General Election.

As I am chosen it means I am allowed to use all my personal prejudices when I vote on a subject without reference you or anyone else in my constituency.

I have become an instant expert on any subject that may be discussed in Parliament.

If I find that people disagree with the way I voted on an issue I can always say it was a ‘moral issue’ and “that’s what my constituents would have expected me to do as their MP”.

My future employment is assured because now I’m mixing it with the ‘big boys’ I can set up loads of contacts who will ‘see me alright’ in the future (I’m already being offered lots of non-executive directorships because MP looks really impressive on their company paper and importantly, it makes them look important)

I’m instantly a good author and I can get the silliest articles and silliest letters published in all the local and national papers.

I’m also good on radio and television too I can make fatuous statements that go to all corners of the nation!

I get to go to a lot of school fetes - I get fed for free at many functions within my constituency.

I have never felt so important – I like feeling important – it’s important to feel important – God I’m sooo very important! It’s an important issue being important you know.

I may have said things about issues before you voted for me (erm it was called a manifesto I think). You may have voted for me because of those things that I said.

You may even have thought that what I said was a promise.

Because you have chosen me I can actually ignore this – anyway by the time it comes to the next election I will have thought of some other different issues and with any luck my electorate will fall for these as well.

You may criticise me but you will be wrong. You clearly don’t understand. You’ve got to look at the bigger picture.

Most of the time I will just vote to follow the Party line. I don’t want to rock the boat you know. Turkeys don’t vote for Christmas you know (ha ha ha! a little political joke for you).

But the way I feel at the moment it seems that a lot of turkeys voted for me!

If I keep my nose clean I might get a job in the Cabinet or Shadow Cabinet.

That would be great!

Then I can be  a  expert about more things I haven’t got a clue about and get paid more money!

It’s the first time that whole family has been in full employment! I didn’t know how many assistants and researchers I’d have to pay for – and luckily nor did my constituents.

I’m also quite well known for my medical experience – I hold a local surgery once a month you know. I nod sympathetically and take a down a few notes.

My best phrase is “I’d like to help you but of course you have to take into account the local economy/the Opposition/the current Government/the world economy/etc. (There’s a great long list here but I’m not going to give away all my secrets!)

I look deep into their eyes and say I will endeavour to take it to the highest levels.

It’s great!

They think they’ve achieved something and something will happen.

I know they haven’t and that I won’t do anything about it.

It’s great it's a Win/Win situation – that’s politics for you!

Answer 2

All M.Ps should be sacked , what do they actually do , there a none en titty.

Answer 3

MPs are a waste of time, they live on another planet.

For example, my local MP is part of a group who seeks to invite and encourage workers from Eastern Europe to come to this part of Wales to work -

in an area of rampant unemployment, where the locals can't find decent paid work.

Yes bringing even MORE people in will really help won't it?! NOT!  Doesn't take a genius to work that one out.

Most of them are full of it.  They have no idea how life is for the people they represent and whats mote I don't think most of them actually CARE . . . .

Answer 4

Don't forget being allowed to drink whisky while delivering the budget speech and having s*x with your secetary in the lift/office during working hours.  lol

Answer 5

Yes that's all very well for you to say being a mere voter.A peasant such as yourself could never understand the complex running of parliament now just be a good person and vote for me at the next election i will even kiss your ugly baby and breathe the best commons bar whisky on you(cheapest bar in the land)You have all never had it so good or is that we have all never had it so good.

Answer 6

...or an MP's mistress...