Are adoptees the only 'people-gifts'?

Question

Or are there others I am not thinking of? Should we expand the practice of people-gifts and if so how? Slaves might have been people-gifts between good friends, but that is illegal now, so that doesn't count.

If you were to be a people-gift who would you like to be given to? Would you want your recepients to rename you? What if you didn't like the name? Would it bother you if you didn't know the people you were being gifted to?

Answer 1

Huh? People gifts? What a demeaning term!  If you think any part of adoption involves gifting anything then you need to re-examine the process. Its long, hard work and involves a lot of hours of research, waiting and hoping. As far as a gift goes, the part that is a gift is the life that you create together after all the paperwork, background checks and waiting are done.

Answer 2

You need to get couseling - I understand that maybe your life didn't turn out the way you wanted - but not all problems are caused by adoption - deal with that to start.

Secondly life is full of what ifs -

What if your birth mother had kept you maybe she wouldn't be where she is today?

You need to realize that there are always going to be what ifs in life - stop blaming adoption for your problems and realize that life is what you make it...

Let the thumbs down begin!!!!!!!!!!!

PS I am adopted as well but apparently I am still brain washed

Answer 3

I think you're being overly semantic here.  It seems like you're trying to find a way to take offense at something that is meant kindly.  

I always call my son a gift, and he's not adopted.  He was God's gift to me.  It doesn't mean that I own HIM, but what I do own is my relationship to him.  I get to be his mother, I get the love he gives to the person who is raising him, I get his smiles, and his laughter, and his silly songs.  And, yes...  I get his colds and temper tantrums too.  :-)  It's all part of being a parent, and it's wonderful.  

When people call a child (adoptee or not) a gift, what they really mean is that adding in an new member of the family is a gift of all sorts of relationships.  They don't mean that that person is a decoration or a piece of property.  With parents who want to raise children (either because they can't have biological children, or want even more children than they can have biologically, or feel that it's more ecologically sound to adopt) then getting a child from an outside sorce can be considered a gift from that sorce.  

However, what I really want to point out is that adoptees are being GIVEN a gift as well.  Like it or not, the culprit in adoption cases (if there even is one, in most cases there isn't) is your "natural" parents, not your adoptive ones.  Your "natural" parents are the ones that decided to concieve you when they couldn't care for you.  NOT having a kid is pretty easy, the only requirement is NOT having s*x.  There isn't anything complicated about it.  However, your "natural" parents weren't smart about what they did and conceived you.  It is your adoptive parents who decided to be responsible.  If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at the person who abandonned you, not the ones who took you into their hearts and loved you.  

Adoption is a wonderful thing.  The children would be born in any case, and without adoption, many of them would die from neglect, abuse, or poverty.  However, by using adoption, these children are able to be parts of families, and they give other people the "gift" of being able to raise them.  

Adoptees aren't worth any less or any more than any other baby.  They just had the misfortune of being planted in unfortunate wombs.  The gift is when people work together to create loving environments for children to grow up.

Answer 4

Yup, since the abolition of slavery, I reckon we are the only people gifts

It does make me cringe when that term is used in relation to adoptees

I find it particularly offensive when the term is used toward natural parents, many of which did not 'give' a gift

It is also used when we are told we were given the 'gift' of life (the implication being we ought to be grateful we weren't aborted?!)  Doesn't every living being have the 'gift' of life or is it excusive to adoptees?  Must every person walking the earth be 'grateful' for not being aborted, or is it just adoptees who must feel this gratitude.

Answer 5

How could I possibly be a 'gift' or  'chosen'?

My adoptive parents wanted their OWN children.  I was clearly a last resort, hardly a gift.

APs who tell their kids this c**p are deluded.  They must think their kids are naive.

I assure you, any child who loses their family at birth has lost their innocence--they'll smell this load a mile away.

Answer 6

Sounds like you just have issues you need to GET OVER!!!  Everyone has problems, we all just have to learn how to deal with them!  My parents think I was a "gift" and I was born to them.  Maybe you should get counseling rather than making such a big deal about yourself on Y!A.

Answer 7

I was going to ask this very same question!

You know, this is another thing my adoptive parents did absolutely right.  They made it very clear that my sibling and I (also adopted) were not gifts.

Ironically enough, my older sibling was placed with our parents on my adoptive father's birthday.  People actually called my brother a birthday present and my parents were always very firm in correcting them.  My sibling was not a gift.  He was a person. A human being.

Puppy's can be gifts.  Cats can be gifts.  Heck, even a monkey can be given as a gift.

Adoptees are not gifts and we are not commodities.  We are human beings with feelings and thoughts who deserve to be treated accordingly.

Answer 8

There are still plenty of arranged marriages.  This fits, even down to the renaming.

I agree with Phil.  This question is the natural outgrowth of the language often used by adoptive parents.  Moreover, I found it indecent that so many people automatically question the asker's mental stability for pointing out something uncomfortable.

Answer 9

i think the poster is attempting to show her discontent with the term "gift" used in reference to a child being relinquished in adoption.  honestly, i think the whole gift thing is a bit morbid, since in order for paps to receive this "gift" someone else must endure loss...  can't quite think of any other gift with those stipulations.

personally, i think the whole gift thing just feeds into the propaganda that adoption is always a wonderful thing...

Answer 10

I think a lot of people miss the point of this question, I think adoptees are given than label because they are "chosen".

As an adoptee I HATE that label, it makes me feel like an object, picked off the shelf and paid for and expected to perform without fault so that I would be worth the money.

And to that person above, adoptees don't blame their life problems all on adoption, you are very ignorent. Adoptees know there are norma everyday problems that you encounter when you live life, but if you have ever gone through a trauma of some kind (abuse, war, car/plane accident, orphaned or adopted (which is like losing two parents) then you will understand.

Being adopted is all about personal identity, and if your only identity is being picked out of a group of children or "chosen" or a "gift", then that doesnt really give you a positive view of yourself.

Answer 11

This does put one of the issues of adoption into sharp relief, doesn't it?  Why is sick to talk about gifting people, but it's not sick to talk about the first mother giving a gift to the adoptive parents?  That language is still prominent (even on this site).  So what exactly is wrong with the question?

Thanks for putting some of this in perspective, Joy.

Answer 12

what is wrong with you?

Answer 13

For those of you saying it's just a word....Words hurt.  We all know that.  We also all know that we never have the right to tell someone something "shouldn't hurt" them because it "wasn't intended" to hurt.  I can think of half a dozen words none of us would DARE use to anyone because they are so hurtful.  Many of these words were "not intended to hurt" by those who used to think it was fine to use such words.  

Why can't it be taken into account that "gift" and "chosen" are hurtful words for many adoptees?  I thnk that's all the OP wanted to draw attention to, and I think she chose a clever way of doing it.

Answer 14

Hi Joy,

Good original post there.  No, I cannot think of any other humans blessed enough to be referred to as gifts, other than slaves, and yes, there are parallels between adoption & slavery. (See link below.)

The official dictionary definition of a gift is something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.  Adoption is rarely voluntarily & it’s always with compensation.  As an adoptee, I personally find it offensive to be referred to as a “gift” because gifts should also be things without feelings, not living beings, with the exception of pets, which can be given as gifts.  (Who wants to feel like a pet?)  Since adoptees are basically paid for, “purchases from adoption agencies” or “purchases from the government,” or “commodities” might be more accurately honest terms, although no less distasteful.  Even if the children were obtained free of charge, the term “gift” is no more appealing from the adoptee’s eyes.  Perhaps it gets overlooked due to all the focus being centered on the happiness the adopters are experiencing, combined with the adoptee’s inability to express what they are experiencing at the time.  What also baffles me is why they continue to call them gifts even after learning of how it makes adoptees feel.

Whenever questions are posed such as if adoption is such a loving option, would you choose adoption for one of your own children, or would you wish that you yourself would have been adopted, nobody ever wishes that upon themselves, yet it’s always a loving option for other people, a “gift” regardless of how the person being objectified feels about it.

I also wonder if an adoptee is considered a “gift” only as long as they are the good adoptee?  Calling them a gift sets up expectations for behavior and lines of thinking on the part of the adoptee.  For instance, would an ungrateful adoptee still be considered a “gift?” As far as saying the adoptee is equally gifted by having new parents with more money, the adoptee did not ask to be put into that situation and they are unable to undo any of it.  Even a gift in real life can be returned if the recipient is unsatisfied!

The questions in your second paragraph there might make non-adoptees think twice about how it would feel to be in an adoptee’s shoes rather than on the receiving end of the “gift.”  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee  

For further reading, see “Adoption…The Last Slavery” by H. Kent Craig http://hkentcraig.com/AdoptionComm.html

Child Trafficking, Slavery and Domestic Infant Adoption

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Answer 15

Where I am from people quiet often refer to someone's children as "precious gifts" or "blessings," mostly as young children -- adopted or not doesn't appear to make a difference either.

Answer 16

i am confused at what you think of adoption.  in all of my questions i had you have said not to put my child up for adoption and that you hate being adopted. every question/answer you've had is with adoption.  then you go and talk about people who are being so nice doing this for their children. are you confused about adoption or do you have huge ups and downs?  i never understand where you are coming from.  please email me an answer or just post it on this question, i am totally confused by you.

Answer 17

Being adopted I think that being refered to as a people gift makes me feel like an object rather than a human being!!!.

I have a name and gifts have a value, last time I looked I didn't have a price tag hanging off my sleve

Answer 18

I don't think you have it quite right here. I think people want to praise the birth mother for giving her child a chance at life when she can't parent them. I thank God every day for the gift of Motherhood- the same as I would if I had the Ovarian-Ability to have a biological child. Comparing Adoption to slavery is just wrong. I am not saying Adoption is always the perfect answer...but there are children out there who don't have parents... or have parents whose best choice is to place them for Adoption. For those children, there are also people like me, born to be a mother and ready to accept them as my own while encouraging them to explore their roots.

I am so sorry you did not get to experience your Birth Mother as the person to raise you. That must have hurt! I am so sorry your Birth Mother has been hurting because of her choice. But please don't knock the parents (like myself) who have chosen to love a child and be good parents to that child.

I never knew, there was such negativity about how some people viewed adoption. I'm sure your comments come from a first hand experience, and that there is some wisdom to your comments in your life. Please remember there are a lot of people who are given a chance in life they wouldn't have had. Orphanages, Death and Poverty are not better than Stand-in Parents willing to love with their whole hearts!

If my children's Birth Mom's couldn't give them a loving home... no one else could have given them a more loving one than what I have given them and I hope they will not have the same views you have when they are old enough to express the sadness they have over the loss of a birthmother, I hope you find love and peace in your life.

Answer 19

Everyone's a gift!  :)

All of the most important people in my life were "given" to me by the person who introduced me to them - and each of them was given the gift of me!

Answer 20

I am an adoptive mom, and I must say I was offended with the idea of a "people gift", too.  My daughter was not and is not a "gift".  She is a very  special individual I am glad is a part of my life.  I feel honored to be able to raise her and to learn from her as well.  The same is true of the son to whom I gave birth.

Answer 21

What is a people gift?