Are adoptive parents expected to "Live a lie"?

Question

I answer question asing about aparents feelings and emotions or history. I have been to groups with other aparents and it seems to me that they are expected to do a lot of pretending.

How important is it for Aparents to be honest, Not just to other aparents (who secretly may feel the same) but also to themselves, too. I have answered Q's giving the 100% truth, 1 was about how something made me feel. I was honest, but never claimed that my emotions were rational, but just that that's what I felt at the time and I was called out and called stupid by another answerer.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmYkXYREyyC7PN0NYu.Q6xzty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080217082755AABjUNK&show=7#profile-info-U5Q3uDoMaa

I could have give a text book answer like so many do. I want to be honest. I think people need to the truth, even if it makes me look "Stupid".

Are AP's expected to live a lie, pretend to be prefect.

Why not Be honest, open and willing to acknowledge their flaws and low times?

Answer 1

They do have to pretend there, there kids mom and dad for while. But sooner or later there going to have to tell them that your not the real parent. Or: They don't have to be perfect, no parent is perfect.

Answer 2

I agree that being a family member of adoption really sets a person up for living a lie.  People often tell adoptees, AP's and first parents how they SHOULD and SHOULDN'T feel.  Members of these three groups often feel they need to be the "perfect" AP, adoptee or first parent -- always happy with their decision or grateful or a superb parent.  It does make it hard to just be honest about feelings, rational or not.  I'm pretty sure that people who call other people's feelings "stupid" have had their fair share of irrational thoughts, too.

I think it's very important for everyone to be honest.  It's important to break the myths, be real and allow others to do the same.

Answer 3

Everyone of us in this gong show lives the lie. It is stupid and it sucks. I think sometimes people feel like they have to put on a show, not only about adoption either. I won't. I have lived this lie for 30 years and just like any lie the more time passes the bigger the lie gets.

Be yourself, ask for support when you need it, don't hide in the shadows out of fear. I love that you push your own boundaries, and everyone else's. How can we learn from each other if we are busy trying to be the perfect parent or adoptee?

As far as the ignorant comments that are hurled around here... if anyone thinks it is only their side getting them they need to wake up. I've been called every name in the book as far as being an adoptee and an nmom goes, the c**p is flung all ways in here.

Answer 4

Well, at least they go into the adoption arrangement as open-eyed, well -researched adults, right?

Bwwaahhahahahahaha!

Answer 5

The one thing that stands out in my head is recently my mother in law blatantly lied to my face about where she was taking my daughter.  I reacted strongly.  Why?  Because I feel an enormous sense of pressure to get this parenting thing right and if I don't know where Em is orI am being lied to about it, then I am not getting it right.

I will add, there are plenty of issues that put the pressure on non-adoption  issues.  People that don'thave  kids who judge what is right/wrong for yours, that kind of thing.

Answer 6

I didn't see anything "wrong" with your answer. I thought it sounded sincere and honest. It makes sense. When I have my son's friends over, I worry about them more than I do my son  because they don't belong to me, and I don't want to do anything that would upset the parents. I don't worry about my son because I don't answer to anyone and I know I'm doing a good job.

Be true to yourself.

You sound like a good mom, and from what you said, you did everything right and then some.

Answer 7

I am adopted and i have a very strong opinon on this subject. I dont think that they HAVE to keep the lie, i wouldnt even call it a lie. Because the past is behind them and it is their choice to tell them what they either need to knoe or even want to know.

Answer 8

I think we should all be honest.  But when you respond honestly with feelings that are not comfortable with others on this site, they attack and offer snarky remarks.  It is sad.  Many good people have left.  The only truly honest answers welcome here are those of disgruntled adoptees. Were I an adoptive parent I would be really afraid to be open on this site.  I showed my mother some answers here directed towards AMOMS and she was completely blown away and said "wow, I didn't know people were still so in the dark about what it is like to adopt."

Answer 9

I didn't see anywhere where you were directly called stupid. It appeared to me that the aparent was saying that worrying about being a bad mom because your child gets sick is stupid. Maybe stupid is a strong word, but I tend to agree that as AP's we can't get down on ourselves everytime our adoptive child does things just like regular children do. I don't think that is living a lie, I think that is setting yourself and your family up for success.

Answer 10

I suspect they are.  I think all members of the "triad" are expected to live a lie.  Adoptive parents are one more victim in society's overly simplistic view of adoption.  First parents are told to move on, and pretend they never had the child.  Adoptees are told that they should be grateful, that they have been chosen.  Adoptive parents are told that having an adopted child is exactly the same as having your own.  None of these are true.  Each person involved with adoption does the best they know how, and sometimes that's good enough.  And sometimes it isn't.  But we do damage to ourselves when we cannot admit the truth of the situation.  But society doesn't want to know the truth about adoption.  It upsets the apple-cart.  Keep speaking your truth.  Ignore everyone else.

Answer 11

no, they choose to live the lie

Answer 12

Sadly, here in Y!A, no matter what APs say or do, there are certain people here who are only determined to stir the pot.  I have watched two people give exactly the same answer and one be criticized and the other not.  In fact, people have actually emailed me to question those types of things too, so others notice it.  

I decided early on in our adoption journey that I would NOT live a lie for myself or my son.  I may upset people with the way I feel or what I say here in Y!A, but the reality is that as long as our family and our son's bio family are okay with things, no one else really matters.  : )