Are birth parents selfish with adoption?

Question

I herd some self centerd person (who is adopted), talking about topics on adoption and this is what i herd. "Adoptees dont have to thank anyone for being adopted, but adoptive parents should be gratefull and thankfull that they can have an adopted kid. Its not our fault that they cant concieve"

Erm shocking much? Anyone agree? Anyone doesnt agree?

I think that was awful. More stick to adoptive parents again. Its becomeing a broken record.

Let people be happy and have a family!! whats so imoral about that?

Answer 1

I guess that statement could have been phrased differently, but other than that I agree with it.  As an adoptee I am exactly as grateful to my parents as a natural kid is--no less, and certainly no more.  They raised me with love, which was their job as parents.  They did not save me from a house fire or a war zone--they got me through a state agency.

Adoptive parents are raising someone else's flesh and blood.  They can't have their own child, and yet someone else's sacrifice has allowed them to be parents anyway in defiance of what nature has decreed.  Why wouldn't they consider themselves fortunate to have that honor?  It's what my adoptive parents always told me, after all:  WE are lucky to have YOU in our family.

I am not saying I am all that and a bag of chips, or that natural kids are inferior to me, or that adoptive parents are horrible poeple if they don't grovel to their kids, or that natural parents aren't thrilled to have their own children.  I'm just recognizing reality.

Answer 2

I think that adoptees and adoptive parents should both be grateful.  I also believe that the natural parents of the adoptee should be "incredibly" grateful for the knowledge that their baby will be loved and cared for. As a parent who has given up her child (almost 28 years ago) I am incrediblyl grateful for knowing that the child was adopted to a wonderful family.  I would love more than anything to make contact with my boy (as since I have another boy of 14 and now,....well.....get it entirely....had no idea what I'd given up until I'd experienced it!!)..   Granted, I'd never have changed things. When my first son (Derek (I called him) was born, I was only 17 yrs old.  Not by any means old enough to be a mother.  I would love to see him....to the extreme that I can tell, however, I feel that since I gave him up.....I don't have the right to interfere with his life....I will love him though.....forever.....and more.

D

Answer 3

Your question made my brain hurt.

Why would an adoptee have to feel grateful? I think Isabel nailed that one.

Why should adoptive parents feel grateful? Uh yeah Isabel got that one on the head too.

As for natural parents being selfish well sure, selfish and selfless at the same time. You think your life will pick up right where it was before the pregnancy, kinda sounds like a sweet a$$ deal to me. You think you are doing what is best for your child. Who wouldn't want that? Some lovely couple gets a baby of their "very own". Sounds blissful.  Win win win... everyone gets what they want and need.

Geez, I sure wish that was how it worked. It isn't!

Answer 4

I totally agree with YOU!!!!!! I mean adopted kids depended on how they are raised and told about their adoption then they can turn out like that.  They don't realize how lucky they are I mean most of the times for the adopted parents they can only afford one or two due to the cost of infertility treatments and cost of the adopt.  I mean over all adoption is a good thing!  The birth parents aren't ready one way or another to raise the child the child is raise in a loving home were they are wanted, so in theory its a very good thing!  The prob is that most people can't see how they would be able to give a child up, and some people don't see how they can raise a child that isn't theirs.  But as ALL adopted parents and most parents period know blood doesn't make the child yours, the bonding of your hearts do!!!!  I think the child might have been just taking out some frustrations (hopefully)  but a child is a great thing no matter adopted or not!

Answer 5

Many people who give their kids up for adoption didn't plan it to get pregnant. And its better than killing an innocent child. Its probably not easy for them to give their kids up. Most can't support a child at the time. Or somethings are just going on that they can't take a child. People who are poor and can barely support themselfs can definalty not support a child. Its just things that are meant to happen.

Answer 6

"Are birthparents selfish in adoption" - Not according the the adoption industry propoganda who tout it as a SELFLESS and LOVING act *snort*

I think if anyone should be 'grateful' it's the adoptive parents - They wanted a child, they got a child.    Yet it is the adoptee who had no choice or control in the matter who is expected to be grateful.

I know my parents were grateful they got me.  They wanted a girl and they got one.

What I find shocking is when people tell adoptees that they should be more grateful to their parents than any other non-adopted kid, simply because of their adoptive status which they had no control over whatsoever!

Answer 7

I agree. The anti-adoption trolls have been a broken record for way too long. Same questions, same answers, same trolls, same thumbs down, same old s***, day in and day out. I wish the rest of us could have our own q & a's and they'd butt out.

Isn't it ironic that the pot stirrers claim "confusion" when someone outside of their troll clique asks a question?

Answer 8

I, once again, am confused by your question in relation to someone's quote. I can't speak for all firstmoms but mine is not a selfish person.  She's really nice. She is the opposite of selfish.  In fact, she's one of the most giving people I have ever met, almost to a flaw.  

As far as the quote, which I don't think is from me (although it could be), I'm not sure what the problem is on that either.

My aparents waited on a list for me for almost two years.  And yes, they were very appreciative to have me in their life.  And they should be.  I'm fabulous.  Why is that shocking?

My aparents did it right.  My brother and I were never considered gifts or objects or commodities.  We were never made to feel indebted.  No one ever threatened us with orphanages or abortion because our adoptive parents knew it wasn't true.  If we had not gone to their home, we would have gone to someone else on the list.  Simple as that.  They didn't chose us.  They were chosen for us.  And they knew it.

I feel sorry for any child who feels they owe their parents for the life they have.  My children are a joy to me and they owe me nothing for the happiness they have brought me.  I would never dream of raising them to think they somehow would have ended up in an orphanage or been aborted adopted or not.  I feel sorry for any person whose parents make them feel this way.

Answer 9

How sad once again someone assuming that all couples who adopt are infertile and cant have biochildren. Sure its not an adoptees fault that their adoptive parents cant conceive if that is the situation . One could also say that it is not the adoptive parents fault that the birthparents choice adoption.

Answer 10

i agree with you. that is so not right.

Answer 11

I don't think that bioparents are selfish in their choices, it is a choice and they must do what is best for the child themselves.  I think ALL people should be grateful for children, whether adopted or conceived.  Children are  gift and we all should be grateful for the opportunity to parent.

Answer 12

How old was the adopted person you overheard?  I know my opinions about adoption have matured as I have.  No one person can speak for all of us.

Answer 13

Those are closed minded people. They are people with issues about their own circumstances and must be taken with a grain of salt. No one involved in this OWES anything to anyone.. In MY opinion  everyone involved should be glad that there was a solution other than an orphanage or the like. eg. bio glad someone was able to give their child a home and family which they were unable to do, child glad that they were given the chance to have a family and not just cast aside by all others, the adoptive parents glad because they are able to give a child a home and become a family. But no one involved owes anything to the other. Society on a whole should be thankful that there is an alternative to what could be an even worse situation for the child. I personally am thankful that my mom and dad had it in their hearts to take in an unwanted abused child and make me an addition to their family.

Answer 14

I'm SO thankful my parent adopted me when i was a baby,,,,

because if i stayed with my birth mum i would hate to know were i would me now......

Answer 15

Actually, I have to agree with that person.  An adopted child, unless adopted as a teenager, generally won't have any say in the process.  Why should that child feel "grateful"?  As a future adoptive mom, I expect to be dealing with angry outbursts of "you're not my REAL mom!", and I expect to be the adult and deal with those comments in an appropriate manner.  After all...it's true.  I'm the one who wanted this family, and this child was thrown into my family with no say in the matter.  It's my job to find a way to have a happy family, despite all the massive grief issues that each family member is experiencing.  I take that job very seriously, and I certainly hope I do it well!

Answer 16

From what i've seen here, there aren't really first parents making claims about adoptiove parentes. I have seen most of them talk greatly of them and not so greatly about the agency and how the run. Rightfuly so.

Answer 17

I'm confused about what you are asking.  The topic question is completely different than the question being posed in the details.

"Are birth parents selfish with adoption?"

To this I say "WOOT!!!" about time for a birthmother smackdown again.  Of course birthmothers can be perceived as selfish.  How else do you think they talk us into relinquishing our children?  Promises of being able to move on with our life with our original plans, not being mucked down by a baby we weren't prepared for.  Epitomy of selfish behavior, and despite adoption also being touted as one of the most selfless giving things I could do, a lot of my grief work has dealt with resolving the selfless versus selfish act of relinquishment.

"I herd some self centerd person (who is adopted), talking about topics on adoption and this is what i herd. "Adoptees dont have to thank anyone for being adopted, but adoptive parents should be gratefull and thankfull that they can have an adopted kid. Its not our fault that they cant concieve""

=oP  I don't want to be thanked, not by my son nor by his parents.  I didn't give a gift of a human being.  Really, isn't this whole be thankful for adoption getting to be a bit much?

Now if they want to be thankful for the opportunity to parent, then fine.  I can understand considering that a blessing, but considering if people step out of their comfort zone and go to parent the kids that really need homes, they probably would still be able to parent.

Answer 18

Why is a child who is adopted supposed to be grateful or thankful in any way that would not be expected of a non-adopted child?  In both cases, the parents wanted children and got children, whether it was via adoption or the "old-fashioned" way. Most people I know who want children are themselves the grateful and thankful ones when they finally have them, no matter if they are born to them or adopted by them.

Some people say that if they hadn't have been adopted they'd have been raised by their ill-prepared and possibly otherwise troubled natural parents.  This isn't the case since the natural parents have already relinquished their parental rights and responsibilities.  They are no longer the child's legal parents.

If my parents hadn't have adopted me, I would have been adopted into some other family.  There were plenty of other families who wanted to adopt a child.  

I always wanted children.  I would have been grateful and thankful to have my children in my life.  They wouldn't owe me one iota of gratitude or thanks for simply doing my job -- being the best mother I could be for them -- because of my love for them.  I'd be the grateful one.

As far as what appears to be the other part of the question about birthparents being selfish, I don't know my natural mom.  She passed away before we could reunite.  But, my natural dad is a caring, giving man who I know loves me very much.  He's a joy in my life.

Answer 19

I agree with you I think those people were A**holes.

If people cannot have children I think adopting is great.

Answer 20

re: the quote - i see nothing wrong with it, seems to be a very true statement. My aparents were appreciative they were allowed to raise me since they couldn't concieve and that certainly wasn't any one's fault - least of all my parents.

re: your question and the entire tone of your post, I don't know what your motive is other that attempting to stir the pot and fan feelings of resentment. I thought people like you were complaining this place is too divisive, yet you seem to be adding to it.