Are kids really better in abusive familes rather than adopted ones?

Question

I just read this response in a post and am horrified. I would like to look at this issue and not dismiss it.

I work in an NICU and see babies hooked up to monitors. born at 18weeks due to their mother's mental illness, or drug and alcohol abuse. Is it really better for these children to "wait" while we hope these mothers get their acts together if ever? And have you considered what the "wait" might do to the child who is living in a horrible situation? I would suggest the issues of "waiting" while living in a bad situation can be more damaging than the effects of adoption.

I believe those of you who discount stories of abuse and addiction in your fight to end adoption are being naive to the reality of the horrible conditions many children find themselves in.

Answer 1

First, correct your question.  No fetus born at 18 weeks is going to live.

Next, you assume that only the mother is involved. There are fathers and family members as well.  These decisions have to be made on a case by case basis, but I do agree that some limits should occur.  It is wrong to assume that a mother who was taking drugs or has a mental illness is going to abuse her child.  However, she maybe needs more checks and balances.

I am not antiadoption, yet there are many abuses in child services.  Children that are taken and adopted out without even a hearing for the mother.  How fair is that? Where are the checks and balances?

Answer 2

Why would anyone want to end adoption? Some people have children who shouldn't or can't take care of them. I think adoption is a good thing, better than an abusive home.

Answer 3

Who said abusive homes are better than adoption?  I doubt anyone has said that.  Please link the response you read because I'm having a hard time believing anyone would prefer a child stay in an abusive situation.

And sorry but I don't understand what mental illness has to do with drugs and alcohol and premature birth...?  Mental illness is a medical condition, just like diabetes or MS, it's not a lifestyle choice.

Answer 4

I think if the mother had cared for her baby at all she would have started getting help for her addictions as soon as she found out she was pregnant.  How hard must it be for someone to look at their "mother" and realize that they are the way they are because she made them this way? That she loved her drugs and booze more then she loved her baby.

I have read news stories of babies who were born drunk or high IMO in these type of situation baby’s like this should never ever ever be returned to their birthmother, she already proved she didn’t give a dam about the baby.

Answer 5

i agree

ive been the child and the not abusive, but irresponsible mother, but iv turned my life around for the better, still dont have my child back, but i know she is safe and happy, altho i feel guilty at times, ive accepted my past, and im pleased i went through what i did, as i think it has made me a wiser, and better person, although im only 25,

Answer 6

I'm not sure what mental illness has to do with a child being born premature.  My grandmother has bi-polar that was diagnosed late in life and had 9 successful pregnancies and births.

I do agree any situation that puts a child in danger needs to be addressed ASAP, not take a wait and see attitude and this goes for adoptive, foster and biological families.

Children being killed, abused and/or permantly disabled because of their parents is all to prevalent in the media, especially locally.  A safe place should be found for these children ASAP until such time as their parents are fit to raise them or permanent families found for them, with the emphasis on getting the parents help first.

ETA: I think the real red herring here is the "well abuse happens in adoptive families too"

Answer 7

Well said and I agree.  The reality is few of these people who speak out against adoption are in the trenches every day like YOU seeing the REALITY of birth mothers who do not want their child or cannot care for their child.  It's a horrible situation for everyone involved.  It's hard for people to admit but there ARE birth mothers who are simply not capable of being a good mother.  No one wants to talk about those kinds of mothers but they exist.  They just want to talk about the poor, pitiful birth mother who had her arm twisted into signing her baby over.  The fact is any MORON can make a baby....but it takes a truly strong, loving person to be a REAL parent.  Adoptive parents seem to get the shaft around here alot but here's the fact:  they didn't HAVE to sign up to adopt.  They didn't have to pay thousands of dollars to adopt, sometimes mortgaging their home, going into debt, etc.  They didn't have to go through the emotional upheaval of "will she decide to keep the baby after we've bonded with him?".....but they do it because they CHOOSE to be parents.  Somehow, personally, I'd rather be with a mother who CHOSE to be my mother rather than she just laid on her back & ooops, there I was.  

Before everyone gives me grief, I'd like to say, I don't think ALL birth mothers are incapable of being good mothers or are crack whores.  There are SOME birth mothers who can get their lives together & eventually make wonderful mothers.  There are birth mothers who might have made good mothers had their culture or religion not pressured them to give up the child.  Yes, there are always shades of gray.  I'm just saying, it takes a strong person to choose to be a parent.  Some on here act like the very act of giving birth will somehow make you a good mother....well it doesn't.

Answer 8

OF COURSE children are better off in adoptive families than in an abusive situation. If the mom can't get it together, the baby should go to a loving family who can care for him or her.

The level of neglect (not to mention abuse) that children experience in a family where one or both parents is an addict or is seriously mentally ill is horrific. Sure, some people are functional addicts. That's not the best scenario, but it is sometimes tolerable. However, if Mom can't take care of her child due to her addiction, the kids deserve a better chance. If Mom is mentally ill, but is properly medicated, that's OK. Unfortuantely, many people with serious mental illness find the side effects of the medication to be so bad (and they really are horrible) that they go off meds as soon as they are not supervised.

Answer 9

no

Answer 10

Um, where do you get this stuff from? I fail to see anyone who is pro-reform of saying that a kid is better off in an abusive home than in an adopted one.

You and anyone else on here think that pro-reform means anti-adoption. That is far from the case!! How can someone be pro something and then anti something?

I think really only one person has ever said something really negative about adoption. I mean that person's post actually said it was better to abort than to adopt.--i would agree with u on this statement is very anti-adoption.

But a final F.Y.I.----BEING PRO-REFORM DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ANTI-ADOPTION!!!!!

Answer 11

Of course not.  And I've never seen anyone in the category say that ‘abusive families are better than adoptive one(s)'.

That said, your question doesn't really jibe with your additional information.  I would argue that any infant that premature should not be kept alive by machines anyway.  There is no way a child born at 18 weeks has any shot at being anywhere near normal, no matter what kind of mother he has...

I am certainly not 'discounting' stories of 'abuse and addiction'.  On the contrary, ADOPTIVE homes have been proven to have higher rates of abuse than intact, biological families.

So, you're proposing that these infants be released for adoption to whom--willing, waiting adopters?  I might be way off base here, but I was under the impression that a baby like this would be extremely hard to place.  The babies everyone lusts after are of the healthy, white variety—at a current rate of  1 per 90 couples.

Answer 12

Yes they are better off in an adoptive family.  The law gives birth parents ample time to get their act together in most states.

Answer 13

I don't know anyone who would agree that kids would be better off in abusive families - that's just nonsense

By the same token, not all kids who are adopted come from abusive homes and sometimes (hopefully rarely) end up in an abusive adoptive home.

Answer 14

It is never ok for a child to be left with abusive or unfit parents.  I don't really think anyone would out right say that. Would like to read that response. Most in this forum are well aware that abuse and drug addiction exist, and would never condone a child being left in that situation.

Answer 15

an 18 week old fetus is usually incompatible with life....

i have yet to read anyone on here support leaving children in abusive situations.  what i have read are people who are critical of newborn adoption from healthy, non-drug addicted, unmarried, and/or poor young  women for profit.

another red herring...

Answer 16

NOBODY anti-adoption or pro-adoption reform WOULD EVER ADVOCATE THAT CHILDREN IN AN ABUSIVE HOME SHOULD STAY WITH THEIR ABUSERS.

Has anyone here ever heard of LEGAL GUARDIANSHIP? So the childs records remain INTACT, their NAME remains INTACT, people don't come in and force themselves as parents upon the child, their history is HONORED, past is HONORED, and caretakers ( who the child may very well CHOOSE to call mom and dad ) don't attempt at illiminating their natural parents. Its not about fullfilling the needs of the parents, its about honoring the REAL needs of the CHILD.

NOBODY would advocate for a child to EVER be left in an abusive home. THATS RIDICULOUS.

what is wrong with this world that people can only see such black and white, adoption, or DEATH, as if there are no other healthy alternatives.

Answer 17

I would rather be adopted by a loving family, than live with an abusive family.  I know and left home as soon as I could.  It still bothers me, but I have made a great life for myself just the same.

Answer 18

You have described my situation exactly.  Both our sons were born addicted to drugs.  Our older boy was clearly neglected, and possibly abused, by his biological family.  Our younger spent months in the NICU and special care overcoming the drugs.  And, I know of many of similar cases, most much worse.

I am stunned anytime anyone says they are anti-adoption or  implies adoption is somehow not a good thing.  Sure, there are abuses and it is an imperfect system, but I think that the majority of cases result in a better life for the child.

Answer 19

two of my friends are adopted and they are so happy. adoption is fine, much better than being in a bad family situation.