Are most people who are looking to adopt and mean and greedy and a lot of people say they are?

Question

Why are people so mean to them on here. This is the only place I've noticed it.

How am I going to know what the motives of the parents who I will meet. They can't all be bad people who just want my baby. Can they?

Answer 1

You can't believe everything you read on here.  Everyone has their own experiences that seriously BIAS their opinion and therefore, should be taken with a grain of salt.  Couples who want to adopt are USUALLY those who genuinly want to love and care for a child.  If they didn't, why would they go through the incredible hassle it is to adopt?  Adoption is NOT an easy peasy process.  It's emotionally, financially, and physically taxing.  These couples have more than shown they are responsible, stable, and emotionally ready to have a child.  I'm sure that's not the case with ALL couples but obviously every agency wants everyone involved to be satisfied or they'd be out of business.  It makes no sense for an agency to place a child with a couple they know are not fit to care for a child.  In the end, YOU will have the last say so if you get a bad feeling about a couple when you meet them, then just say no!  Or if you're feeling hesitant to give your child up for adoption, then by all means, take all the time you need to be certain you're making the best decision for you & the child.

Answer 2

Mean? No. Greedy? Yes.

And don't forget, Pookie. APs wanted their own children 99% of the time. An adopted child is often brought in after trying naturally, maybe fertility drugs, and possibly IVF.

Sunny that is not true and misleading.

I know that I am not the only hopful adoptive parent on here who is still fertile and young enough to carry 10 more children if I wished.

  There is a while world of people who want to adopt NOT as a last resort but because they desire another child and would rather help a child already here than have another. Why would you say such an untrue misleading statment to someone needing help.

As for the people being mean here...thats just YA. I recomment getting out before you regret it.

Try Cafemom, join up and create your website. Then look for group adoption beauty marked. I know that there are a lot of adult adoptees, and Ap and birthmoms. I know for a fact we have at least 2 adoptive parents whose children's birthmom's are a part of the group as well. They help those who are new to work out ways to have a suceessfull open adoption. It is better than this place.

  No, not all of us have bad motives who are looking to steal a baby. My motives are not bad. I am 29 and still fertile who wants another child. I am an American living in Romania working with abandoned children. I have a foundation that is working towards keeping families together here through education and other means, the amount of children abandoned is staggering. With that said I saw what lived these children were living and knew that I could not give birth to another child while one of these were starving. So that is how we came to the decision to adopt. As I stated before I would get out of YA and avoid these ant-adoption sites they are cruel and they take the worst cases and portray them as common. You can get the same information from other sites that are more truthful in presenting it. Good Luck

Answer 3

hi pookie...

it does appear that people are "overly mean" on here, doesn't it?  but i'd like to add some context to the meaness.

first, this is not the only forum where adoption is debated.  there are many who have lost children to adoption, who were adopted or like me, experienced coercion from the adoption agency. these people wish to provide balance to the discourse that always says, "adoption is always so wonderful."

in contrast, there are those who are adoptive parents, support adoption,  wish to adopt , or are birthmothers with good experiences with adoption.  many of these people see adoption as something good and noble.

the issue, is that when you have two opposing viewpoints (both valid) you will have a fault-line. it is within this fault-line that you see the "meaness" argument made.  it is also in this fault-line where people are called, "anti-adoption trolls", "n***s" and write nasty things about birthmothers.

in addition, what you see as "mean" is really people speaking out against the "practice" of adoption; not the people who are adopting or adopted. in other words, adoptio is an industry where people charge lots of money for babies.  people have a problem with that, because it seems more about giving babies to couples who can afford them and not finding home for children who need them. there are millions of foster children, yet most want newborn infants.

the reality, pookie is that this is the crossroads where many of the voices can be heard. including those who for decades have been silenced.  you seem young, so you might not be aware of how adoption was done in the past.  the idea of open-adoption was unheard of. women who were pregnant were sent away and had no choice whether or not to keep their babies.

what you see as people being mean, is actually akin to a sparring match between two opponents.  

now, does it get heated? yes.  do people make harsh comment? yes. is it necessarily fair? not always.  

what i find this forum provides, hence the reason why i stay, is an opportunity for all voices to be heard: the good, bad and the ugly.

regarding the motives of the people you choose to parent your child: no one, including you, can predict how they will react.  why?  not because they are mean; yet because they are human.  and one thing for sure that can't be predicted accurately, is human behavior.  

all i suggest is to stick around for a while.  some of what you read will enlighten you.  some will anger you. some will make you want to cry.

there are some amazing adoptive parents on here who i admire dearly and would invite to my home and break bread with.  and there are some who i wouldn't relinquish a hampster to.  there are some f/b/nmoms who are fine with their choice to relinquish, and their are some who deeply regret it.  there are some adoptees who are happy with their adoption, and there are some who have profound loss.

if you are considering a decision as major as adoption, i strongly advise you to read as much as you can....

and realize, when someone tells that something is all "good" or all "bad" that's an indication that you're only getting part of the story.

tish

Answer 4

NO there are wonderful people that want to adopt but there are bad ones to. But there are good parents and bad parents so adoption doesn't matter. Look if you go under Mormon's the you will never hear from your child again and alot of them will tell you even in court (i can never have children of my own and then after your son has been fighting to get his son back after they stole him) She pregnant This church preaches to adopt fisrt have your qwn latter. Just think of the members they will have latter. I saw a show Against the law this weekend where in Idaho a mother and father adopted a little boy and she killed him by shaking himthe church and everyone was behind her but the da and the doctor. She seemed like the perfect mother.

Answer 5

According to the anti-adoption trolls in here yes. In reality, anywhere else, the answer remains no. They wouldn't have anything else to do if they weren't mean to the rest of us in here, who know better. They are very bitter and blame all of their problems on everyone but themselves. They've never had to accept responsibility for their actions. Don't let these trolls intimidate and threaten you. They are sadistic cowards hiding behind their computers and they enjoy doing this.

You'll find the best answers to your question in here will be those with the most thumbs down from these trolls who are so "mean".

You'll know the adoptive parents motives and 99% of those people want what's best for children and are very loving people.

Answer 6

I think that occurs more with foster parents.  I used to be in-home sales.  I ended up in allot of homes with foster kids.  The families can live pretty well of the state checks.

I was in one house that had five foster kids.  They were getting $4,000 a month and that is what they lived on.  They had these kids, because they didn't want to go to work.

Everyone has motives, but I never met anyone who adopted a child that did it for the money.

Answer 7

You have to know that some people are just naturally mean an like to try to cause pain to others.Don't let them get to you. As for the people who may want your baby. You say you will meet them right? In that case just sit and talk to them see what kind of people they are. Ask a few questions. Then afterwords think about the meeting. Were they sincere, did they seem genuinely  kind and caring and such. Most of the people (not all) just want a family and can't have one. They're not mean or greedy. Some have just waited so long that they are just filled with all types of emotions and don't always come across the way they want to. As I was adopted I know that there are alot of really good people out there who will be good parents and it wasn't about the money with most of them.

Answer 8

most of them just want a baby.

and they want to pretend it's theirs.  they may tell you that you will still be in the baby's life, but how can you trust them when you barely know them?

adoption can be really bad for the real mother.  it's very traumatic to give up your child.  and honestly even though the adoptive parents might not be mean and greedy, the adoption AGENCIES are.  They are just looking to make $$$, and the only way they are going to make $$$ is by talking moms out of their babies.  they want you to sign away your rights before you even get to meet your child.  if i was pregnant and adoption was an option I would wait until after the child is born to make that choice.  because from what I've read a lot of people feel different about it once they meet their baby.

Answer 9

No there are loads of informed and educated prospective adoptive parents out there

I think it's the adoption industry itself that is mean and greedy

I'm surprised you picked up on perceived nasty things said about adoptive parents when there is so much horrid stuff said against birthmothers!

Answer 10

No I don't think that all people are like that but I'm sure there are some out there/ Just keep your eye open and try to get to know the person as much as you can before you give that precious baby up! Good Luck...You shouldn't listen to what people say follow your heart and make sure you give that baby to a family who will love him/her unconditionally!

Answer 11

WOW, so much hostility on here. According to some I am a abusive, neglectful, heroin/crack adict,w***e who deserves to be shot for wanting a more stable home for my daughter. I have learned through this site that these people have every right to feel that way. I have learned that the system and the lawyers are the most deceitful of them all. But at the time of my daughters adoption, it wouldn't have mattered. Her father and I were the one who decided on adoption. It wasn't me she needed to be affraid of. It was my family. I was a victim of incest and rape. I was a w***e. I was raised to be a w***e. I actually thought that was a females purpose in life. By the time I was 16 I was bitter and hateful. Then I met a man who taught me how to love. He taught me how to make love. He taught me how to receive love. He literally saved me, but he was committed to VietNam and I didn't know if he would be coming home. I REFUSED TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO THAT HOUSE. Back then open adoptions were practically unheard of. Her dad did come home. He signed the papers with me before he went back. He was a mess for the next decade as were most vietnam soldiers. We got lucky. I have been in reunion with my daughter for 8 years. We recently found her dad, and she got a wonderful home with loving  parents and a normal childhood. I did have anger issues, I did become a drunk, I did a lot of drugs to numb the loss of her and the memory of my childhood but I never once blamed it on anything other than where I came from. Had that been different.

Answer 12

no. Myself and my husband are waiting to adopt. We have a been approved and just waiting for a child to be placed with us. We are as 'normal' as they come. We are good people and have a lot to offer a child. We just can not physcially have them. That is our only difference. Please do not get turned off. Good Luck!

Answer 13

Pookie,

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, biological or adoptive.  People on here are mean to them for a variety of reasons:

They don't like any PAP or AP

They don't like how a questions was asked/answered

They have their own unresolved issues regarding adoption

You need to ask any prospective adoptive parent (should you decide not to parent) a lot of questions and trust your instincts.  don't be afraid to ask them what their motives for adopting are -- it's your right and your child.

Answer 14

There are so many things that people just don't know about adoption.  The majority of people looking to adopt have waiting years and have spent loads of time and money receiving treatment and trying other methods just as IVF before finally deciding to adopt.  It's a long road.  Being parents is important to them.  

That said, this does not make most potential adoptive parents (PAP's) mean or even greedy.  There will always be those who are overly concerned with getting the "right kind" of child, or who will lie to the mother in order to get a child.  A few other people have mention open adoption agreements.  Knowing that they aren't legally binding, I have actually heard a few PAP's advice each other to agree to an open adoption to get a child faster and then just close the adoption once it's final.  Mind you, this is only the actions and attitudes of SOME PAP's, not everyone.  Yes, PAP's all want a child, but only some of them are unscrupulous.

Mainly, I think people become confused when they see adoptees talk about the need for reform in adoption law and agency policies.  There are those agencies who aren't looking out for the best interests of the child in the long run.  The law is not on the side of adopted persons or natural parents.  Reform is needed.  

There are plenty of people who automatically think that those who want reform are bitter "anti-adoption" adoptees who hate all PAP's.  They assume, incorrectly, that those who want reform had unhappy adoptions.  The truth is that those looking for reform include natural parents, adoptive parents and adopted persons.  These adopted persons come from a variety of family situations, some good and some not so good.

If there's any way you can keep your baby, do so.  After your baby is adopted, there's no turning back.  If you really do choose adoption and it's truly what YOU want, then get to know the PAP's very well.  These are the people who will raise your child -- the people who your child will call mom and dad for the rest of his or her life.

Answer 15

People are often mean when they can be anonymous, like here on Answers.

I know some people who have adopted and they seem to be the most generous people I know!  Think about it -- they want to be a parent so badly that they are adopting.   They have decided to adopt instead of spending thousands of dollars on fertility treatment.  Adoption can be hard for everyone, its certainly not easy.

I think perhaps that people who go through all sorts of expensive and invasive fertility treatments to get pregnant are more greedy bc they care so much about passing on their own genes instead of having a healthy baby.

Answer 16

That's why u should always keep your child no matter what-if u don't there will always be some insecurity with your child-even if they found good parents-in the back of their mind they'll always have a feeling of neglect-ppl just shouldn't give up-if u feel u can't provide 4 your child, if u try hard enough, you'll find a way.

Answer 17

It is one of my lifelong and truest ambitions to adopt - even though I'm capable of having children and have one biological one already. I've just always wanted to, I want to provide a good home for a baby who needs me. And I'm building my life with that in mind - it's not a 'quick' decision. At least two years of  home investigation and training by the government, then possibly two or more of waiting. I just finished the first step: getting my college diploma so I can get a better job, afford a nicer home. In ten years (when I'm 38) I'll be ready.

I'm writing all of this to give you an idea of how long some of these couples may have been planning to adopt. And not just couples, the single women and men as well.

I don't know why anyone would think of adoptive parents as mean and greedy (although you do have to like the person/people you choose) - I would think people like that would want to go out an rob houses or steal something quick. And I don't understand how an adoptive couple could be 'greedy' - it costs a LOT of time and money and emotions to do this. Greedy people have trouble making any kind of sacrifice, don't they?

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. Best to you and yours, there are still good people in the world (we're the ones not boasting about how great we are! lol).

Answer 18

No matter what some people on here seem to think, there are people out there honestly cannot have children on their own, but truly long to be permanent parents. Many people suggest foster parenting as an option, but there are families who want to be parents for the long haul and there are situations where they cannot do this without adoption. I truly think you are very brave for even thinking about adoption.

It isn't about being greedy--rather desperation and longing. It is very disheartening when you spend your whole life preparing to be a parent (you marry your prince charming, get yourself financially stable, prepare emotionally and spiritually to provide for a child) and then after years of trying you find out that your dream cannot be realized due to medical issues.  I believe that the "mean and greedy" are truly the "determined and desperate" for the most part. There truly are wonderful families out there who long for a child for the right reasons.

So many people on here seem to think that the people who want to adopt are being selfish. Personally I think that there is more to it than that. Yes, there is a personal desire and there is personal benefit, but it isn't only about that. There are some situations where adoptive parents truly do want to enrich the lives of a child who might not have that opportunity otherwise. It is about making a family, sharing your life and love with a child.

Good luck in your decision. Please don't assume that all people are ill-intending, greedy, or mean. Good luck in your decision.

Answer 19

No - not all - but sadly many are just so h**l bent on getting a child - any child - that they neglect to see what is best for the child - which is to stay with the mother that he/she was born from - if at all possible - and they certainly don't tell you of the heartache you will feel being separated from your child - or how that child will feel being separated from you.

Here - the one's that will tell you you're doing the right thing - will inevitably be prospective adoptive parents - or parents who have already adopted.

(they get all the 'wins' out of adoption)

In Australia - adoption is only considered AFTER birth - and AFTER the mother has tried to parent the child.

It's called family preservation.

It's the best thing for the child.

Here - we only have about 450 adoptions per year - and many of those are from overseas.

In the US - there are over 130,00 adoptions per year.

(yet there are still over 100,000 children in foster care waiting to be adopted - as most want newborn children)

Adoption here is not big business - it's government controlled - and all mother's are supported to parent - rather than to give their child to a stranger.

Research shows that it is best for the child - psychologically & emotionally - to stay with the mother that gave birth to them - if at all possible.

You don't sound like you're an 'at risk' parent. You sound like a very loving person.

In AUS - you'd be encouraged to just get through your pregnancy - give birth - and see how things go from there.

THEN - if it's not working - an adoptive family can be found - and strict studies are done to make sure they're suitable.

I've seen way too many damaged adoptees and damaged relinquishing mothers to not speak up.

Ultimately - of course - the choice is all yours.

Answer 20

Are PAP's mean? NO!! Most are not mean, there are very few that are abusive and unfortunately these one's make the news media and then paint a bad picture for those PAP's that do adopt for the right reason.

Are PAP's greedy? NO!! My adoptive parents were far from greedy. They wanted to protect me from the foster care system, so when I became elgible for adoption and my bio-mom asked them, they agreed to adopt me. They were motivated for love, not greed.

Now, if you were to ask if the adoption agencies are greedy. I would have to say YES,YES!!! They not only take advantage of the birth mother, but also the adoptive parents. The adoption agencies make the adoptive parents pay all kinds of money, which is unfair and some will use pressure to have the birth mother give up her baby, this is unfair.

So, your question for mean and greedy should be for the adoption agencies that take advantage of everyone in the adoption process.

Answer 21

Mean?  No.  Greedy?  Yes.

And don't forget, Pookie.  APs wanted their own children 99% of the time.  An adopted child is often brought in after trying naturally, maybe fertility drugs, and possibly IVF.

And the reason this is the 'only place you've noticed it', is because Y!A is very democratic.  Everyone here has a voice.  In MANY other forums and sites, the adult adoptee's voice is not allowed to be expressed.

We are often shut out, 'moderated', or deleted all together.  No one want to hear from us.  Prospective adoptive parents want babies.  Agencies and attorneys want money.  

Ask your self, what do I, as an adult adoptee GAIN from telling you that adoption is not your best option?  Nada.

I'm hoping to save you and your child the AGONY my mother and I went trhough for 22 years.  I was given up because my mother wasn't married in the 60's, which made it socially impossible for her to keep me.

It was painful to be separated from her, and cut off from my entire family.  Adopted children have 'less than' everyone else.  Even if they get APs with money.  No one can replace you.  Trust me.

I am 43, and found my mother 20 years ago.  We are close. We talk everyday.  But there are gulfs we will never bridge.  I was raised without her in my life, and visa-versa.

You really need to read some stuff on line, please!

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Adoption is a PERMANENT 'soloution' to a temporary problem.  How many things in life are really permanent?  You can even get tattoos removed by laser nowadays.

Trust me adoption is PERMANENT.  

PAPs, agencies, and attorneys are glad to take advantage of your vulnerable condition, and instinct to 'nest' (set everything up for baby), and promise you things they can't possibly guarantee.

Open adoptions are quite often a ploy to get pregnant women to believe the door is 'open' a crack.  These agreements are NOT enforcable by law.  I knew a woman who's husband was getting a job transfer in place while they were adopting.  Adoption finalized, and they moved to Chile!!! 'Birthmother' cast aside.  What they needed her for was OVER.

VERY often a mother relenquishing a child for adoption is like 'a dog that won't hunt', which means she's worn out her usefullness.  I think many who will be singing your praises during the 'adoption plan' process will treat you like a dog that don't hunt when it's over.

I hope you'll reconsider.

Answer 22

It isn't the people looking to adopt that are mean and greedy here on this site. Unfortunately , this site has been taken over by some who are bitter and angry about their adoption experience and try to project that on everyone else here. If you don't agree with them, then you are deluded.

The decision to place your baby with a couple is yours, and yours alone. You will find the right people. And if you choose to parent your child, that's ok too.

Good luck sweetie.

Answer 23

They can't all be bad people who just want my baby. Can they?

Why wouldn't that be the case?  

If you relinquish your baby, you will be creating an ADOPTEE, instead of concerning yourself with adoptive parents, please look into how some adult adoptees are feeling. http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index... Read some blogs. Investigate the outcome of placing.

You will be creating a lifelong sentence to your firstborn. It is an emotionally tragic condition to be separated from one's mother and family.

It seems like you love your baby, healthy sane people do not give away what they love the most. Those who stand to profit on your decision to buy into that myth will pump your self esteem like crazy to get you to believe you are a SAINT.  After you sign the papers your use is over and society will think of you at best as a young fool or crackhead ****.  

please. keep. your baby.  

Here's some mother's experiences with open adoption. http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adopti...

Answer 24

No, however when someone comes on and makes specific qualifications on what kind of child, age, etc, they will adopt, then you question their motives.    Plus I get annoyed with pro-lifers who use this as an arguement - as if life stops after age 2 and those toddlers and older children dont want to be adopted.

Answer 25

The right family for you, cares about YOU.  

As a waiting adoptive Mother, I can tell you that it is a difficult wait, and I would generally say that parents waiting to adopt can feel pretty desperate at times.  Desperate to be parents.  But.....that desperation doesn't mean that they are greedy and will do underhanded things to get your baby.

It is so important that you work with an agency that you trust.  People that support YOU, first and foremost.  It is also really really really important that you know about ALL the options available to you, and that giving your child up for adoption is the right thing for you, and that you aren't pressured into it for the wrong reasons.  If the people helping you aren't supportive at any point or try to pressure you at any point, there are other places you can go for help.  

I do believe that when you find the right family, you will know.  

Make sure you know what YOU want.  You can keep your baby, there is help available.  If you do go through with adoption, you can stipulate what kind of adoption, and how much contact you want and are willing to have.

Best of luck to you dear - whatever you do.

Answer 26

Well, I would look at it this way.

Would these people be supportive and happy for you should the situation present itself where you could keep your child?  

Whose interests are they most interested in: theirs or your's and the child's?

Seems to me, that "greed" is probably a strong word, but *most* PAP's are in it for themselves, they would much rather see the baby come into their home.  This is what they've dreamed of, they don't want their dreams shattered.

If you changed your mind shortly after relinquishment, would they be supportive and give you your child, or would they fight you every step of the way?

Answer 27

No.  I don't think so.  My adoptive parents aren't like that.

I grew up around many other adopted kids when I was young and their adoptive parents weren't like that either.

But with that said, I have been in reunion for a year now and nobody in my adoptive family is very eager to meet anyone from my first family.  My adad feels they are "insignificant".

There is a big difference between greed and entitlement.  

And yes, I'm sad to say that many potential first parents simply DO want you to give them your baby.  Some have waited years and will do anything for the opportunity.  That can be good and bad.

I do think that people have to be careful.  There are many stories of firstmothers being promised open adoptions with their child and then denied any contact the minute the papers are signed or the adoptive parents begin to feel uncomfortable.  It happens too often to ignore.

There are many stories of first mothers who are told what loving brave souls they are to relinquish a child and then cast aside as heroin addicts and loose women once their services are no longer required.

And there are a lot of unscrupulous agencies and lawyers out there trying to make a buck.  To be honest, I'm more wary of them than I am of adoptive parents.

And the hard truth of the matter is that the law is not on the side of first parents in most cases.  It just isn't.

No.  Most potential adoptive parents are people who simply want someone to call them mom or dad.  I can't fault someone for wanting that, it's a wonderful thing to be a parent.  

There are losses and gains in adoption.  My only hope is that those who adopt acknowledge the losses that it took for them to have the honor of becoming parents.

Just be careful.

Answer 28

Both of my daughters have adopted little boys and they and their husbands are totally devoted to their little guys. The 18 mo old grandson is going thru physical therapy, speech therapy and even occupational therapy because of his deprived first year. They couldn't love him any more or do more for him.

Mean, greedy adoptive parents would be a negligible minority. Quite the opposite, they want to share their tremendous love with a stranger's child.  The first time each daughter met her son, tears rolled down her cheeks and he was her very real son for life.

You are making the right decision. Trust your heart.