Are my felings and reasons valid for calling off or possibly postponing my wedding?

Question

I've been dating my fiance about 5 years and moved in with him three weeks ago. (He's Army and got stationed in TX a year ago)

We're supposed to be getting married next month. However, I'm unhappy for several reasons.

1) He doesn't make me feel special or loved. Rather he comes home, eats dinner, watches tv and goes to bed. He never hugs, kisses or says I love you like he used too.

2) Whenever I try to talk to him about something I don't like that he's doing he gets EXTREMELY defensive and angry.

3) He doesn't really like my Mom or Dad very much. He's cordial at best.

4) We almost never have s*x anymore even though I want too.

5) Whenever we're "play fighting" like I might poke him with my toe, he gets really rough. Last night, after I did the "got your nose" he grabbed me around my throat. He didn't squeeze, but the fact that he did it scared me.

6) Whenever we have a disagree, I always end up having to agree with him or we agree to disagree.

Answer 1

I see several danger signs. If you have not had your premarital counseling yet, bring this up there. If you have, use the communication techniques you learnt there to explain to him that his behaviour is approaching abusive. Have a place to go, and be ready to leave if you need to. If he's not willing to talk, there are problems.

Answer 2

The "play fighting" gone bad is what would worry me the most. You don't want it to escalate into something that is dangerous for you. Just based on that reason alone, I would say your feelings are valid and you would be/are doing the right thing by calling of the wedding. Get out now before something bad happens.

Answer 3

YES!!!  Your reasons are totally valid each and every one of them!  Who wants to marry someone like that?

Of everything above, I worry most above the #2 (i.e., extremely defensive), and the

#5 - play fighting.  Hey....we all do that....but someone doesn't grab you by the throat!  Geez.  That is a RED FLAG if I ever saw one.  All of the others #1, #3, #4, #6 make me feel very sad for you.

YOU deserve more!  Don't settle for this one.  I would move out STAT and call off the wedding.

Good luck to you in the future and I hope you find someone that truly loves you for you.  This one sounds like you are living to please HIM....not yourself.

Answer 4

I am so sorry you are going through this.

All the time I was reading your question I felt how wrong all of this is. None of it is as it should be and, believe me, I should know.

There is NO WAY that any of this looks as if it might mend to me and I do not think that a happy marriage for you would be possible given these circumstances.

Break free as soon as possible, and TAKE CARE; VERY, VERY GOOD CARE - this could be nasty when you do.

On a brighter note - you can't fail to have a much happier future since it doesn't get any worse than how you are already.

Answer 5

Yes, this is a bad sign.  Things will only get worse...you should leave before you get stuck!

Answer 6

I think that these are all VERY valid reasons. He's scaring you, not making you happy, and doesn't get along with your family. Added up these are all reasons to look for a way out. I would be especially worried about the violence part. I understand play fighting, my finace and I do it to, but when it starts to escalate towards real abuse it's no longer a joke.

Answer 7

Leave the relationship, period.

Answer 8

Yes, yes, a million times yes! Postpone this wedding.

Get into some pre-marital counseling. If he won't go, then call off the wedding.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's really better to find out now, then later when it becomes a sticky legal mess.

Good luck to you!

Answer 9

i really do think that you need to let him know your not ready to get married he needs to try to solve your  problems with you together before marriage not after... then once you realize you dont love him anymore and you are married it is much harder to get out of it..

Answer 10

Run....very fast.  He is showing the typical signs of "the honeymoon is over".  He will not change.  Counseling will not help.  You are not the right person for him, nor is he right for you.  End it now while you can.

Answer 11

If you're having these feelings, you would be wise not to get married yet.  

If he's been living away from you for a year he may feel differently than he did or may need time to readjust to being together every day.  I live about 3 hours away from my husband (I go to school and he got a job that enables me to not have to work full time, so it's worth the sacrifice).  It's an adjustment when I go home on breaks... I get used to my routine and then it changes, and although he won't admit it, it's different for him, too...

I'd be scared if my hubby grabbed my throat, too.  It COULD be a precursor to physical violence, but I'm not an expert.  

Maybe you need (individually or jointly) to talk to a counselor or minister to find out if feelings have changed orsimply  whether or not marriage is the right step right now.  If it isn't, I'm sorry, if it is, Congratulations.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 12

For your marriage, I'd say this is a red flag. Move out and move on.

Answer 13

I would say so.  Things are NOT going to get better but probably worse when/if you marry.  If you do marry, get counseling beforehand.  These issues need to be worked out prior to the wedding.

PS.  I understand the play fighting but the fact that you were scared when he grabbed your throat is questionable.  It's not that the act was horrible within context of the situation but it is about the manner he went about it.   Me and my guy play fight too and pretty rough since I'm really into UFC.  We've both put each other in guillotines (a choke out move) but I've never been scared or either has he.  I guess it's the manner of the grab, you can feel the emotion put in behind the action and yours wasn't positive as it seems.   I could just see that grab between you and your guy possibly getting out of hand and you really getting hurt.  Be careful.

Answer 14

def postpone it and get conselling; now is not the time.all the best.if you really love it each other you will work it out.

Answer 15

Yes, these sound like very valid reasons -- the best reasons.  I think you need to call of the wedding, call of the relationship, and find a new place to live.  Be careful, he's not going to like it.

Answer 16

Yuong lady since you moved in with him, HE IS NOW TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED! Move out the house, get your home, yes, if you think it is neccary by all means, either postpone it, or it might help if you were to tell him that you are calling off the wedding, because this is to be your special day with him, but if all your little love taps now, make him mad, maybe you are right to call it off, because if there is no way you are going to be happy, DO NOT KEEP THE DATE AS IT IS NOW,STOP IT BEFORE YOU MAY REALLY GET HURT!If its not special to him anymore, and he doesn't show affection anymore like he used to (when you to were separted) then separate, and start your life the way it was before, so he will have the service, and you will have your life back, and you will be safe! He may not realize what he is doing to you, or he may, either way it one way to snap him back to reality! And if he asks you why you're either postponing it, or even calling it off, is:(your true feelings & the truth), and he may change(for the better), and apologize, but just the same I'd still move out of his home, go back into your own, just to be on the safe side.Give everything that bothers you about him, the way he's acting, all of it, TO GOD! He'll know what to do! Your marriage would have been possible because of God, maybe this is His way of telling you this wrong for you, maybe He is showing you this side of him, to show you he is not right for you! Try young lady to listen to what God is showing you, for your happiness, and safety! May God Bless You and keep you safe! And may He be there beside you like He has always been,!

Answer 17

YES.  There's a saying that no matter what is bothering you before you get married, it will only be magnified after...and it won't get better.  It sounds like maybe he needs counseling...?  Are you staying with him out of habit?  What are the reasons you're with him/love him?  Think about that before you take the plunge.

Answer 18

my advise would be to get out while you still can. If you marry him you'll be stuck in a loveless abusive marriage.

Answer 19

I think you need to call everything off and get away before he hurts you really. I had an abusive boyfriend and that is how it started and it just got worse and the longer you wait the harder it is to leave. Maybe talk to someone about it if you need help. If you are unhappy with him then you should not marry him and be unhappy the rest of your life. Good luck and take care!

Answer 20

All of your concerns are pretty valid concerns to me. I would seriously consider calling off the wedding, and definitely having a serious conversation with him about these concerns. Marrying someone means accepting them completely for who they are and developing a life together. That means that if you marry this guy, he's never going to make you feel special or loved, never be hugged or kissed, he'll get defensive or angry when you try to talk to him, and he won't be very nice to your parents. Oh, and that also means you'll hardly ever have s*x with him!! And that he'll be rough with you when he does decide to touch you.

Answer 21

Sounds like there is more to this either you arent saying or he isnt telling you.  Postponing the weding may be a good diea.  Get it fiogured out before taking such a big step.  If you arent happy then dont marry him, at least not yet.

Answer 22

Call off the wedding and move out!  The fighting back and hurting you is the very scary part.  My fiance and I "play fight" too, so I understand that.  The thing is that I've never felt threatened by him, he's never grabbed my throat, or not let me go when I asked.  You are in danger, get out!  Being in the army is very stressful.  Give him some space so he can get things figured out for himself.  But protect yourself first!  You don't want to be there when his defensiveness turns violent.  I'm not saying it will, but you're much better safe than sorry as the saying goes.

Answer 23

I would call it off cause thats the way it will be forever.

Answer 24

The Army is a very stressful, demanding ocupation. Perhaps he doesn't have the time and energy to be all lovey-dovey all the time.

The fact that you are not affectionate (physically) its very concerning. This raises a red flag and in conjunction with his crabbiness and his strangulation attempt ....., something is wrong,,...way wrong.

IMO, people that try to hurt their SO, and refuse physical affection are clear signs of cheating. If he seems resentful or he makes you feel that you are just "on his way" or a inconvinience to his agenda, I would reconsider marriage.

NEVER LET A MAN PUT A FINGER ON YOU< NOT EVEN PLAYING!@@

Good luckk

Answer 25

If they feel valid to you, they’re valid. It sounds like this bothers you, and you can’t expect him to change after you get married so I would say don’t go through with it.

I once heard that anything that bothers you before you get married will just wear on you and get more irritating the longer you live with it. And from some of the not-so-happy marriages I’ve seen, I have to agree that it’s true.

Answer 26

get out of there. these are very strong signs that he will becoming very physically abusive in the future.  Besides, it sounds like you already know this is not the man you should be with.

Answer 27

Those are all serious issues that need to be considered. The biggest is that you can't talk to him about any of this without him getting defensive and angry - how are you supposed to create a life together if you can't communicate with each other about difficult subjects?

I'm not telling you to cancel or postpone, or to go through with it. But I do think you should talk to someone you trust - a minister, a counselor, a trusted friend, or a therapist - about the situation so that you can make the best decision.