Are my parents over reacting?

Question

I met a guy at my church about 3 weeks ago. We only saw each other about 3-4 times but we've been talking on the phone practically every night. It got to the point where he asked me on a date, and I said yes.

My parents, on the other hand, were not having it and said that i didn't know the guy enough to go out on a date with him. It was my understanding that the main purpose of a date, especially at this time is to get to know a person before establishing some sort of a relationship.

They say this because they believe that I first have to observe that person in their surroundings for at least 2 months. However, the problem lies in the fact that we won't have the opportunity to see each other as much as we'd like. But they also get upset when he's anywhere close to me regardless of how many people are around me.

I offered to take my best friend along with me and at first, they agreed, but later they said they didn't think it was a good idea.

Am I the one who's not getting something?

I would really appreciate a response from a parent, but anyone's welcome to answer.

(I'm 17 btw)

I'm going to college in the fall

... by going, I mean staying at home going to school

I posted this question in the pregnancy/parenting section, but didn't get the number of responses I wanted... feel free to type you heart out. lol

Answer 1

17???? jesus , i think its time your parents let go

i know in the UK they dont have that much power over you.

Answer 2

Hullabalooo?

you like MUSE?!

wooot wooot!

Answer 3

I think they are. I mean you're 17 and you met him at Church for Pete's Sake.

Answer 4

Dating a random person because you think they are cute, often does not work as well as dating a friend. When you date a friend .... there is not much they can HIDE and there is not "as much" to learn. lol! You also instantly know many of their flaws. And you also instantly know they like you for your personality as well as your attraction.

This is why your parents might prefer this.

What your parents don't understand is that unromantic friendship does not work well with two people who are ALREADY "falling" in love with each other. lol!

You are 17 going on 18. And since you are going to college, I am guessing you are soon going to be mature enough to move out (etc). Talk to your parents about it but if they get upset, you should think about moving out or going "away" to college. Not because you want to be away from your parents, but because you need to experience what it is like to make decisions on your own.

Answer 5

Yes. They are.

That's ridiculous. You're absolutely right that dating - which is not the quick, meaningless hookups people perversely seem to favor nowadays - is indeed meant to establish the basis of a relation. It is that "Getting to know you" period.

What they're basically saying is that THEY don't know him well enough. Why this should have any bearing on you is beyond me - at 17 you've been physically an adult these four years at least and mentally who knows how long - but that's where it is.

Personally I think if you're church-going folks, they should be glad you met him at church. Church-going people tend to think there is no better place to meet someone. If they don't trust someone you met there, they'll hardly react better to someone you meet at college (a den of liberals and communists - why do you think I enjoyed it so well?)*.

You might be on firm ground asking them if you can have him over to the house for dinner. That way you get to spend some time with him, they get to know him - which, like I said, seems to be the crux of their problem - and all should be well, unless they're just being totally irrational (which, sadly, parents are often wont to do) in which case you just lose until you can move out next year.

*Disclaimer - this is sarcasm. No offense meant to my fellow liberals, intellectuals, or anyone else.

Answer 6

Wow, that is one short leash. You are 17 and you aren't allowed to go on a date with a guy you met at Church and have been talking to for weeks? That's crazy. I think you're a little old to have everything approved by your parents. I can't understand them wanting to have a say in a guy you wanted to be your boyfriend; but just a date? Yes, I think they are over reacting.

Answer 7

When my daughters were 15-16 and dating, I would insist on meeting the guy and getting to know a little bit about him and his family before I gave them permission to go out alone with him.  I sometimes let them invite boys over to the house when I was home and could keep an eye on them and talk to them. If they didn't want me to meet the boy, it was a red flag.

But you're 17, you've had the opportunity to get some information about him, and I would hope you are mature enough to make a good judgment about a dating partner. I'd say your parents are overreacting a bit.  Are they willing to meet him?  Is he willing to meet them?  If so, invite him over.   If not, at least you have some consolation.  You'll be 18 soon.

Answer 8

Your parents are just worried about you. They trust you completely but they worry about the guy. They fear that he will do something to you. I would invite him over to your house for dinner one night . So that you parents could feel that you are safe while they meet and talk with him. I know that that may be old fashioned but I believe that it gives the parents a way to check him out.  Then hopefully after you had him over for dinner maybe if everything goes well that they will let you go out on a date.

Good Luck

Answer 9

Yeah, I kinda think so. You are 17 and thats old enough to date, but I am sure it because they love you. Try to see if he can come over to see you for dinner. The more they are around you two together the more they will accept him. Good Luck!

Answer 10

Being a mom myself, I can understand your parent's concern.....to an extent. You are 17, almost an adult. It's time they learn to trust you and your decisions. Have you ever given them a reason to not trust you? yes, they may be overreacting, but cut them some slack. =) You are their "baby girl", and they are most likely scared out of their minds about you growing up and having a life of your own. My oldest is only 9,  and I cannot imagine what it is like to be in your parents' shoes right now.  Perhaps talk to them, as an adult (or almost adult), tell them they can trust you and you hope they can come to realize that you will soon be an adult and be responsible for your own life. Of course, also you must realize that you will be living at home while an adult, and going to school, so try to respect their rules. =)  GL!

Answer 11

yeah my parents if i was to meet someone and i had been talking to them for that long every night and he asked me on a date my parents would say yes they might want to meet him of course but they wouldn't say something a weired  as you have to  observe their surroundings for 2 months ....that's just odd . I really think they are overeacting you are old enough to go on a date without your parents forbidding it i means they have a say but not like that ....once in gollege though it's all you you decide what you do no matter what they say about that :)

Answer 12

YES!

Your 17! Just tell them to let you live a little and stop being so over protective.

Answer 13

i think they are. your 17 and for heaven sakes you met him at CHURCH!!!  

Answer 14

17?

Yeah u need to demad justice ! (:

Try to get a job to rent a condo or something. So you can date and what not.

Answer 15

I do think they're overreacting.  

I mean, you should take time to get to know a person.  I don't disagree with that.  And maybe 3 weeks is kind of early to go out on a date with someone for your age...

But they're gonna have to let you grow up.  And if they did a good job as parents, they should trust you.  You obviously aren't a little girl anymore, and you know the difference between right and wrong.  

They should start allowing you to make a few decisions for yourself.  If they don't, how do they expect you to survive in this world?  They're not gonna be there to hold your hand all the time.

And maybe they do allow you to make a few decisions on your own, but dating is something that I feel is important that parents shouldn't try to shut down so much.  Restrictions are a must, but so is allowing a young adult grow up to make their own smart or dumb decisions.

Answer 16

whether your parents are overreacting is not really the issue here, since you clearly don't want to disobey them, and they have decided they're not happy with this.  one of the kids i teach is in a similar situation to you - she asks my advice on what to do about a guy she likes because her parents won't let her date at all.  she's the same age as you.  like you, she doesn't want to disappoint or anger her parents.  

i know, from having spoken to her about boys at length (btw, i'm ten years older), that she thinks through these issues in a mature and sensible way.  however, her parents aren't aware of this, as she isn't even able to raise the subject with them owing to the position they've taken on it.  i suspect if you give your parents a little more time to get used to the idea, and you have patience with them they will see that you have grown up and are missing out on an important part of adult life while they catch up to you. (after all, it's really hard for parents to accept that something they held on one arm while it pooped itself is now an adult person with ideas of its (her) own!).

perhaps rather than going out with just one friend and this guy, you could go out with a group of girlfriends and meet up with him and a group of his friends?  that way, you'd be able to see where he fits in with his peers.  it wouldn't be ideal, but you'd still be able to see him and talk to him.

maybe you could ask your parents to invite this guy round for dinner, or go out for a meal all of you together or something?  that way, you'd be supervised by them the whole time, and they could see for themselves whether they like him or not.  it'd be quite a high-pressure situation for him, but if he really likes you, he may be prepared to do this.

if you have this guy round to meet them, they can also see that he is a respectful and respectable man, and that you are not too flirtatious with him.

you could also try getting them to address some of their concerns with you... ask them what it is, specifically, that bothers them so much about you going out in public with a man.  you may be able to convince them to lighten up a bit if you talk through their specific concerns, and explain exactly what you want for yourself from the date.  if you can reassure them that you just want some individual conversation from a nice man - it doesn't even have to be anything physical! - then they may take a more lenient view.

you should explain to them that you want to be respectful of their wishes but that you think a compromise can be worked out between you so that you don't have to miss out entirely.  it sounds like your parents are wavering a bit (changing their mind about a friend going with you, for example).  discussing it calmly and maturely - making sure that they understand you don't intend to disobey their wishes, but that you would like them to take your opinions into account when they make the rules - may make them reconsider given a little time.  after all, it's only been a few weeks since you met this guy, and if he's worth knowing, he'll be patient - and your parents haven't yet had long to get used to the idea of you dating.

another thought - parents LOVE it when potential boyfriends for their daughters approach the parents to ask permission to spend time with their daughter.  he should apply to them for consent to date you.  failing that, possibly, if he invited them to spend some time with him, like dinner with his family or something, with you not even present, that'd soften them up a lot more too - then they could see that he's serious about wanting to spend time with you but is respectful of their wishes as well.