Are "little" adoptees being overstimulated?

Question

with resources to help them?

My 1st grade nephew got a book this weekend from his grandma about being adopted and he threw it across the room! This and the question about "gotcha parties" got me thinking. Are we over-doing it a bit with making adoptees feel "special" Is there any research that suggests that these are good things?

I'm interested because I'm helping raise my nephew and all the adoptee paraphenalia is new to me. When I was little I was told I was adopted. It was nothing to be ashamed of and that was that. I'm not sure which approach is better? Thoughts?

Answer 1

Parties and special literature sounds slightly overblown.  I don't think adoption defines a child's identity, it's simply a part of it.

Differences in general should be acknowledged and celebrated.  Children (biological and adopted) need to know that they are free to be themselves and be accepted for who they are.

The idea of a "Gotcha" day makes me nauseous to be honest.

Answer 2

Here's a great article on the idea of gotcha day. I wish all prospective adoptive parents would read this and give it some real thought.

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles...

I feel there is a fine line between the two extremes of shoving all the adoption paraphernalia down their throats vs. not acknowledging it other than "the talk."

I think kids need to know that it's safe to talk about adoption and it's up to the parents to start the discussions and let them know that they can ask/say anything they want and will be supported and loved no matter what.

I don't know what book he was given but I personally don't like the idea of books that are geared to make the kid feel like adoption is a good thing. Now, I'm not saying that it's not - I just think that by giving them a book like that it sets them up to feel like they can't talk about issues they *might* have when they arise. I just think it's a subliminal way to say "we think adoption is good and therefore you should despite what you really might be thinking." And some kids are so scared of being abandoned by their adoptive parents that they just go along with it, suck it up, push it deep down and let it sit there until something later in life triggers it and then there's a real mess.

So, I'd say get rid of the book, get rid of gotcha, but keep dialogue open and honest and let them know their relationship is secure enough that they can talk about anything. Then, later in life, maybe pre-teen years I'd give him a couple of books written by adoptees to let him explore his feelings - and I'd suggest also reading them to be able to open that dialogue.

Answer 3

Probably.

I would have done the same as your nephew.  I resented that I had to deal with 'being adopted' while other kids could just 'be'.

Answer 4

every American is overstimulated and rewarded for mediocrity.  it's the American way!

Answer 5

I suggest that families quietly celebrate and honor adoption, but don't make that your child's identity -- they are so much more!  Adoption is not about who our child is, it is about how our child came to us. Don't overwhelm your child with the identity of adoption.  Being "special" is not usually what kids want to feel.  That may mean "different" to some kids, and may not be particularly a valued thing by all personalities.    Most kids just want to feel like everyone else.  A quiet family dinner on adoption day, or a special card and hug, OK.  But banners and gifts and neighbors and friends?  Overkill.  Adoption is private and joyous, but not to be trivialized by constantly referring to it or pointing it out.  Our children should not be identified as adopted children.  They are children.

Answer 6

I'm very happy with the way my amom handled things.  She let ME lead the way.  If I had questions, we talked.  She didn't use any of the baby talk or cutesy cliches, which I appreciate more than you'll ever know.  There was a book the agency gave them, which she said was mine.  She never pushed me to read it or anything like that.  It was on my bookshelf and I could look at it or not at my own discretion.  

Thankfully, we did not "celebrate adoption."  I'd have been mortified.  I was glad to be treated like a regular kid.  I was glad I got to bring up my own issues in my own time and discuss them honestly and in a matter-of-fact way.  Being adopted is different, but that's for the child and his/her aparents to discuss together if the child wants to do so.

Gotcha day and all that is very unpalatable to me.  I had a birthday, like every other kid.  Let's just do that.

I just wanted to be loved the same as any other kid.  That made me feel more special a "special day" pointing out, commemorating and "celebrating" my adoption.

Answer 7

My son is 3 and when we celebrate his "gotcha" day, we just do stuff that is special together...  it's not all about him, it's about us being a family and celebrating time together.  Adoption is the action of how we became a family...  that's in the past...  he's still young...  and so we just have a fun day together.  As a side note, we also do a little something special on his birthmother's birthday although right now he has no idea why- or that its a special thing...  like going out to dinner and getting ice cream for dessert or something.  

I think "overdoing" it can be as bad as NOT celebrating {the family}.

Addition:  Don't biological children celebrate their special days?  Hello!?  Baptisms, birthdays, graduations, etc., life is full of things to be happy about- bringing a child into the family however- should be a very happy event what ever we call it.

Answer 8

OK deep breaths, in and out, in and out.

BARF! Gotcha? BARF!

When I was growing up there was not a lot out there about adoption. I fell madly in love with the movie Annie and my mom tried so hard to get me an autographed photo of Aileen Quinn. I watched Punky Brewster and had Cabbage Patch kids with adoption papers all filled out in frames on my dresser.

I chose what kind of adoption related things I had around. If I was interested in something I was given things about that interest, I had every Annie doll around because she was my hero not just because she was an orphan too. The toys I chose allowed my Mom to bring up the subject and allowed me to feel more free to talk about it.  Yes my Mom made the choice to take me to see Annie but I chose to love it.

It would have been very strange to have adoption shoved down my throat constantly. Kids need to have a safe way to talk about it but you have to find a natural way to bring it up, kinda like using the cat having kittens as an in to bring up talking about s*x.

Answer 9

One thing I have found out is that our local social service agency, where the children are adopted from, has a celebration party twice per year to celebrate all the adoptions, which normalizes the process for children as the party is for everyone!

We will leave talking to our children though about adoption to us....i won't leave it to grandma, she hasn't taken the parenting education my husband and I just took over grief and loss in adoption, so well she will be well intentioned she can just be grandma and spoil them rotten like any other grandchild!

Answer 10

Oh my goodness, the poor little guy.  

I haven't seen any of the books for children about being adopted, but the idea makes me a bit nauseous.  I'm not sure how I would have reacted as a child to being given a book like this, but I was a good little adoptee and probably would have tried to act happy.

It seems like it's just another way of pointing out to adoptees that they're different.  Being adopted makes me feel broken and worth less than everyone else who's not adopted.  I would not like to be reminded of this with books or parties.  

Also, infusing an adoptee with the idea that they are special comes with a certain amount of responsibility for them to therefore BE special.  I think it's way too much pressure on a kid to tell them that they were chosen, or a gift from God, or any of the other hollow reasons given to kids that they were adopted.   As an adoptee, it would feel like I would then have to be better than other kids in order to fulfill my parents expectations.  

Also, if there are bio siblings involved there is a very real risk of jealously on their part for what they may see as special treatment of the adopted child.  I know that my siblings were very jealous of me when I was adopted and they made me pay for it.  Calling attention to my 'specialness' probably would have made their cruelty towards me even worse.

Answer 11

We don't celebrate his adoption day. We do have a few childrens storybooks that talk about adoption. We read these every now and then. I think these are really usefull to start introducing him to adoption at an early age. I definitely don't think the books shove anything down his throat.

Answer 12

I think it very much can be overdone...  I don't think that adoption should define a child or a family. Of course we want to be open with the children about the facts and give them as much information as possible.

This "special" thing I also don't think is completely healthy... I think smart children should understand that all children are special and most special to their parents.... I wasn't adopted and I was special too so... I don't know why adoption has to be a reason for a child to feel special....