Are the folks in this site always so tough on each other?

Question

I've only been to this site a few times and believe me I understand this is a very sensitive issue to most people. But aren't we all here for the same reason? To try to understand how others cope or feel about issues of adoption to help everyone involved - birth parents, adoptive parents, and mostly the adoptees? I find it brutal in here sometimes and I guess I'm wondering why?

Answer 1

Adoption is not just a touchy issue for us...it is our lives.  And we are all very passionate about our of views!

I most certainly do not think that adoption is the most important thing in my life.  Not by a long shot!  I do mean to say that adoption is so much more than an issue for me.  It is part of my reality.  And because of that, I am passionate about my opinions and beliefs about adoption.  Those who have no personal experience with adoption might be amazed by the vigor we bring to this forum.  

I agree with you that our goal should be open, empathetic education and communication.  I try to be polite, honest, and respectful. (ok, maybe a snide comments escapes me now and then...and I admit a childish fascination when the verbal punches really get going)  And, I do agree that things here have been rather brutal lately.  I have definitely supported any and all calls for civility.

Answer 2

It seems to me that people take their own isolated experience and make assumptions about all adoptions. This seems to be true whether you are a potential adoptive parent or an adoptee. I had high hopes for finding support and information in this forum, but it seems that I get angry every time I get on here because someone is belittling someone else’s situation on here. I truly wish there was a way people could keep an open mind on here and realize that there are good and bad sides of adoption. There are happily ever after and horror stories, but this is true for adoptive situations and for traditional families. Bitterness and resentment for your own situation isn’t necessarily something you should take out on perfect strangers. If someone is trying to educate people on possible situations---there is a better way than name calling and vicious words. Haven’t you ever heard that “you get more flies with honey”? Personally, I feel that this site has opened my mind about the feelings of an adoptee. I never really thought about how it would feel to grow up as an adoptee. This has not changed my decision to adopt, but at least I will be conscious of the issues that may arise in the future.

Answer 3

It never used to be this way.  In the beginning of the adoption category, everyone was allowed to voice their opinions with respect.  Somewhere along the line it became a war.  

I am fortunate that I have contacts on both "sides" and who have helped me to better understand some of the comments made.  However, I still do NOT understand why everyone has to be so nasty with attacking each other.  What point does it make to get ugly with me or send me nasty emails?  The only thing I'm going to do is shut out everything you say - including the things I may support or agree with you with (and I don't mean "you" personally).  

It amazes me about how many people use insults and rudeness to get their point across and then claim people are taking it "too personally" when they respond or try to defend themselves.  

Everyone is entitled to an opinion.  I just wish that people could focus on sharing THEIR opinion and not ripping apart the opinions of others as direct attacks or insults.  We are all here to share experiences and gain knowledge.  Let's stop the name calling and the direct attacks and focus on the category & the questions.  

Sadly, the only way I think we can make that stop though is to continue reporting and blocking those people who abuse Y!A.

Answer 4

Yes, people can be tough on each other here...for good reason.  Adoption is not something to be taken lightly.  If someone is planning to adopt, they should be well aware of what they're getting into and what the potential pitfalls can be.  

As an adoptee, I've spent a lifetime working out why I have the particular issues that I do.  I have found support here, and others who understand me.  In 'real' life, I have no one to talk to about these things.  I've even had therapists dismiss my feelings and tell me to 'move on'.  Easier said than done.  It seems most people think adoptees shouldn't feel any different than non-adoptees.The few times I've opened up to a friend about my adoption 'issues', they've looked at me like I have two heads, and told me something like 'it could always be worse'.

I feel very passionate about adoptee issues, because adoption happened to me.  It isn't an abstract idea to me, but something very real and present.  So I think that I have something to add to the discussion no matter how heated, and something to gain also.

Answer 5

Some people are tough. I try not to be too forceful with my opinions, but I personally promote adoption rather than abortion. If you look at the profiles at some of the more harsh critics, a lot of them are young and not always informed on the topic. Then again, others are just set in their ways. If they bother you, you can give them a thumbs down and hide their response.

Answer 6

I've been thinking the same thing.  It's pretty brutal in here sometimes.

I don't want to speak for anyone else.  And I try to refrain from the worst of the back and forth (I'm sure I've failed at times).  But I do know that, for me, adoption has been this taboo subject for most of my life.  

Adoption, in the media, has always been presented (in my experience) as this rosy event.  (Sure there are some nasty stories, but those are always very particular stories, and are far outweighed by the bulk of good stories.)

For years, I thought the media had it wrong, but I wasn't allowed to speak up about it.  Now, for the first time, I feel like I've found my voice.  (Not just here.  This just happens to be one of the places I visit.)

From the perspective, I have felt like someone else was speaking for adoptees most of my life.  I never knew that I wasn't alone.  I have my entire life been made to feel like, if I wasn't just happy with everything, there must be something wrong with me.

Now that I know it's not just me, it is even more infuriating to be dismissed and insulted the way that some people seem intent to do here.  I'm tired of being dismissed and other people speaking for me.  

Usually, I walk away from the screen until I can either let it go or at least be civil.  But if I don't, I will admit to my feelings leaking out here.  

I assume something similar is going on for others here.  But I do not know.  I'll let others speak for themselves.

Edited to Add:  There is an answer here that is a perfect example of the dismissive attitude I'm talking about.  I generally don't talk much about my "experience" with adoption.  I didn't have a bad one.  But people want to dismiss my position as being due to my "bad experience."  That is, in fact, crazy-making.

Answer 7

Nobody seems to want to hear adoptees speak for themselves.  They want us mute.  It's really sad

Answer 8

This is why--(note, i'm taking an experct from some ones answer)--"Hey guess what hunny, I dont have issues either! Its just hard on here for people to understand that we actually DONT have issues.

I dont feel i have no identity, I dont feel a loss, i dont feel like i want to slit my wrists...........................oooops did I say that out loud? Mmm" Answer came from a Sarahhhhhhhhh.

She and her gang joke and make fun of people who have issues. Look where she is joking about sucide!!! That is very disgusting. I compeltely understand that people may not have issues with their adoption, but to make fun of or joke about sucide is just disgusting. NOONE should be told that because they have issues surrounding their adoption, that they are worthless or need to be made fun of. Sarahhhhhhhhh, like to bully people that have issues it makes her feel like she is in power.

Face it all people are different so they will deal with what life handed them differently. to make fun of someone and make them feel worthless because they deal with something differently is uncalled for.

Sarahhhhh and her gang have decided to try to make these adoptees who have had said they have adoption related issues to feel worthless.

Answer 9

AMEN! I said on here just last week I don't understand why people bad mouth the bio-parent! I am a mother of a 6 year old, i birthed her, and am raising her, my husband adopted her-(for those who don't get that its called step parent adoption) i have nothing bad to say about her bio dad- if anything i owe him a thankyou for doing what was best for her. People need to get over their own insecurities and fears and realize what a blessing adoption is!

Answer 10

I think it is because some don't want to hear that their is another side of the story other than their own.The ones with bad experiences don't want to hear that some had good ones and visa versa. I sometimes think the only thing most agree on in here is that the system needs many reforms so that it is more fair to everyone involved. Just weed through the insults, as there are many very good answers and opinions given here also.

Answer 11

There are some very distinct 'camps' on this site, which it to be expected with something dealing with something as emotional as the welfare of children.  

I do feel that many questions and answers are over the top.  And, I am surprised at the vehemence of some of the answers to what are pretty reasonable questions and the number of thumbs down for what are very reasonable answers.

Answer 12

Adoption is a very volital, emotional issue.  Some feel attacked when they aren't part of the majority.  It CAN get brutal here.  Some people feel aboption makes them who they are...some do not.  Those two groups tend to clash on a lot of the issues.