Are there any adoption specific play groups?

Question

I have a friend who is adopting a child. She feels very nervous about joining a traditional playgroup because she doesn't want to be looked at differently for adopting and because she doesn't want to hear about birth stories and other experiences that she didn't get to participate in. She would be more comfortable in a adoption specific mom's club or playgroup, but she hasn't been able to find any. Are there any (particularly in the North Texas area)?

Answer 1

Ha, who says playgroups are about the child?  Ideally yes, but most do it to also get out of hte house!  As for your friend, well hearing birthstories will never end, so I always then take my turn talking about something adoption specific.  (like how when I found out I celebrated with champagne, how many pregnant people can do that! hopefully none!!!)  So I keep my humour about me.  

But, I do see value in getting together with other adoption families as well, to normalize it, and to allow teh child to see ohter families formed this way.  Who knows life long friends may form.  So a good mix is always good.  (Also9 try to be in a playgroup with diversity of people, nothing more I hate seeing than a playgroup of just caucasian suburb women who have never even met someone from a differnt culture, diversity people!)

Answer 2

I agree with Cagney that play groups should be about the child. You and your child will be socializing the rest of your lives with non-adopted people. Your friend really needs to reconcile any issues she may have with not having given birth. She won't be able to avoid it in real life. It's just part of being a involved with adoption and certainly not a bad thing.

There are several adopted friends in my daughter's age group. None of her relationships with those friends are based on adoption status. They don't even talk about it.

ETA: I just realized I broke my own rule by giving advice instead of answering your question: Have your friend keep her ears and eyes open for other adoptive moms. Maybe you could form a group if you can't find one already established.

Answer 3

i'm going to be really honest here.  a play group is about the child, adopted or not.  if your friend is still having issues about not giving birth to a child then she really needs to work on that.  those feelings don't go away on their own.  

i've never heard of a play group for adopted children only.  personally i think that's awful. if your friend wants to speak with other adoptive parents there are adoptive parent groups.  she's going to have to face her issues of not giving birth soon.  i always reccomend doing so before you even start on the road to adoption.  or that child will end up being a 2nd choice or a filler for the adult.  

go to the park, find play groups.  any play group that would look or treat the child or parent differently simply because of adoption is not one you want to belong to anyway.  

but this should be about the child's social development, not the adults.  i'm not trying to be mean, but if she is that worried and uneasy about being around women who have given birth, she needs to speak to someone and work out her problems.

Answer 4

To answer the question, yes there are adoption play groups. My daughter and I are in two playgroups one is specific to Asian adoptees and the other is open to any family with adopted children.

However, there is no promise that some of the children in the play group will be birth children. About 1/3 of the adoptive families I know are not strictly adoptive; they have birth and adopted children.

She can talk to her local foster parents association to see if there are play groups through the foster system.

For those that think her friend needs to get counseling for infertility, give the woman a break. Some people have issues that are deeply rooted and will take a long time to over come. Look at some of the adult adoptees on this very list. We wouldn't tell them to just get counseling and get over it. Their feelings are real and should be validated. You are never given enough information on any of these forums to completely understand the situation and quite frankly, this question is coming in from a third party who doesn't give the full story. This woman has some legitamate feelings that quite honestly may or may not be healed once she adopts. I know I don't feel bad about not experiencing giving birth but I never had the deep drive to give birth I just wanted to be a mom. Some folks have longed to give birth or to create life and it is a big defeat when that dream (which should be a reality) dies.

Give the woman a break.

Answer 5

Your friend really needs to get over it, no offense. I mean is the kid going to go to special "adopted kids" school and "adopted kids" camp and play "adopted kids" sports?

Answer 6

Sounds like she never got over her infertility issues.

Those pregnancy/birth stories never end.  She's going to be uncomfortable a lot.

Just tell her to tough it out, then she'll have an inkling of the discomfort of her adopted child will feel his entire life.

Answer 7

Just when I thought I had heard it all ...

Please for the sake of this poor child - tell her that parenting is not about her.  It is about the child.  How on earth did she pass a home study?

Answer 8

Your friend's child has a birthstory even if they were adopted.  Your friend just needs to become comfortable sharing it when others share their labor stories.  I love telling folks the story of how we adopted our son regardless of the setting.

Maybe have her first try a group like gymboree or something.   You'll find she will be surprised that likely her child wont be the only adopted.

Answer 9

Honestly I think your friend needs a support group, not a play group. Being an AP has it's own set of challenges and having a good support system is crucial for any new parent.

My daughter has some err... issues. I have been to numerous play groups for different types of children, I didn't find a ton of support to be honest. My main support comes from her early intervention program worker, our early childhood educator and a support group for parents of children with disabilities. When we go to play groups my main focus is Payton having some fun while learning how to play with others and me having a coffee and a chat. Sometimes it is nice to just be a parent and not always have to be the parent of someone who is different. I like having time to be "me" again, Andrea instead of Payton's Mom. kwim?

So to end this rather long post I think your friend should to look to a group designed to meet her needs as an adult. Play groups do far more than allow us a chance to meet other people, they allow our children a way to socialize and learn valuable life lessons. Having a child who is considered different play with the "normals" give the parent an opportunity to expand their child's world.

Oh and some of the best advice I have gotten has been from parents of the "normal" kids. Not being directly involved with something often gives clarity to a situation, it is hard to be objective when talking about something so close to your heart.

Answer 10

Ok, so when your friend adopts, it would probably be a good idea for her to discontinue contact with her family (I'm assuming friend isn't adopted) because it wouldn't be fair to the adoptee to have to witness and associate with her adoptive mother and father's biological families - knowing that the adoptee has lost her or his family and identity.

Your friend should also refrain from exposing the adoptee from anything to do with genetics and ancestries. Probably not a good idea either to allow her to have friends with families who are biologically realted - that would be a constant reminder that the adoptee is not growing up with her or his mother, father, grandparets, aunts, uncles and cousins.

She should also be careful talking about anything to do with the adoptees's appearance and personality - better not to comment at all because the adoptee will wonder from whom sh/he interhited her looks and personality. - and that wouldn't be fair to the adoptee.

Answer 11

Yes, there are adoption play groups all over the place. Although I don't have very high recommendations for the one in my area.

True story.  I once took my son, who is not adopted and looks just like me (so it's pretty obvious) to the park where a play group of adopted children and their families were congregating.  I happened to know that this was a group of adoptive families because they were being interviewed for a news article in our local paper.  The little children in the group who were my son's age tried to play with him (he's delightful) but their parents kept shooing them away from him.  It took me a minute to realize it was because they didn't want their children mingling with a child who wasn't adopted.  I thought about mentioning to one of them that I was an adoptee. I wondered if they would allow my child to play by default.  But honestly, I was too nauseated from being pregnant with his little brother to put much energy into it.  And really, it was just shocking for me to see my kid get discriminated against by adults because he WASN'T adopted.  I didn't really know what to say.

All I know is that my adoptive mother would have never treated another child that way.  Adopted or not, she didn't care who I played with as long as they were nice.

By the way, your friend does realize that her adopted child has a birth story too, right?