Are there any errors in this short paragraph?

Question

Sunset in a desert is a frivolous thing, with all the indifference to the rest of the day; hot and dry with the sun always above. However, in a single pair of mysterious eyes, it is the most beautiful sight one can ever wish to witness. The only thing is that you really have to be looking for it, before you notice the differed beauty. The way the sun slowly sinks below the field of dunes, and ignites each miniscule grain of sand is like witnessing a rainbow of fire across the open expanse.

How would I fix it? =/

Answer 1

No commas in the third and fourth sentences.

Answer 2

Sunset in a desert is a frivolous thing with all the indifference to the rest of the day, hot and dry, with the sun always above. However; in a single pair of mysterious eyes it is the most beautiful sight one can ever wish to witness. The only thing is that one must really look for it before noticing the different beauty.  The way the sun slowly sinks below the field of dunes and ignites each miniscule grain of sand is like witnessing a rainbow of fire across the open expanse.

Answer 3

Line 5: You shouldn't use a comma directly before the word "and."

Answer 4

I wouldn't put a comma before "before" or before "and".

Answer 5

I assume this is for a creative writing project -- not academic writing...

One spelling error  'miniscule'  should be minuscule -- good job.

My main concern is with the first sentence.  The second clause is describing the desert, but it is far away from the noun it is modifying.  You can not use a semi colan becasue it is a fragment.  You might consider making two sentences...

Sunset in a desert is a frivolous thing, with all the indifference to the rest of the day.  Existence in the desert is hot and dry with the sun always above.  However....

This is my suggestion, but bear in mind that I teach academic writing, so I have a bias toward clear grammar.  This does not always apply in creative writing.

Also, I suggest removing the commas:

The only thing is that you really have to be looking for it before you notice the differed beauty.

-- and --

The way the sun slowly sinks below the field of dunes and ignites each minuscule grain of sand is like witnessing a rainbow of fire across the open expanse.

Good luck.   By the way, I like the imagery.

Answer 6

Int he second line you used a semi colon but "hot and dry in the summer sun" is not a full sentence. Semi colons are only supposed to be used when you have two complete sentences. Wow I am a writer and I love your work. It is great. Try and not put words like "you have to be looking for it."

Answer 7

No commas in fourth and fifth lines...also, why use second person "you" if you used "one" before?

Answer 8

That's beautiful. Some sentences are a little unclear, and you could simplify it a tad bit, but other than that its great! Did you write it?

Answer 9

indent first sentence, i dont no anything else

Answer 10

It's fine.

Answer 11

after that first comma it sounds awkward, from the comma to the semi colan

Answer 12

For the sake of being nice, I'm going to say, yes there are a lot of flaws in this paragraph. The imagery is a little unclear, the punctuation could use some work.