Are there any logical reasons not to encourage an open adoption?

Question

I can't think of any.

To clarify, I am not talking about adoption through foster care where there may very well be safety issues, but rather newborn domestic adoption.

Leaving selfishness, fear, insecurity (on everyone's parts) aside, what would be a good reason to either walk away from your child (from the first mom's POV) or deny your child the chance to experience their roots throughout their childhood (from the adoptive parents POV).

I adopted from China for a myriad of reasons, however, lack of contact with first families was not one of them. In fact, we placed that on the con list. I would have loved to have that relationship for my daughter, so it's hard for me to imagine either a first or adoptive parent shutting the door.

So I imagine there must be some good reason that good people make this choice.

Answer 1

I think that the best chance for an open adoption to work is if both sets of parents are honest and direct with their level of comfort and commit to keeping good boundaries in the relationship.  

I think that an open adoption will fail if one or both sets of parents are agreeing to something that they don't feel comfortable in following through or if there is too much blurring of the roles.  

Just my opinion.

Answer 2

I think you already know the reasons. Some young and even older mothers can and will not take their children into their lives. We, as a society, must take as many of these unwanted children as possible. There is  no other answer.

Now, I give you a conundrum. My husband and I could never have children and I always thought we were not financially apt to care for a child until I witnessed a neighbor who should never have been allowed to have a child and realized I could be a foster Mother. I would love to give of myself. So to whom do I ask?

Answer 3

I would only accept a closed adoption because the child I adopt is mine and mine alone. Just because some other person gave birth to him gives them no right or heritage in his life. I think you inherrit the culture and history of the people who adopted them, not some unassociated birthparent. For example, my children will be adopted from China or vietnam, but they will be 100% canadian as far as I am concerned, because that is where they are being raised, and that is where their real (adoptive) parents are from. I think fabricating that a child's herritage is from thier birth country (ie, insisting they are chinese even though they spent less than a year of thier life there) just creates holes in their identity and needless longing for their 'true homeland' or whatever, when really, they are where they belong, and they are the culture they grow up in

Answer 4

1) They're not being selfish. If you've ever seen Juno you'll know why.

2) It would be to sad for some people.

Answer 5

There is no excuse for closed secret adoption in this day and age.  None.

Other than for the reasons you stated (genuine safety risks) closed and secret adoptions are never in the best interests of the child.  After all, the best interests of the child is what adoption is supposed to be about, right.  

It seems to me that, sadly, infant adoption is practised to serve the needs of the adults involved and not the child.

Answer 6

There shouldn't be any reason, but people are selfish.  And if you adopted from China, then the reason is because of the one child policy.  I don't think that the parents care much about their kid unless it is a boy.

Answer 7

My oldest daughter was adopted by us when we lived in India.  Knowing and contacting her birth parents is not possible since they were not know at the time, there info was never recorded and we now no longer live in India.

My newest daughter was born in the same city we live in now and we do not want any sort of open adoption at all with her.  Her birth mother is young (28) and this was her 10th baby.  Yes, 10th.  Drugs and alcohol are the big factors in why my soon-to-be daughter was taken and is now in care.  The birth father wants nothing to do with her and is currently in jail.  He has long standing drug, gang and organized crime ties and is not someone I want in my daughters life or near my other family members.  

If this was a simple matter of an unwed mother or something similar we would consider it but given this particular situation there is no way we are going to allow anything other then anonymous letters through a third party. Its more of a security issue for my family and a child protection issue for my daughter.  

It isn't always insecurity or selfishness.

Answer 8

I personally don't think so.

I am a birth mother and I never could have placed my son if the adoption weren't open.  

It is better for the child because they won't have to live with a secret.  People who don't know where or whom they came from are troubled.  It is better for the birth mother because she won't constantly wonder and regret.  It is better for the adoptive parents because their child will be healthier for it.  Plus, that way everyone gets a new family and friends.

Answer 9

A drug addicted mother, prostitute mother or a mother that was a victim of rape are all good reasons Id imagine....you're child should never have to know any of those things....better they know nothing then know their father was a rapist....

Answer 10

idk state made it so I was a closed adoption

Answer 11

I think each situation is different.  If both parties can handle it in a way that is best for the child then I think it is right to encourage an open adoption.  If they can't then it is best for the child not to be subjected to it.  IT is really up to the birth parents and adoptive parents to determine what is best for them.  You can't really put those realities aside.  What i do however believe should happen is that records should be available and open to a child in a private adoption if they choose to locate birth parents later on in life.

Answer 12

No one can judge any one adoption.  Open adoption works for some.  I would encourage it more than not.  Times change and in the end most children DO tend to want to find and have a "relationship" of some sort with their biological birth Mother.  The sad part comes when this is denied.  The child searches and searches and ends up feeling bad feelings towards the adoptives parents in not allowing these things.  Put things into prosepctive knowing that children do grow up and will one day want to know the truth.  IF you bring your kids up with love and respect you have nothing to worry about.

Answer 13

Very occasionally, there are issues with prenatal substance abuse or neglect that would cause me to think twice about keeping an adoption open, as would dealing with a mother with an abusive boyfriend.  Of course, I would think twice about entering into ANY adoption agreement with someone like that.

There was a short list of reasons we gave our son's mom that we would close his adoption (cut contact).  They included things that would have been completely out of character for her, like abusing drugs or alcohol, or becoming involved in a physically abusive relationship, and refusing to get out of it, or being convicted of a felony.

From a mother's point of view, I can see closing the adoption of a child of rape or incest, especially if the child looked strikingly like the father.

Answer 14

For me personally I think it messes with the mind, the child s mind, and both mothers minds.

The First Mother wondering if one day the family will just uproot and disappear or they stop any contact

The Adoptive Mother wondering if the natural Primal Biological connection will over shadow her role

The child wondering why she/he has a mother that didn't want her full time but is happy with the odd visit

It will work for *some* people but not for all, it might start out with good intent but can become very greyed.

For a very select few it will work out beautifully all round but for the majority it wont.

Because that is human nature

Answer 15

As a professional, I can say that Juno, while entertaining was the most insulting movie to EVERY involved in an adoption process...

Yep...you just hand over your baby and the next year you're off singing in the rain with the birth father never a care in the world......

I'm not saying adoption is bad, I think in many cases, voluntary adoptions may be the best thing for everyone....but I only work in special needs (foster care) adoptions.

As a professional, I cannot think of any reason at all not to encourage open adoption in some form or another.  

All adopted children should know they are adopted (yes in this day and age there are still people not telling their kids)..first it is a basic right to know your truth, second there is no shame in it, third how can a child trust you if you can't tell them the truth.  Children should ALWAYS know it, it shouldn't be something you sit and and tell them, because it will never get easier, there will never be a right time.

That said, the degree of openess depends on the situation...in my cases the parents are a threat to the safety of the children.  So, no contact at all, even extended birth family has to be carefully monitored because I've had cases where Sally went to her biological brother's birthday who lives with auntie and auntie let the father come.....Sally was back in therapy and having nightmares within hours years of therapy POOF!

I have cases where birth family respects and recognizes the threat too..you just have to be careful.

As a mom, I just can't imagine lying to my child...my children are not adopted, but I can't imagine not trusting them enough to tell them or asking them to trust me if I didn't.

As a woman, I think of things like the breast cancer gene, or mental illness or even alcoholism...those things are all genetic.  Children need to know what they may be up against.

I don't think there are any good reasons, I think people talk themselves into the fact that they are good reasons...mostly it is insecurity in their role as a parent...I've seen people say "it is too confusing for them, it is just to hard for them to understand,"when in fact, it is the adult that cannot deal.