Are there any other adoptee's besides myself who view their adoption as a good thing?

Question

There's a lot of talk about how adoptee's feel that something is missing, or go through identity crisis because they had no choice at birth. I had a great childhood with parents that love me. I was told at an early age that I was adopted, and while I sometimes wonder what the circumstances were behind my birth mother making her decision, I don't get sad about it. There was a time when I thought I needed to know more about her and needed to meet her, but the more I look at it, the more I realize she doesn't matter in my life.....she never has. She gave me life, and by giving me to a loving family she gave me A LIFE, and for that I'm grateful, but the relationship stops there for me. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else not feel the need to tell every person they meet that they're adopted? It's just not that big of a part of me, and I'm wondering if other adoptee's feel the same. Thanks.

Answer 1

I respond to adoption differently at different times of my life.  There have been times I can say that I absolutely didn't think about it at all. I wasn't in a fog, I was focusing on other things in my life, some good, some not so good.  Adoption at times has been a very small part of my identity.

With my kids growing up so fast I  have become very aware that, yes, genetics do play a huge role in who you are.  Genetics do help you understand your child on a deeper level.  That has led to some soul searching about my identity as an adoptee and how it affects me.

That said, I have always seen my adoption as a good thing.   I was an unplanned pregnancy and ended up with a wonderful family. It was a choice that led to a great life and to my own family.  I really don't have room in my heart to be bitter, too many things have worked out really well.  That's just me.

I don't tell people I'm adopted unless it somehow comes up. But I do feel that it is a big part of my identity.  I just don't see it necessarily as a bad part of my identity.  It just is who I am.  

People respond differently to being adopted for many reasons.  No two people have the same perspective.  Those who struggle are no more or less enlightened than those who do not.

Answer 2

There was a time in my life where I thought I felt fine about being adopted.  I never talked about it and never particularly thought about it.  I felt like my brothers were my 'real' brothers, and my parents were my 'real' parents, and that was that.

Even after I reunited with my bio parents and had my own bio children, I still would tell anyone if it came up in conversation, "The parents who raised me, are my only parents.  My bio parents are just the people who made me."

Then my kids starting growing up, and I started to notice something strange and amazing.  I started to notice that they're A LOT like me.  Way more than my adoptive family ever was.  It goes WAY beyond nurture.  They think like me, they have the same interests and same sense of humor.  They're good at the same things I'm good at, and suck and the things I suck at.  And there's just this really, really strong CONNECTION.

Then I started to think about my bio parents and realize that I shared all these things with them, too.  The difference is that they didn't raise me, so that connection never really got a chance to grow strong like it did with me and my children.  

I realize now that even though my adoptive parents raised me well, treated me just like my brothers, that special connection would just never be there between me and them....and it won't ever really be there with my bio parents either since I didn't grow up with them.  

I just didn't get the chance to have that amazing experience of being raised by people who really understood me and had a deep family tie with growing up and there's nothing that can be done about it.   I can't go back and change the past.  I just have to appreciate that I was finally able to experience it with my own children, and I'm thankful for that.

Answer 3

I'm glad i was adopted. My father that i live with has anger issues, but i love that i was adopted. it's special to me

Answer 4

I do. I have always considered my adoptive family to be my "real" family. They love me, and raised me extremely well. I never felt like I was missing anything, because they gave me all I needed.

A few months ago, I was contacted by my biological brother, and let me tell you, my biological family is such a mess. I have always felt grateful that they gave me to a loving family instead of trying to take care of a child they weren't ready for, but those feelings are so much stronger now. They may be blood, but my real family has always been and always will be the one that raised me.

Answer 5

Yes I do view my adoption as a good thing. If I had not been adopted I would not be the person I am today. My mom and dad are the people who raised me. I have met some in my biofathers family and they are great people (he was not). I went through the typical teenage years of wondering what they looked like etc. but my grams showed me pictures of them and I was satisfied. I don't wish my bio mom bad as from all I was told she was a good woman. I have never met her and probably never will as I have no desire to. My past is simply my past. I am not and never have been the type of person to sit around and dwell on the past or to think what if. The what if's don't change the what is. I live for today and for the future. When I am sad about my mom it's about my mom that raised me and the fact that her and my dad are both gone and I miss them both terribly. I do not miss the one who had me as I have no memory of her so to me there is nothing to miss. I was never treated differently than anyone else in my family. I don't feel the need to make it known that I was adopted. In fact my mom and I would always laugh and say it's kinda funny that we have no "blood" between us but we look alike and have many of the same personality traits. For that I will always be glad. I had a mom and dad that loved me and I loved them with all my heart (still do) I wouldn't have had it any other way and am so glad they are my mom and dad.

Answer 6

There seems to be a complex set of emotions here, so I doubt anyone feels exactly like you feel.  

I had good, loving parents and was told at an early age that I was adopted.  So I share that part of your complex emotional state.

I don't feel like my first mom doesn't matter in my life.  I'm not sure how I could.  Much of who I am comes from DNA.  Though she didn't raise me, she has been very much a part of my life.  So I don't share that aspect of your complex emotional state.

I don't feel the need to tell every person I meet that I'm adopted, so another part we share.

It is, however a big part of me.  So another part we don't share.  (With all due respect, though, I wonder if we don't share more of this than it might seem at first.  After all, you identify yourself as an adoptee, and you seem to be looking for others who feel exactly as you feel, as though you seek validation.  That suggests that maybe being adopted is a bigger part of who you are than you suggest here.  But if not, then it's just another part we don't share.  But I also wonder why you would ask.  You have the right to ask, to be sure, but if adoption doesn't matter to you, I don't know why the answer to this question matters to you.  But that's just my own innate curiosity, I suppose.)

Answer 7

Yes, there are others who feel content with their adoptions, and no, they aren't in a *fog* or some other BS. Different people have different reactions to different things, and people who can't accept these differences are no different than those who insist that adoptees in pain should just *get over it*.

I am happy and content with my adoption. My mom has always been open about my adoption, and I was always able to talk about it or play *what are my bparents like?* with her. I know my bmom, and she also believes I was raised by the correct family - my family. Does that mean others have emotions that are wrong for them? No, of course not. Does it mean that you should have more pain or questions? No, it doesn't. Whatever you feel is right for you - if you want to announce that you are adopted, go for it, and if you want to keep it to yourself, go for it. And whatever you do, don't let anyone else make you feel badly or guilty about what you feel.

Answer 8

well, maybe when you come out of your fog you'll feel differently.

i hate adoption and no, i am not happy i was tossed on my ear by the woman who created me.  it's pretty insulting.

that being said, i absolutely adore my aparents, had a wonderful childhood and STILL needed to meet my borth mother.,  i am glad i did.  it gave me closure.

Answer 9

Firstly, I don't tell most folks that I'm adopted.  Here, I do, of course, as this is the topic of the forum.  If being adopted was nothing much to me, I doubt I'd ever have shown up on Y!A in the adoption section.

All adoptions begin with a loss.  Whether or not, and to what degree, a person feels that loss is individual.  However, it's not for anyone to judge how another experiences it.  It's not "right" or "wrong" to feel it or not, nor is it a sign that a person is strong or weak depending on how much, if at all, a person feels it.  We are all made differently and feel similar situations differently.  

Now then, as the adopted person, I am not the only one who felt that loss.  It turned out that I have an entire first family -- on two sides -- that experienced that loss quite profoundly.  I have to consider them, as well, when I look at whether or not my adoption was a "good thing."  Certainly, too, parents who relinquish their children don't always know whether or not their children will be raised by a "loving family" or not.  This was particularly the case in the not so distant past.  Some of us got good families, but some didn't.  I'm quite saddened by the lousy, abusive situations in which some adoptees found themselves.  It's not safe to assume that adoption = a "loving family."  Some first parents also have had to live with knowing that their children didn't get the intended good life they had hoped their children would receive when they entrusted them to others.

Here I am as an adult adopted citizen.  When my first parents relinquished me, there was nothing that would stand in the way of me having all of the same rights as every other citizen.  Nearly a year down the road after being given up, when I was still not adopted, there was still nothing standing in the way of it.  Then, I got adopted.  A judge signed an adoption order.  Bam!  Just like that, my pre-adoptive history was sealed away.  Clearly, it had nothing to do with my first family.  If it had, they would have sealed that information up as soon as they gave me up.  It had to do with the adoption itself.  So, unlike any non-adopted person, I, as a citizen of California, cannot have access to my OWN factual birth  record.  Tell me, what is the government doing keeping that from me when it doesn't keep it from any other adult citizens?  Why does the state stick its nose in *my* business in an area in which it doesn't stick its nose in other peoples' business?  It's because I'm adopted.

I don't need that record in order to know my first family.  I already know them all.  But, I do want to be treated equally under the law.  Having been ADOPTED, (NOT RELINQUISHED) took away the right to be seen equally in the eyes of the law in 44 states.  

There is nothing good about discriminatory treatment under the law.  If my parents had given me up and I'd never been adopted, the state would not have sealed my own birth record -- something very personal, indeed -- from me.  But, the simple fact that one day, a year after relinquishment, someone adopted me, caused the state to view me as somehow less equal and 'deserving' than other citizens.

ETA:

I'm not understanding some of what you've replied to me, as I'm talking about me, not you.  As I said, *I personally* DO feel adoption is a pretty big thing in my life, so I'm here.  Among some other things, It has affected how the law treats me.   In my view, how the law treats adopted citizens is important.  You asked why I'm here.  Well, that's why I'm here.   As far as the intended response pool for your question, usually, people here are pretty OK with anyone responding to any question, so I did not think it wasn't OK for me to respond.

As far as difficulty in receiving my records, I've never received my records.  Until the law gives re-instates equal treatment under the law to adopted citizens in California, it is likely that I won't.  It's not the document itself so much as it is knowing that all adoptees are viewed equally by law to their non-adopted counterparts.

Answer 10

I can agree with one thing you wrote

"I had a great childhood with parents that love me. I was told at an early age that I was adopted,"

Every other word I completely disagree with. Tell me what sort of a family do you have ? do you have siblings ? when you look at a family portrait do you look like the lemon in the Orange Tree ?

My family Looks nothing like me, My family are nothing like me or I them, we do not understand each other. Despite being brought up in a very loving stable *want for nothing* home they are still nothing like me and I nothing like them.

That there is the cause of an identity crisis to start with....

All my life looking in a mirror 'who am I'

That question was first answered when my daughter was born and there were my eyes and mouth and lips and other features staring back at me, and again when my son was born.

That question was again answered when i met my Very first Blood Relative, a cousin and spent some time with her..Her first reaction to me was OH MY GOD you look exactly like ALL OF US. and then as she got to talk to me and know me, it was OH MY GOD You ARE One of us, you act and talk just like ALL OF US.

And its there in full print as well when i look at my Mother, sister, Aunties, Grandmother etc...I look like them, thats my family thats who I 'belong to' but I never had that chance to 'belong' to them because the one person who is supposed to look after you , cherish you, the one person who you are supposed to trust implicitly ups and hands you over to another family to raise you as a lemon in a orange tree...

For you to state that your Mother who gave birth to you doesn't matter in your life is fine to say, but there are other ways in which it will actually *be a part of you* but you just don't realize it / what it is

Adoption leaves a stain upon the heart and soul that you just can NOT remove, no matter how much you profess that it doesn't bother you.

You may be lucky and go through the rest of your life until you are 6 ft under feeling this way, and thats fantastic for YOU, but what about your children ? if you have any ? Perhaps they would like to know their roots , where they came from, what their medical, cultural, personality backgrounds are made of.

It isn't just all about *you* and your feelings about adoption and your mother who gave birth to you...there are future generations that it can impact upon as well..