Are there any "unselfish" reasons to become a parent?

Question

I've heard many times that adopting is selfish. People who adopt because they want to "save" someone or to save their marriage, etc. is selfish. I agree. But I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about people who just want to be parents and that is equated with selfish. Again, I agree. BUT, I don't see that as a bad thing. Frankly, I believe that people should only adopt (and give birth) because they want to be parents. People can dress themselves up in the idea that it's not about them becoming parents that it's solely to provide a family for a child that needs one and becoming a mom is simply a happy consequence and secondary. Sorry, but I don't believe you. Nobody jumps through all the hoops, fills out the endless paperwork & endures the emotional rollercoaster who does not really want to be a parent. Does anyone really believe that having a child biologically is NOT selfish? Wanting to become a mom is primal and I don't believe giving birth is any less selfish.

Answer 1

My friend's parents had three kids of their own... once their three kids grew up, they decided to adopt 4 older children (3 sisters and one brother, all related) who had been in the system their entire lives...   They originally were only looking at two of the sisters before they found out there were two other children out there and were able to track them down and adopt the entire family to keep them together.

They did it because they had a huge house that provided enough room for everybody and because they felt they could provide for these kids what the system could not.  So many older children are never adopted because everybody wants an infant that they can press their own morals and values on to and because nobody wants to deal with the emotional issues that are typical of older kids who've been through the system.

This family in particular even got all four children the mental heath care that they needed... They weren't 'saviors.'  They were parents.  They loved them just as much as their biological children and provided the adopted children with the same opportunities... Why?  Because they had plenty of love to give.  Why not?

The oldest sister just got married last month.  The two middle sisters are both going to UW-Madison.  The youngest, the brother, is severely autistic but is happy and healthy.

I don't know... maybe you'll argue with me and tell me that they're being selfish by trying to be 'saviors' or whatever... but honestly, I think they do these things because they are honestly good people.  If there were more people like them in the world, there wouldn't be nearly so many neglected kids bouncing from foster home to foster home.

It's the nature of every animal to procreate.  Selfish or not, we're going to keep making babies.  But I do have to agree with you on one thing... people should ONLY adopt and give birth because they want to be parents.  The particular family I mentioned wanted to KEEP being parents.  And they did a fantastic job.

Answer 2

I'm going to keep this simple. I think there is a "good" selfish and a "bad" selfish.

If you are selfish in a way that makes you determined to be the best parent you can be because you want and will love that child as much as anyone can, I would call that a good selfish.

If you want a child so badly that you don't care who you hurt in the process, including the child, that would obviously be a bad "selfish."

I think that there will always be a desire to parent and there should be. However, when that desire overrides the best interests of the child, that is where I have a problem.

Answer 3

Having kids cause you want them is selfish but so is having s*x because you're horny.

Answer 4

Hi Kazi,

My answer would be no.  Wanting to become a parent is all about you/me/us.  We are programmed that way thru survival of the species.  Initially we set out to satisfy our own desire to become parents.

Here is where i feel that biology and adoption separate.  Once going thru the adoption route, your journey should be all about the child.  The child's needs must come first.  True most parents end up there anyway (putting the child first) after the child is born.  

Adoption is more challenging, you have to put a child's needs ahead of your own.  I cringe when i hear, *i* want a girl baby, *i* want a baby with brown skin, and will *i* get to choose the baby *i* want?  That is where the *selfish* comes into play.  Adoption here is all about meeting the needs of the Pap, not the child.  So before the child is even here, paps have to step outside the box and try to be the parent a child needs.  In biology a parent would be eased into this situation.

The other angle of *selfish* in adoption that comes to my mind is doing whatever possible to get the end result a baby.  Here again paps have to put the child's needs first.  Try justifying to your child one day, that i pressured your other mother into choosing adoption cause i knew i'd be the better parent.  This is where coercion, finances and all the other complexities of adoption come into play.  Every option should be tried to keep mother and child together before adoption.  That is putting the child's needs first.  

pap's and ap's have to realize that our desire to be a parent thru adoption comes with a price.  Someone will have to pay that price and it won't be us.  Selfish?  IDK but it sure sounds like it and this is something i struggle with daily.  Adoption thru foster care would't have these ramifications, in my mind.

Very thoughtful question.

Answer 5

No, there are no unselfish reasons to want to be a parent.  But there are unselfish reasons to want to adopt.  Once you've decided to be a parent, if it is your decision that you're going to be parents via adoption, you'd best make darn sure your reasons for adopting aren't selfish.  Because one day, those kids are going to start asking questions.  They're not the baby you went through the process for forever.

Wanting to "be a parent", and wanting to adopt, are two very different decisions, and they should have different reasoning.  Wanting to adopt simply because you want to be a parent isn't good enough.  A lot more thought needs to go into being an adoptive parent, than just being a parent.

ETA:  Sunny has a very good point.  You'd better have a d**n good reason for wanting to parent someone else's child.  Nature dictates the desire to be a parent...it does NOT dictate the separation of natural families to soothe that desire.  Deciding to be an adoptive parent has to be a separate process from deciding to be a parent.

ETA2:  Again, the decision to become an ADOPTIVE parent must be a separate process than deciding to become a parent.  There are no unselfish reasons to want to be a  parent, and yes, you should want to be a parent before even considering adoption.  But once you've decided to become a parent, and you're looking at your options, if you decide to become a parent via adoption, you need to examine your reasons, and they should be unselfish.  Two completely separate processes, which NEED different answers.  Wanting to be a parent is not reason enough to take someone else's child permanently into a strange family, change their name and birth information, take them from their heritage, culture, etc.  If your reasons for doing THAT are selfish, you'll be answering to your kids one day.  Disagree with me all you want, I'm not your kid, and I'm not the one who needs to understand your reasons.

Answer 6

Do what you want!  Don't worry about what others think.  It's your life.  You're saving a child.  If you want to call yourself selfish for that, go right ahead.  It's your life!

Answer 7

In a big argument with my dad about him not stepping up to the plate for our family, I threw in the "I didn't ask to be here, you wanted me here, now deal with the responsibility."  I thought that it was a brilliant point and it didn't go over so well with him.

I'm a parent know and realize that my job is to provide a wonderful life for my son because I wanted him here.  He has brought so much joy to my family and so much happiness.  I only hope that I can provide him happiness, security, and an education that will enable him to support himself as an adult.  Love, that's a given!

Answer 8

Having a child biologically is not selfish. Some people want to truly be parents (my husband and I) and we are physically unable to have our own biological children. We truly want to be "parents" and our only way to do that is to adopt...and instead of being those "selfish" people who only want babies and have to go out of the borders to get it, we are staying inside our borders and found two beautiful boys who need a family and want parents. We want to be those parents. Is that selfish? I truly don't feel that it is, but others may think it is. We want to be parents to provide a good loving home for children. If that is selfish, then you need to reevaluate what a parent means.

Answer 9

Probably not.

But my bio kids have NO other parents.

I didn't take them from someone else.

Answer 10

I think an unselfish reason is that that child could grow up and do something wonderful.

Answer 11

You have an interesting point but I don't think that it is ALWAYS selfish to want children. When people adopt poor starving kids from overseas it is a selfless act. That is just what I believe though. Adoption is giving unwanted children a chance at life.

Answer 12

Here we go again with the fundamental myth in adoption: that it is no different to giving birth to your own child.

Wanting to be a parent is fine.

But Adoption is about the needs of a child.

Answer 13

The desire to be a parent is selfish. Parenting is selfless. There is NO difference in being a bio or adoptive parent in this context. Both set out on the path of parenthood for the same general reasons (the desire to love, teach, watch them grow, tec) and both require exceptional dedication and perseverence to see your children well into adulthood.

It is too easy for people to say that adoptive parents are selfish because most of them have not walked in our shoes. It takes more than a uterus to make a mother. I may not have carried my daughter for the nine months before she was born, but I have carried her every moment in the three years since.

Answer 14

I agree in theory....I am 'selfish'. I wanted to be a parent. I wanted to raise a child, see his/her goals, words, and imagination....his/her smiles and laughter. I didn't adopt to 'save' a child. I adopted b/c we discussed it and thought we might be able to positively impact a foster child as parents. So, yes, I am 'selfish' for wanting an adoptive child to love and raise. I think that selfishness comes when people order children like they order products on the internet or food at the drive through window....hold the pickles, onions, and mayo, add mustard.....etc. I think there are many people who want such specific children that their wishes become the selfish part.....as though they are trying to buy or coerce a child that is perfectly healthy, a baby, and looks just like the AP's. In this way, I think some adoptions/AP's are extremely selfish.

I don't think the wanting of a child is selfish by itself....as we all feel that to some degree....but when we start making very specific demands of that child prior to ever knowing him/her, yes, that is extrodinarily selfish. We asked that our child be able to communicate with us.....outside of that, we didn't care about his/her age, s*x, race, problems, background, etc. The moment he first walked into the room is the moment our hearts melted for him...I can't begin to imagine our lives without him and I can't even describe how much we love him....he is my first and last thought each day, and he brings me more joy that I have ever known...simply by being himself. So, yes, I am very selfish....look at everything he does for me!! I hope to be the parent he needs me to be. I hope he can come to me and talk with me about his joys, fears, doubts, and worries, both about regular life and about his adoption. I hope to champion his rights as an adoptee and I absolutely want to help him with his search for his bio family--if he so wishes.

My child has had a difficult early life and his adoption came at a high cost....the loss of his bio family, the loss of his identity, the loss of his birth certificate, his family medical records, and his half-sibling. While we are thrilled to have been chosen as his parents, it is not without a trace of sadness....over his personal loss. He will have to deal with all of that pain one day....many days, probably. It is my job to love him, support him, honor his heritage, culture, and roots, and to help him to become the wonderful man I know he will be. I am selfish b/c I WANT to do all of that so much!!

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.