Are there any really good jokes out there?

Question

I've been searching on Y! answers and I found many funny ones but not funny enough. I tend to have a slight/normal laugh or just a smile.. I looking for one where I laugh in tears.. I haven't laughed like that in 6 months and I would love to have some humor back. I don't care if you link it or type it out, just put as many of the really funny ones as you can.

The funniest one gets best answer (if possible).

Answer 1

All the funny ones have been used.  

Answer 2

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Answer 3

Hope you like em!

On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major s***w up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to h**l.

IN h**l:

The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.

Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.

The Pope: Worry not, my son.

24 hours later:

Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.

The Pope: Sure thing.

On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.

The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.

Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

Blonde in first Class (Added On: 2007-02-25 Rating : 3.42 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....

The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....

The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..

He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."

Answer 4

husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks

over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?  Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND:  "****."