Are there some regrets with adult children of adopted parents finding their birth mom?

Question

Oh god.. someone has issues...

Answer 1

Not really an answer, but to those who are offended by the  "adult child issue."

I have children, they are adults. Does that make them NOT my children? No, they are my adult children!

EDIT: I DO understand the issue. Adopted adults should NOT have to  ask anyone's permission to access their personal information.

Answer 2

Firstly, grandma_birdy65 has good insight on this, and she's not even adopted!  

Anyway, no I have no regrets at all about finding my natural family.  Even though I found a grave with my first mom (she committed suicide 7 months prior to finding her) I have answers.  Knowing is better than not knowing in my book.  There's always something to be said for the truth, you know.  Besides, I have a good relationship with my natural grandfather on this side of the family.

Now, finding my natural dad and extended family is a different story.  He's alive and well.  We have had a fabulous relationship from the day we reunited, going on 7 years ago.  The whole family didn't welcome me into their lives -- they welcomed me BACK into their lives.  I'm really blessed to have them in my life.  I'm also glad I finally searched because they were searching for me, but I was a whole lot harder to find because they didn't think my first name was going to be changed.

None of this had anything at all to do with my aparents and my relationship with them.  It didn't change it , like some people seem to think it would.  I wasn't looking for a "new" or "replacement" family.  I was looking for answers and I just happened to get a whole lot more along with it.  Speaking of my afamily, this is a rough time of the year for me because Feb. 3 is not only my amother's birthday, it is the 3rd anniversary of her death.  I miss her very much.

BTW, I know the term "adult child" has some sociological popularity, but it's still an oxymoron -- sort of like "jumbo shrimp."

Answer 3

I can answer without hostility on this one, I am an adoptie and yes I have met both my biological parents.

There is not one day that goes by that I do not thank the power I believe in that I was removed from this violent alcoholic home.

I personally have no regrets on what I found, only confirmation that good choice was made for my life when I was a child.

I always knew, so maybe that is why I did not have any false expectations on what I would find when I met them.

I am today a happy healthy 50 yr old because I was adopted.

Answer 4

My father was adopted as a very young child.  His memories of his birth parents are horrific -- neglect, abuse, the death of two siblings, etc.  He was adopted by a wonderful couple and became very close to his Dad.  My grandparents kept my Dad in touch with his brother (who was also adopted into a single child family).  I was blessed to have both sets of a. parents as grandparents.  My Dad has had contact with the remainder of his birth siblings, but never had the desire to reunite with his birth parents before their deaths.

Probably because of my father's experience, my sister chose to give up her baby girl for adoption.  My sister was in an abusive relationship at the time, fleeing from one domestic violence shelter to another.  The birth father agreed to the adoption (under state law, he got a lucrative settlement from the adoptive parents).  My sister has an "open" adoption.  She does not see or speak to her daughter, but she maintains contact with her daughter's a. parents and shares pictures, letters, etc.  My niece has started asking questions about her birth family and I was allowed to share information and pictures with her a. parents on our family history and extended family.  I look forward to the day when she initiates contact and when she, her a. brother and her a. parents can be absorbed into our extended family.  In the meantime, I am so grateful that a wonderful couple took my niece into their hearts and made her their daughter.  I am hoping that, when contact is initiated by my niece, she will see the situation her birth mom was in and be thankful for the decision that was made to place her into a loving home.

In my humble opinion, there will always be regrets in an adoption situation.  I know my sister "regrets" not being able to parent her daughter, although she does NOT regret giving her a chance at a stable and happy home life.  My Dad has voiced no regrets in his decision to NOT contact his birth parents.  I think each situation will be different because each adoptee and each birth parent is unique.

Answer 5

Why are adoptees always considered "children" when they grow up and become LEGAL adults? Do you think that this could be because the govt. makes us get our aparents permission to access some of our non identifying information and won't even give us our identifying information even WITH their permission in 44 states?

I am NOT an "adult" child, I am an adult.

If an aparent express a "regret" because their adopted ADULT finds their first family, then the aparent NEVER should have adopted in the first place. Its not about THEM, and they've had PLENTY of YEARS to deal with the reailty that their child CAME FROM someone else, and will one day, possibly search for and reunite with them.

I don't have any HOSTILITY, i'm annoyed with being treated like an adult child for the last 9 years of my adult life. You'd be annoyed too if it happened to you. Only until you have been suppressed do you understand the pain of suppression.

Answer 6

After six years of searching, I never had a face to face reunion with my first mother.  We don't communicate now.  As far as I can tell we don't have have much in common apart from appearance.  She still seems ashamed of herself for having made me in the first place.

But I have more information than I had before.  How could I regret that?

Answer 7

I was adopted and my biological father found me.  He is immature and a complete mess.  My life was better before he found me.   I'm glad I know who he is, but really I don't need a person like that in my life.  I took a year to get him to stop trying to be in my life and I'm glad he's gone.

Answer 8

noellezsassy:

Your question is ambiguous.

I think what you mean is: "Do the adoption parents have regrets when the person they adopted finds their birth parents?"

I guess this situation could be bitter-sweet. However, the question that I would ask is: "Who is the parent", or "What is the definition of a parent."

Giving birth is plenty of work - being in a difficult pregnancy (that is, where giving up the baby is being considered) when the easy way out is abortion. And then giving up a newborn or young baby. This must be difficult.

But then the adopting parents do all the 'heavy lifting'. Caring for and educating their child till adulthood is what gives them the right to be called 'Dad and Mom'.

My thoughts!

Jin Ju

Answer 9

Just my opinion and I'm not speaking from experience. ( I had my natural parents but occasionally wished I was adopted) As long as you are emotionally stable and secure in your life you should have no regrets about searching for your biological parent/s. It could be of benefit knowing your family medical history. You may embrace a new relationship and as long as your emotionally stable before finding them, if things don't work out you really haven't lost anything you hadn't already lost years ago. I hope this helps and wish you luck whatever decision you make

Answer 10

I know this isn't an answer to your question, but the first answerer really needs a reply.  Everyone is an "adult child" of something.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you were adopted.  I'm the adult child of my parents...all adults are.  I'm still their child, and will be until the day I die.  That term is not meant to imply that you're still a child...if it were, we would ALL still be viewed as children, regardless of whether we're adopted.

Answer 11

adult children is an oxymoron...

do you mean to ask, "are there any adult adoptees who regret finding his or her birthmom?" or "are there any adoptive parents who regret when an adopted child seeks to find his or her birthmom?

Answer 12

Only that I didn't do it sooner.  I was 22.  Have been in reunion for over 20 yrs.

Answer 13

I don't have regrets having found my first mom.  I have had a positive experience with reunion, but I prepared myself for anything (grave, rejection, etc.).  Finding anything was preferable to not knowing.  The positive relationship we have developed was a bonus.  Restoring my history, my heritage, my origins, was the main impetus behind my search.  

BTW, what is an adult child?

Answer 14

Adult child eh?  No wonder I look so young!  Thanks adoption!

Now really, of course I have regrets.  Reuniting with my firstmother has been the most challenging thing I've ever been through.

My husband has a great analogy for it.  He says it's kind of like when someone dumps you and then after some time has passed wants to be friends with you only it's on a much bigger scale because it's your mom and it's been thirty years.

Yeah...that'll s***w with your head.

Answer 15

Ditto to everything Gershom & PhilM said!  

I have one HUGE regret! That I didn't search 5 years EARLIER, as soon as I turned 18!  

It's been 25 years since I searched & found my first mom.  Back then, I had no idea how or were to begin my search. It is the best thing I did for myself.

BTW - I'm also an "Adult Child of Alcoholics". My adopted parents were alcoholics.  Imagine that!

Oh yes, and even knowing my information, I cannot get a copy of my original birth certificate without my parent's permission. Someday, I hope to grow up enough so I can make my own decisions about my life.

ETA: Thanks gradmabirdy65...you GET IT!  

JinJu...sorry, girl, but you don't!

Elodie, the difference lies in being TREATED like a child vs. as an adult...that's the issue. As an adult, I shouldn't need my parents written permission to obtain my information or associate with other adults, but the LAW says I do.

My a.parents supported me in my search. But now that 3 (of 4) parents have passed, I need to provide proof of their deaths in lieu of their written permission.  Yes I need ALL 4 to approve in writing.