PERFECT
Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word
"p*nis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's
friend asked him if he knew what a p*nis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when
he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a p*nis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show
you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants
and proudly announced, "Son, that's a p*nis. Not only is it
a p*nis, but it's a perfect p*nis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and
took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and
said, "See that? That's a p*nis." He paused for a moment
and added, "Not only is it a p*nis, but if it were two
inches shorter, it'd be a perfect p*nis!"
BORED
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the
first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens,
cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the
nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take
the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew
up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A BAT STORY
A Vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other
bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't!"
The Postman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they
presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house
he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing
negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where
she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom
edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea."
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