Did you hear about the idiot who found a feather in his bed?
He thought he had chicken pox?
Did you hear about the man who heard a mouse squeaking one night?
He got up to oil it!
Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He kept popping out of bed all night!
Did you hear about the man who slept under an old tractor?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
Did you hear about the parents who called their baby 'Caffeine?'
It kept them awake all night!
Do elephants snore?
Only when they're asleep.
'Doctor, doctor, how can I cure myself of sleepwalking?'
'Put drawing-pins on the bedroom floor.'
'Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.'
'Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you'll soon drop off.'
'Doctor, doctor, I haven't slept for days.'
'Why not?'
"Because I sleep at night!'
'Doctor, doctor, I wake up feeling terrible! My head spins and the room goes round and round!'
'You must be sleeping like a top!'
'Doctor, doctor, I walk in my sleep!'
'Remember to take money for the bus, then!'
Doctor, doctor, I'm always dreaming about cricket.'
'Don't you ever dream about girls?'
'What? And miss my innings?'
How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long on it.
How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
When the bed touches the ceiling.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rock-et.
How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed?
By the big E on his pyjamas.
How do you know when someone is sleeping like a log?
When you hear them sawing
.
How else?
There are peanut shells all over the bed.
'I want a divorce.'
'Why?'
'My wife smokes in bed.'
It's not that bad, is it?'
'Yes it is. She smokes kippers!'
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