I worked as a stand-up comedian in an old people's home once........
None of them understood my jokes but they still p***ed themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
I phoned the local ramblers' club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!'
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