Are those who want reforms in adoption angry people?

Question

Okay, i have to say i was surprised at an answer from my question about adoption. supposely those of us who want reforms are angry people. Now, why is that? In previous question i pointed out that adoption is not perfect so refinement is needed from time to time. So those of us who want reforms that protect the adoptive parents from getting taken advantage of, the biological parents getting taken advantage of and the adoptee getting access to their adoption records.- that means we are angry. Why is that people who want reforms in other areas of soceity are not labeled angry. In other areas of soceity they are cheered on about wanting reforms. But if one adoptee says hey wait a minute--somethings not right we need to protect everyone involved, i'm labeled as angry. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

You're not angry. Nor is several others of us who do think there needs to be a few minor refinements. While there are some who are ate up in anger, feeling as tho they were tossed away without so much as a second thought, not everyone feels the same way. I for one am adopted, and do see a need in some minor refinements, such as, people should be allowed access to their original, unaltered birth certificates, and I do feel that should a birth parent NOT want to be found later on, and contacted, then they could provide a full medical background on themselves and their families so that the adoptive parent as well as the child knows what illnesses could be inherited. I know how awkward it is, to be asked by a doctor, even many doctors about family histories so they know what to look for, and not being able to answer the question.

People choose to view us all as an angry bunch for one simple reason, they don't and can't possibly understand what it is to lack informations that could help a few of us in understanding ourselves abit better.

These are the people who most likely weren't adopted, grew up with, and knowing fully every aspect of who and what makes them who they are. As for some of us adoptees.. that's something few of us are lucky enough to have. Even some of us that had open adoptions as some birth parents still can and do avoid answering any pertinent questions for whatever reasons.

I suggest take comfort in knowing your not alone in not being angry.. and wanting some change to protect future adoptees from the same fates. And ignore those who are just plain too ignorant to know better than to make assumptions on groups of people based on the behavoirs of some.

Answer 2

I'm angry, and I make no apologies for it.

I'm angry that my children won't have the same rights as other citizens.

I'm angry that people will say downright hurtful and ignorant things to my children  because they don't know better.

I'm angry that people STILL act as thought anger regarding adoption has ANYTHING to do with "how they were treated" by their AP's, even though they've been around plenty long enough to know otherwise, if they'd open their ears.

I'm angry that people who SHOULD be adoptees "biggest advocates" regularly find fault with (and label as "bad angry") those who know better than they ever will - THE ADOPTEE!

I'm angry because we should ALL be on the same side, but there are folks who pit themselves against those who know best (because they've been there) simply because they don't want to get their little feelings hurt (um...what will you do when YOUR children say the same things?).

I'm angry that some folks feel that they have a right to tell STRANGERS that they ought to feel lucky they weren't aborted.  Or to bring up the topic of abortion where it doesn't belong.

I'm angry that there are unethical adoptions going on every friggin day, and that those involved just put on their blinders and move happily along because they're getting what they want (whether that be the adoption agency raking in money, or AP's bringing home the "exotic pet" they ordered).

I'm angry that children are treated like commodities.

I'm angry that the same things that made me angry when I first learned about them are still happening, and will continue to happen for a VERY long time, because there are those folks who refuse to open their minds and REALLY become advocates for adoptees, choosing instead to advocate for what THEY think is best for adoptees, and not what ADOPTEES already KNOW to be best, because, again, THEY'VE FRIGGIN' BEEN THERE!

Yeah, just a tad angry.  I'm angry about sexism, too.  And racism, and lots of other things.  I don't really give a flying hoot if anyone else thinks my anger is "good" or "bad".  It is what it is and I'm DOING something with it.

Otherwise, I'm a really happy, laid back, funny, bubbly person.  Just not when people are being trampled on.  Call me crazy, but I'm just not ok with people being treated as second class citizens.

Answer 3

lol at the good angry versus bad angry.  I don't think it matters that much which angry I belong to when I'm upset about adoption and the lack of progress in reform.  There is always someone who is polite and reaches out in kindness while angry and then eventually they get worn out and become bad angry for a bit while someone else takes over the reaching out.

While it would be nice to think that even when we are angry that we are reasonable and can keep considerate conversation going, I'm thankful that I've had my cage rattled by the supposed bad angry people.

If I hadn't been told I was selfish to relinquish and unloving to my child, I'd still be spouting off how "because I loved my son so much I gave him away."  If I hadn't been rattled to the core by those who say there is no difference between abandonment and placing a child into loving arms of adoptive parents, I'd still be dismissive and minimizing of adoptee loss.

Also lol at the idea that adoption is all there is to our lives.  I'm much more complex a person that the sum of my answers here, or my opinions on adoption.

My suggestion is to realize that you define yourself.  There was a great post written on livejournal by a known abrasive jerk about this.  Let me go find it.  Meh, I can't find it.  Basically I say you have green hair when you don't.  If I kept saying you have green hair when clearly you don't, would you be upset or would you chalk me up to knowing nothing about you?  Same goes for everything else.  It's up to you to decide whether you need to get your knickers in a twist when people are saying untrue things about you.

Answer 4

You have to watch out for "them."  "They" are a big bad group ruining people on here.

But I have a question...  I, for one, have never attacked all APs/PAPs.  I have repeatedly pointed out that I have two loving APs myself, and believe there are plenty of good APs out there.  

And yet, I am repeatedly dismissed as being "bad angry" and "bitter" on here.  

So doesn't it sound a little hypocritical to here people complain about "broad brushstrokes" then use broad brushstrokes to paint people on here?

Am I angry?  No.  Not in general.  Do I get angry at ignorance and hypocrisy?  Yes.  I try to keep my cool.  I don't think there is such a thing as "good anger."  I think attaching the label is dismissive.  Theresa, in my mind, has hit the nail on the head.

Answer 5

Well I want reform.  I'm not an angry person.  I am a very happy, congenial person.  I AM angry that adult adoptees don't have many rights that most of us take for granted.  I think most adoptees would be considered happy people.  Just because they are angry about the way adoption is, and the way that adoptees are treated doesn't make them "angry" people.  I feel that is an unfair conclusion.  I have several adult adoptee friends who are wonderfully fun friends, and very much fun to know.  They're angry about the adoption issues that need to be fixed, and so am I, but it doesn't ruin their whole life.

Answer 6

STOP F-ing CALLING ME ANGRY!!!!! I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!

oops. maybe i is.

Answer 7

I think a lot about the heroes of women's rights. The ones who went to jail or were locked in mental institutions simply for wanting the right to vote. They were considered mentally unbalanced, or angry, and were just as dismissed as we are.

It goes against the status-quo. Millions of dollars are pumped into advertising and promoting the idea that adoption is a win-win-win situation for everyone involved. When you say something against that, you're immediately labeled suspect.

Also I think we're labeled angry by people who don't have the ability or wish to think outside the box. Their heads are so full of dumpster babies or abortion or neglected orphans languishing in third-world orphanages that they don't want to take a moment to reflect on what is actually being said.

Other people I think are triggered by their own issues, and they want to lash out.

And other people are just morons.

JMO

Answer 8

"People who want reforms in other areas of society are not labeled angry"--But they/we are, and worse!  Try being a feminist.  Try being an animal welfare advocate.  Try advocating against white privilege.  Whenever change is proposed, for good or ill, there will be those who resist change by (angrily) labeling the people they disagree with as angry due to personal issues or somesuch silliness.  

People who have things explained calmly and rationally to them and remain angry because they refuse to examine their own insecurities constitute the real "anger problem."

I AM angry about current adoption practices, so calling me angry is no insult to me.  I have honed that anger down to a fine, rational, ice-cold point, because after years of research and over four decades of living my own adopted truth, I have concluded that I know more about these things than most of my "adversaries" do.  This sort of rational anger--the kind that can still practice critical thinking--is, to my mind, the most effective weapon in the world, because it draws no blood and has the power to change minds.

Answer 9

There's nothing wrong with adoption at its base concept: Providing a home for a child that needs one.  

I haven't seen ANYONE argue here (at least not anyone with direct experience with adoption) that the process is perfect, the safeguards are always 100% effective and the status quo is fine as it is.

Most of the very ignorant comments toward adoptees and biological parents come from people who are not adoptees, never placed a child for adoption and never adopted a child. So, take it for what it's worth.  

Speaking as an adoptive parent who has been targeted by some pretty mean-spirited comments from adult adoptees however, there are "angry" adoptees who are less concerned with reform as they are about attacking  adoptive parents.  Whether this is because they have nothing better to do, or because this is some way of retailiation for wrongs done to them, I have no idea.  And I don't really care.  It still doesn't justify being a mean person, whether that interaction is face to face, or over  a computer.

There is "good" anger and there is "bad" anger.  Good anger sees problems with a system and works to resolve it.  Nothing wrong with that.  "Bad" anger is a malicious attack on "Them" (adoptive parents, adoption workers) as a broad brush stroke, often very personal and very mean spirited.  Then their actions are justified because they were treated badly.  

This isn't exactly the way to earn the support and respect of people.  Neither is it a way to educate them.  

I can't compare them to the first women's rights activists either.  A "good" angry person fights the system for women's rights.  A "bad" angry person fights the system for women's rights, but then fights to strip away rights from men in retribution for the years women spent as second-class citizens.  See the difference?

Here's my suggestion.  If you want to stop being labelled as "bad angry", then don't attack adoptive parents with broad brush strokes, don't call them "baby stealers", don't say that international adoptive parents want "exotic pets", don't say that adoptive parents "ruin the adopted child's life".  And voice your objection to the "bad angry" posters that do this.  

If you don't want to be lumped with the malicious attackers, separate yourself.  You might find that we adoptive parents can be very reasonable and supportive if we aren't constantly under fire.

ETA: If you're not attacking people, then don't look to take offense to this.  I've just heard one too many "exotic pets" comment about MY children and yeah, I'm angry about that too.  I've said over and over that I have no problem with reformers.  I'm not lumping people who want adoption reform along with people who call APs and PAPs "baby stealers" and attack them for "tearing apart a family."  If the shoe doesn't fit, then don't wear it.  

Phil, I used direct quotes from adoptees on the board who classify themselves as reformers.  That's not painting with a broad brush.

Answer 10

I don't think you are angry;  I am an adoptive parent who also sees the need for reform in adoption, but I am not angry either.  "Sad" would be a better word.    

It is sad to think that people have overwhelming regret about their decisions to place their child for adoption, or to agree to an open adoption when they do not feel comfortable with it.   It's sad to think that people in countries overseas might be able to keep their babies if living conditions were different.  Certainly, mothers should not be forced to give up their children because of poverty.    

While I am eternally in debt to the three remarkable women who gave birth to my three Chinese daughters, I do hope that someday the other women who find themselves in the position of having a second child in China won't have to make those same choices.

Answer 11

Angry? If people aren't angry about injustice then nothing will stop the injustice.

Nothing wrong with being angry

I have NO problem with reform

I have my own "injustices" that I am VERY angry about (the murder of innocent children that is LEGAL under the law simply because they are not born yet)

I have no problem with the reformers being angry at the adoption system, I myself would be thrilled to see some changes, and when I do finally adopt, I guarantee I will be my child's greatest advocate

What I DO have a problem with is the people on this form that are angry at the WRONG thing. I have a serious problem when some people here CONSTANTLY slander  PAPs and APs and blame them for everything wrong with "the system" and always put the worst spin on things, act like the BSE is still going on and hold up adoptees (themselves, usually) and first mothers as the VICTIMS... (Not that they haven't been victimized in some cases) But the problem is that they act like they are the victims and the PAPS and APs are the ones victimizing them. I get REALLY sick of this attitude here. They practically REFUSE to believe ANY woman would give up her child if she wasn't being coerced or forced.. That to me is an unreasonable assumption. So basically, in their eyes, first moms are the victims, adoptees are the victims, and the "greedy infertiles" are the ones who are victimizing them

That's what I have a problem with.. If the shoe fits, wear it, if it doesn't don't worry about it.

ETA

I won't re-type Jennifer L's fourth Paragraph.. but that is EXACTLY MY POINT!!!  couldn't say it better myself..

Answer 12

Some are angry I suppose, but what is so wrong with being angry about something you believe in?

I'm sorry I just don't get why "reformists" are so upset about being called angry as if it is an insult.  If you are angry and you do something positive with your anger, more power to you. Embrace it.

ETA- What frustrates me is that some on this board state that they ARE angry (which I have no problem with) but then when others try and understand this anger, they are attacked "stop calling me angry!"   as if they are being insulted.  Then if you say, "ok, I get it you are not angry"  you are called out for dismissing their feelings.  So are you angry or not?  It seems to me, most movements are fueled at least by righteous indignation which is a form of positive anger.  People of every movement have been labeled as angry...civil rights....women's...anti-war.....adoptio... reformists  are not alone in this.

Answer 13

What's wrong with being angry at a system? It's only when the anger eats you up and affects your personal relationships.

If the system is wrong then it needs to be fixed. People need to know how adoption affects everyone involved, that it's not always a happy ending. I know we all want it to be, but it just doesn't always happen.

I don't think I was ever angry with the system because I was ignorant of it, I had no idea that it wasn't perfect until I found my daughter and I found this forum. d**n, I was shocked to find out that everything they told me was not exactly the truth. My daughter had a pretty good life and I guess i did too.