Are we destined to repeat our parents' mistakes?

Question

I'm a 20 yr old female Uni student and am terrified of turning into my parents.As long as I could remember my parents would yell and scream at each other and both had serious anger issues and would take it out on me physically and verbally when I was younger.I have never raised my hand to anyone and am terrified of repeating their mistakes once I have my own family.Am I destined to make the same mistakes as them?

Answer 1

I think you can only decide that . But all parent's some time yell and scream at their kid's for thing's they have done and didn't listen but the hitten if that is what you meant is just out of call. you make your life as a parent and noone can do that for you. But I will say just because your parent's screamed and yelled does not mean that they had a angry issue but hitting you would be more of a child abbuse case. If they where such bad parent's,screaming, yelling,hitting then why didn't you tell someone to get your self help, are you alive today and doing well, are you trying to succeed in your life, are you respectful then if it is yes which if you where not alive then that would be strange for you to be asking a questioned as a ghost so I take it that your parent's did a well good job. don't hate your parent's for trying to raise you right, appreicate what they did for you. They raised you into a young women, gave a roof with food in your mouth so appreicate that. We all grow up and say I am not going to be like my parents was, I am going to raise my kids different, I did and everyone else I know did to but we end up later on in the year's realizing what our parent's did for us. My father was very strict and totally protected and he always yelled and screamed at me when I did something or didn't mind and yes he whooped my butt all the time and I always said I hate him and I will never be like him and today I thank him for what he did for me because I am a well grown successful women with a loving husband and four children, other wise if he wasn't that parent to me then no telling where I would be today. Be thankful.

Answer 2

I had the same situation and I decided growing up that I was not going to be like them, or be like that to my kids. I think it's the choice you make to be better. It's easy to scream it out, but it takes a better person to communicate peacefully with another one, Whats the point of screaming? does it help? will it fix things? not really, it tends to make things worse.

Wish you the best.

Mike.

Answer 3

My parents were horrible role models.........I vowed I would never be like them and thank God I am not. Having them as parents made me a stronger, much better person.

P.S. Forgiving them has nothing to do with it.

Answer 4

I'm 17 & I've been living with my mom my whole life. I recently moved out, wich is pretty hard, considering my mom is my best friend, litterally. I don't have a baby and I'm not expecting either. But my sister did have a baby and my mom has the gard. I'm not speaking by experience but I can tell you that NO, you do not raise your children the way you were raised. Because people tend to want to be different from their parents. Just like my mom didn't raise me the same way she was raised, and my sister isn't raising her baby boy the way my mom raised her, I wish she did, but that's another story. My advice is not to worry about it, because you'll know, when you'll have your own kid, what's right and what's not. And if you consider your past with your parents as a bad experience, you'll know what not to do with your child. :) Hope that was a little bit helpfull.

Answer 5

I hope not.

I would think that it's up to you if you make the same bad decisions or not.  Only you can control your actions.

Answer 6

technically its your choice, what you want to do with your life, its up to you if want to follow the foot steps of your parents or try to change things that you knew, want went wrong with their relationship.. though its normal to have a ups and downs in every relationship you just have to know your limits for you not to end up having a same kind of partnership your parents had. 1st thing you should do is try to learn something from their mistake and you yourself correct it. and if you have misunderstanding with your partner, try to finish what the other party is trying to tell you then you answer, vise-versa.. give and take relationship and try to know the person much deeper, it could help you a lot in knowing the things you should be doing to avoid conflicts..

Answer 7

No. We learn from our parents mistakes, and become a better parent.

I know I learnt from those who created me, but also from the wonderful people who raised me.

Answer 8

As a therapist I can answer this very fully but since I have to precis it - we learn how adults behave by watching our parents, but we can also learn by watching other significant adults like relatives, teachers etc. We learn in order to emulate them. HOWEVER, once we are aware that a behaviour is not acceptable, we can change it in ourselves. All of these behaviours have to stop somewhere ... congrats, you have become aware enough to recognise that you don't wish to continue their behaviour. That awareness carried into parenthood is a great asset! You are well set to avoid repeating their behaviour. Good luck.

Answer 9

your not destined but u may have their bad characteristics. remember that at all times and u will be ok.

Answer 10

The first step in not becoming like our parents is to forgive them. I know it is hard If you try so hard not to be like your parents you tend to do the same mistakes. My brother is the perfect example. He's trying so hard not to be like our father (who is/was a alcoholic and child abuser, who's now in prison for it), that he is an alcoholic himself and hits his children every time he's angry with them. I forgave my father for what he did. I work with children and am really good at it. I don't drink alcohol or smoke. In short I'm the only one in my family who has forgiven our dad and i'm the one who has his life under control. Good luck

Answer 11

No, I don't think so.  The fact that you are so concerned about it tells alot to me about your character.  My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me as well, and I'm expecting my first child.  After the way that he treated me I could never, ever harm my child... but I still worry about it.  Nobody wants to continue the cycle of abuse that is so often carried through generations of families... but I'm determined that it will stop, and it sounds to me that you are determined to stop it as well.  

If you are really worried, try thinking about the ways you can manage your anger... and then practice.  If you start yourself on a routine of always doing something to calm down, you will probably automatically do that thing later when you have children and become frustrated.  

Also, you may want to consider counseling if you haven't had it already.  It helped me alot to have someone else besides friends and family to talk to about my childhood, and I really don't think it helps to keep something like that inside.  You said you are in college, most colleges/universities offer free counseling to students.  Take advantage of this service!  They will be able to help you sort through your feelings and give you ways of coping with your anger.

You are not destined to make the same mistakes as your parents did.  You follow your own path, and which way you go is totally up to you!  We all have a choice!  Good luck!

Answer 12

If we do our children won't get the chance because I fear there may well be nothing left. So let's hope not.

Answer 13

i dont think so, my family was in a way like that and i try to stay calm with my family .i think if u keep reminding yourself of how they were then u can do better

Answer 14

We are all capable of making our own decisions. The actions of your parents are their decisions. You don't want to become like them in certain ways, you don't have too. You just make up in your mind that you will not be like that, neither will you act like that. It's all in the mind.

My mother had me when she was 15/16 years old. I was determined not to be a statistic unwed teen pregnancy. What happened - I am 33 years old and have not had any children. I'm not married, so no children. I was and still am determined.

You've got to be determined of what you want, how you want to be, what you don't want, and what you don't want to be, and go from there. It may not be easy at time, but it is most certainly achievable.