Are women "biologically programmed" to want to clean?

Question

My boyfriend and I are considering getting married but I am having second thoughts because he is a total slob! He leaves his clothes all over the floor, leaves the toilet seat up and splashes pee everywhere, never makes the bed, and basically never cleans anything. I know better than to nag but when I explain to him why I would like him to help clean, he says that I am a neat freak and women are just biologically programmed to want to clean. In all fairness to him, he doesn't ask me to clean up after him, but I can't stand living in filth! (when I first moved in he had 1 inch of dust all over everything and said he last cleaned the floors 4 years ago!!). Anyway, he is a busy lawyer and we have talked about getting a maid, but that still will not solve some things like getting him to pick up his socks and underwear on a daily basis. I love him and want this to work but it is becoming a deal breaker for me. What should I do?

Answer 1

Well, my husband is much tidier than I am, and a much more efficient cleaner.  This has been a source of strife between us for most of our life together, though it has got better in recent years.

If you think this is going to drive you mad then it might be better to rethink the situation, because it is things like this that cause the real aggro in marriage.  

Personally, I don't really understand why women set such store by having the toilet seat left up (it's not exactly difficult to put it down again if you want it down), but I think the splashing pee around is quite disgusting and would personally put me off too.

If this is the way he is, and if he sees no necessity to change, then you may have to make up your mind to either put up with it, or not marry him.  if he is not willing to make even a minimal effort, in order to please you, then perhaps he really doesn't care enough anyway.

Answer 2

I don't think so. I think it just depends on the person and their mindset. When I was younger I was really clean and neat because I was raised in a really messy, chaotic home. Now in my 40s, living alone, I just do what's absolutely necessary. Unless people are coming over, then I'll do a real job. His problem is that he thinks it's not important. And he knows you will pick up after him. He doesn't care. I've had boyfriends that were more fussy than me and some that were so s****. I couldn't understand how they could live with themselves. Biologically programmed, lol, that's an excuse. He doesn't want to. Unless you make him think he's endangering his health or he's embarrassed about his untidiness, he won't change.

Answer 3

I'd say no. There are a lot of slobbish single women. And some men in relationships probably just get accustomed to someone picking up behind them.

I am a cleaning fanatic, but then I also have a form of cleanliness OCD.

Answer 4

Something you must understand is that almost every woman goes through this with her man. For example, when my boyfriend comes over and has a soda, he'll leave the can on the d@m floor next too the couch instead up picking it up and putting in the trash can! And he walked right past the trash to go to the bathroom!

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Anyway, I think there was one guy that I lived with that was more tidy than myself. But he really was a neat freak due to some issues he and his mother had when he was a kid. Agian, that's besides the point :|

What you have to do is evaluate why it is you feel you're ready to get married to this man (cleaning issues aside). You need to ask yourself "What is it about him that is making me want to spend the rest of my life with him?" And you focus less on that then the fact that his sock are on the floor or his boxers is having from the bedpost. Because if you leave him for another man you may experience the same problem. It may not be on the same level, but there will always be little twirks and quirks about our significant others that we will not always like.

In my opinion, the fact that he's not as clean as yourself is not enough for you to call off your wedding. If it is, then there is a more deeper, underlying issue that the two of you seriously need to address prior to heading to the alter. I think if you do decided not to marry him over his "toilet seat issues" then you had already made up in your mind that you weren't going to marry him; and  that was just the straw that broke the camels back.  

Answer 5

I'm a messy person. The guy I'm seeing is a neat freak and picks up after me.

Answer 6

Not me.

Answer 7

I would have to have a maid and he would have to pick up the dirty laundry for me to stay.   It will only get worse with time.  

Answer 8

If he can't do something as simple as pick up his clothes when he knows it upsets you when he leaves them on the floor, why marry him? It sounds like he thinks it should all be on his terms.

Answer 9

Women are "biologically programmed" to clean by the socialization process. Little girls grow up with dolls and tea party sets and plastic miniature houses to clean and prepare food in, while their male counter parts are given trucks, uniforms and action figures that prepare them for a role as worker or soldier.

My dad is a neat freak. So he hired a cleaning lady.

My mom likes things to be clean and tidy, so she picks up a rag.

The human body, male or female, wasn't programmed to live in a house, drive a car, know how to use a vaccum cleaner or to shoot a gun. These are all behaviours that we learn based on gendered role models as we grow up.

Answer 10

I don't think anyone's ever found a cleaning gene. It's just the kind of person you are and he's not. Tell him how you feel the way you told us. It should wake him up.

Answer 11

No, neither s*x is biologically programmed to be one way or another. Your fiance is just messy and you're neat, that's all.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water just yet. You say this is becoming a deal breaker. If it's that important, then definately don't get married because he won't change and neither will you. If permitted this will make you nuts. But please consider one point first, is he a good person. Is he gentle, loving, kind, will make a good husband and father? If the answer is Yes that he is a good person then maybe you should just consider putting up with this one imperfection and/or hiring a housekeeper.

Good luck! I hope that things work out for you and your finance. ♥ ∞

Answer 12

No. That's a cop out.

He's messy, you're clean, it's personality not s*x.

Incidentally, He's the neat freak in my situation and I'm the compartive slob.  (Apparently leaving dirty dishes in the sink for an hour or so makes me a slob lol, I think he's a tad psycho about cleanliness by doing things like organizing his sock drawer every other day, but whatever)

Answer 13

He's wrong about females having a cleaning gene, or else I am defective.  I do pick up after myself, and keep food in the garbage, but other wise I have no desire to clean, and can live in great disorganization.  

Just realize that if you maryy him, and you want things cleaned up during the week, you will have to do it.

His job leaves hime little time to be bothered with anything other than work.  When he's home he's tired.

Answer 14

No, i hate cleaning!

Answer 15

He'll never change.  It's harsh, but you have to decide now whether you can live with it, or not.  If you can, don't nag, if you can't not nag, walk away now cause it'll drive you insane otherwise.  Some men are just tidy, some aren't, but it's rare people change.  Good luck!  :-)

Answer 16

Yes. Just talk to my wife.  

Answer 17

interesting question

women may be programmed to be homemakers, but i don't believe there is any evolutionary benefit to being a sob.

do you love him more to get past this?  my husband eats in bed,  (i hate the crumbs!)  chews with his mouth open, and always leaves his dirty stinky socks at the foot of the bed.  it drives me crazy.  but he's a great husband and father.  the good things overweigh the bad.  i can overlook the little things.  can you?  

Answer 18

This is a very good question.  Regrettably, I don't have source references, but there is a body of literature which confirms that women do have better organizational skills in certain areas.  So, whether this translates to a greater proclivity for "cleanliness" or order is possible, however, the data is rather "soft," but it's within the realm of possibity that there is an underlying substrate for this behaviour.

Answer 19

If and when my woman wants to clean I don't interfere, if that’s what she wants then ‘go to it’

If it makes you happy, just do it

If it makes you happy to moan about it, then moan all day long

I as a man don’t give a hoot, if I want to do it I do it

If I don’t she could talk till the end of the world I just laugh

Answer 20

I'm an "explosion" and it seems that I attract men who are "military clean".

Slowly, I'm getting my act cleaned up (pun intended) though these men I fall in love with.  IDK if they're able to become less annal though.

Best wishes to your engagement!