Are you as outspoken IRL as you are on Y!A about adoption?

Question

I know that there are quite a few people here who are very active IRL trying to change (in some cases stop) adoption, and for adoptees rights. But for those who aren't actively being, well - activists - do you find yourself being more vocal or stronger in your opinions here than when talking to friends and family? Or do you sensor yourself more IRL?

I ask because I was put in an interesting situation - another PAP, just starting the research, asked me what I thought. She told me all the reasons she wanted to adopt - and I think I may have talked her out of it. As a PAP, I meet a lot of others - and I don't know if I've just been spending too much time here, or too much time reading - but I can't bring myself to jump on the rainbow bandwagon anymore. I am so excited about growing our family - but can't separate it from the losses that will occur to make that possible. I find myself feeling the need to "educate" everyone I talk to about it - and worry I'm becoming preachy.

Answer 1

I honestly do not speak that much about adoption IRL.  My personality on here is the same as it is IRL.   However, when adoption does come up what I have voiced on here does reflect IRL.  There are actually some things I've gotten from here that I have since voiced to some people that I know are looking into adoption.  I am very outspoken IRL and that won't change on here.

Am I out there going to adoption conventions & such, not at all.  Does that mean I don't believe that the adoption system needs a change, not at all but at this point in my life I don't have that calling to be one voice...

Answer 2

I am a vocal person in real life.  If there is something that I beleive in, I will defend it, debate and discuss it until the cows come home.  Most of the times, I can SEE both sides of the story but BELIEVE in one side.  And I'm not ashamed to support my ideals.

I'm here because I'm interested in curretn events and what other people think.  Through my curiosity, I've learned some things.  I do speak MY mind and don't just repeat the spoon-fed information preached by some in here.  I don't tailor my opinions or answers to gain popularity or because someone disagrees, either.

Interesting question.

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I'm laughing at the thumbs down (thanks spoon feeders)!

Answer 3

I have become a LOT more outspoken since finding Y!A, but I was outspoken before - just not as educated.  I have a lot more to say now, and a lot more evidence to back up my views and feelings on the issue.  Like you, I can't "jump on the rainbow bandwagon", and I think that as educated PAP's, we can make a big difference in the way adoption is practiced.  I've seen many times here that it's really easy to dismiss an adoptee because "oh, s/he just had a bad experience; adoption can't be all that bad".  But the evidence supports their experiences as real, valid, and normal.  People might put a little more weight into what we say because we're not emotionally attached to the adoptee experience, and aren't speaking from any "bad experience".  Just a tad harder to dismiss hard evidence, y'know?

Not that any adoptee's experience SHOULD be dismissed...but it's easier for people who WANT to dismiss the adoptee experience, to dismiss what one person is saying, versus studies, statistics, books, experts, etc.  Hope that makes sense.

Answer 4

I've been pretty quiet about my reservations regarding adoption for most of my life. Mostly because I believed my own adoption story was pretty rare.  And partly because I believed no one really cared.

Finding this forum on Y!A has opened my eyes and given me a voice.  I am much more vocal both IRL and in here about both my concerns regarding adoption and the issues surrounding adoption - as well as other ethically questionable practices like egg & embryo donation, surrogacy, 'gestational carriers', & other "Brave New World" technologies.  

I've learned A LOT here.  Some good & some pretty dark realities.  And while there are a few who profess to be "here because I'm interested in current events and what other people think.", sadly, I've found that to be untrue.

Fortunately, there are many wonderful people here who really DO want to hear what others have to say. Who ARE open minded and caring.  

I still believe that adoption is sometimes the best option for some kids to find loving families. Sadly, sometimes the only option for the child. I'm pro-reform & pro-education.  

You can't educate if you don't speak up.  Just as you can't learn if you refuse to listen.  Just saying you can see both sides doesn't mean your actually looking or even willing to look at the other side.  

As an abuse survivor (yes, my adoptive mother was physically & verbally abusive), I learned to shut the heck up. Here, I'm learning to speak up and, as I said, I'm finding my voice.  Much to the dismay of those who wish I (we) would just STHU and go away.

Answer 5

I am who I am--in IRL and Y!A.  I have strong opinions about most things IRL and here.  I read everything I can from a variety of sources and form an opinion.  Sometimes, as I gather information, I change my opinions, but usually my original opinion sticks.

Answer 6

The Y!A section on adoption...well, this is all about adoption.  So, that is what I come here to talk about.  My real life is a much broader experience, tons of other issues and topics that I deal with.  However, I like to believe that my beliefs and opinions are the same here as in real life.

Answer 7

i'm loud about my views.  i speak my truth.

Answer 8

They are your thoughts and feelings and you are entitled to those, but all I can say is be careful with your words if you feel you are becoming preachy.  There are always good and bad with any situations.  I know several adopted adults and children and all seem to be well adjusted adults with great families.  I know several adults and children who live with their biological family who have problems, do drugs, were beat, hurt emotionally and bodily.  To each their own.

I personally do not believe adoption is wrong, my son would still be in foster care if we were not led to each other.  Even God's son was adopted by Joseph if you view it that way.

Answer 9

Funny you mentioned that. I find that I myself am more critical of people who mention they too want to adopt. And it really annoys the @*%^ out of me when they say oh yeah I would like to adopt too.....as if they were adding it to a shooping list.

I definitely do not censure myself! I think I am more outspoken then before. Yes I too have become preachy....but hey if they ask my opinion they better look out because I am going to tell then exactly what I think.

Answer 10

Yes I am very outspoken.  I send letters, write emails, send faxes, write to newspapers, and speak with folks in the real world.  I speak with legislators and their staff regularly

Answer 11

Yes I'm worse in IRL,then here..but I blame it on the fine gals who answered my questions I posted on here, they answered and I learned,it did change me and how I looked at adoptions in general.The last person I spoke to on this forum has changed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. For that I thank you all and her.

Answer 12

oh...i'm MORE outspoken IRL.:-)  fortunately, i have a very intimate group of friends, and professional colleagues who totally "get me"; and try to see me as an advocate and not a zealot. the line blurs, often.

as i've matured, however, i've learned to "temper" it IRL.  but i usually don't have a real issue speaking my mind.  i've just found PC ways to do it, in mixed company.

ps. i am a believer that we are ALL educators.  and attempting to present a contrary view to someone considering a life-changing event like adoption i think, is reasonable. i'm all about full disclosure and informed decision-making.  h**l, i was recently asked to consult on an manuscript article about inter-racial adoption presented to a conservative religious nursing journal.  and if you knew me, you'd understand how absolutely opposite the mission statement of this journal is to my belief regarding reproductive health and primarily minority adoption.

minds are like parachutes...

ETA: i've never been on the rainbow bandwagon.  and i'm glad.

Answer 13

I hear you.  I am pretty much the same way in IRL as in YA but i don't get to talk about it as much being a stay at home mom.

I found at first i was kinda preachy too.  Now the more i learn the more i am becoming an activist.  Driving to the capital next week with some friends to try to talk to state senators about adoption reform.  Sick of not getting emails returned.  They can sit there and listen to a couple of wild toddlers running around until they give me someone to talk to.  DD's first mom is coming up for a visit in July, waiting on pins and needles for her response of the date.  If its not the date of the convention in july, pbssst i'm so there!  

I guess i've become more vocal IRL.  Getting pretty good at debating too.  I've convinced most of my friends to join the adoption reform band wagon.

Answer 14

The short answer is: it depends

If it comes to state legislation, I'm very outspoken. I've called and written to my state assemblymembers and senators to let them know my feelings on sealed records.

With non-adopted friends and adoptive relatives, I keep my feelings to myself. I used to speak out before, but a lifetime of invalidation has taught me that they won't/can't get it, so it's self-preservation to keep my feelings to myself.

Occassionaly I'll say something if someone says something really stupid, but for the most part, the answer is no.

I'm sure I have many non-adopted friends and adoptive relatives who refer to me as someone who "has no problem with being adopted". Even though I've told them before that I did. Or sometimes I just flat out lied because it was easier than listening to their 'adoption is beautiful' nonsense.

People don't listen to adoptees. It's useless to talk when the rest of the world is deaf.

Answer 15

Oooh, that's a really good question!  Are we ever as outspoken IRL as we are in the written word?  Hmmmm.  Well, probably some people are.  I think there are lots of people on YA who do a lot of pro-active things to improve adoption laws.  I admit, this is all very new to me.  It's like someone just took off my rose-colored glasses and I am seeing reality for the first time.  So, I will admit that I am still absorbing the many viewpoints I have been exposed to on this site.  However, I hope that I would be honest and forthright when discussing adoption issues with my friends and co-workers.  In fact, I can say that I have already begun shedding some light on those issues with some of my friends.  Thanks for asking the question.  It definitely made me stop and think about whether or not I've changed the way that I discuss adoption with people outside of YA.

Ms. Beaverhausen:  You are a woman of few words, but what you say is real and true!!  That's one of the things I love about you, Girl!

Answer 16

As Theresa said, it depends.  As many of you have learned here, the adoption propaganda machine is stronger than ever.

It has been very 'triggering' as we adoptees like to say, to be the mother of 3 small children.  I see adopted kids and their families everywhere. I don't know any in open adoptions. One mother in my neighborhood has an adopted daughter who has an intact nfamily (mom, dad, brother, sister)  they didn't want to raise a third, and they wanted to give a 'gift' to another family who couldn't have children.  I told her that I felt sorry for "Tracy", because that would cause her deep sadness later.  She got angry, and said, I won't allow that to happen!

People just think you're raining on the parade of adoption, or that of course I had a 'bad experience', which negates my 20 years of knowing other adoptees, first mothers, and reading a h**l of a lot.

Recently I was asked by a g*y guy I know if it was my bad APs that colored my adoptive experience.  I asked him maybe if he had different parents, maybe he wouldn't be g*y.  He said that was a good point, and said he tells others when they suggest he had some control over his homosexuality, to ask themselves, why would anyone choose to be g*y--everything is harder when you go AGAINST the grain.

I told him I knew EXACTLY what he meant.

Answer 17

I don't know... anyone who acts differently on the internet because it can't come back to hurt them is not worth my time... but if you don't want your child, why are you so weak that you won't have an abortion?