Are you discouraged?

Question

Are you discouraged by the adoption process in the US? I find it is becoming very strange and emotionally difficult to handle for the adopted children and parents. I have a problem with the idea of an open adoption and that the birthmothers choose you from a profile and picture. do you think this is one reason people adopt outside the country?

Answer 1

This is just my opinion and if I had to give up a child for adaption, I would want to know as much about the people who would wanting to adapt my child. If you look at the bright side, you could find out as much from the pregnant woman as well, such as her health and her life style. I think, I'd rather go for an open adaption than not knowing anything at all about the pregnant mother.

Answer 2

We adopted our daughter when she was only 16 days old.  About the same time I had two nieces who placed babies for adoption, so we saw both sides of the situation in our extended family.  In all three cases there was limited and anonymous contact with the "other parents".  

In our case it was limited to the first year.  We felt it important so we could all move on with our lives and complete the separation.  

One of my sisters was angry with us for that decision.  She felt the birth family had the absolute right to know what was going on with "their" child at all times.  I told her that while I could understand those feelings, I wanted her to understand how hard it is to bond with a child you have to share with other parents.  It can be difficult to raise that child with the constant concern over whether the birth parent(s) would approve.  As the child gets older it would make it difficult for her to feel she really belongs to her adoptive family if she had continued contact with her birth family.  We didn't want her to forever feel like an outsider.  We also acknowledge that eventually she would like to meet her birth family.  That's fine.  We will support that when she's 18.  Until then we need to raise her as we feel is best for her and for our family.

My sister came to understand this side of the adoption question while helping us to strengthen our resolve to help our daughter find her birth family when she's older.  We both feel strongly, now, that totally open adoptions are very hard on everyone.

I think that's certainly one of many reasons why people choose to adopt outside the U. S.

Edit: We adopted our daughter 16 years ago.

Answer 3

Read your question then skimmed the answers you've received... I don't see this perspective so I'll add it.  

I am a birth mother with an open adoption.  This occurred almost 17 years ago.  At the time I had decided to adopt my child out I started to do the research on how best to do this.  I found out what I see reflected in the answers you've been given.  Adopted children really need to have the answers about where they came from and why they were adopted out.  They want to know if they have the same hair as there birth mother or the same color eyes as there father.  They NEED to know as much as they can about the woman who gave birth to them and man who fathered them.  These things help them to feel whole.  To know who they are.

What I understood from my research is that they needed to know this information, but that they didn't necessarily need to know their birth mother personally.  That would be a decision they would make as an adult...wether or not to meet the birthmother.

I DID choose the parents ( I told myself I would not choose the first ones I met, but then I did- love at first sight!).  Although it is a relief to me to know where the child is, I chose open adoption to facilitate what I learned was so vital to the well being of the child.  I provided these parents with a packet containing as much information about myself and the father as I could gather without sending luggage with them.  This included pictures, grade cards from school and many other things (hard to remember what was in there...so long ago).

Also, being an open adoption and realizing how far away they were, I prepared a guest room/nursery and invited them to come sometime during the last two weeks of pregnancy to stay and be there for the birth.  This is another aspect of open adoption... the parents are able to witness the birth of their child and be the first to hold him/her.  They are able to weigh the baby and to feed the baby his/her first bottle.  Closed adoptions don't allow for this.

They packed up the room, which had an entire layette and a bassinett,  (This was good for me, to know that I was able to give a gift to the child I had birthed.  There was a theme of rocking horses.) and left for home 2 days after the birth.

I have not seen her since that time except for the occasional picture and have only incidentally spoken to her a single time when I called to wish the parents a Merry Christmas one year and she picked up the phone.  I got to say, "Is your Mom there?" to her and I got to hear her say, "Yeah, hold on."

Anyway... I'm getting WAY too lengthy for an answer.

My point is, open adoption is the GOOD way to adopt.  You've gotten it from the adopted children who have answered, now you've gotten it fom a birthmother. :)

Answer 4

Hi Shelby,

I'm sorry you are feeling discouraged by the adoption process.  Maybe looking at it from a different perspective will help.

There are many deserving U.S. children who are really in need of homes.  They are currently in foster homes and they are available now.  If you would like to meet the needs of one or more of these children by opening your home and family and heart to them, that would be a very rewarding experience for all of you.  You would not have to go through the process of their mothers choosing you from a profile if that is a concern for you.

Where some people get confused is by thinking that adoption is like shopping for a child.  In other words, if they see it as picking out a child for themselves, then they are more likely to get frustrated because the first objective should be about finding the best home for a child.  The other thing prospective adoptive parents might find frustrating is the checklist that needs to be completed first.  That's there to ensure that children get the very best qualified adoptive parents available.

There is no getting around that no matter where your adopted child comes from, he/she always had and always will have another family.  Whether or not the adoptive family has an ongoing relationship with them is another matter.  Regardless, they will always be a part of who the adopted child is and that should be respected and honored for the benefit of the child.  That doesn't mean you cannot have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship with the child.  You can.  It will just be different than raising a biological child.  It should never be thought of as any sort of competition between the families because it's not.  First families are not to be feared.  Adoptees will feel closer to you if you can understand that.  Everything should be done for the best interests of the child.  Remember - adoption always starts with loss for the child and for the first families.  Adopting a child from another country still involves these same concepts.  

The other thing I was going to mention is you might want to use the time while waiting for your child to research adoption-related issues so that when your child finally arrives, you will be better prepared to be the best adoptive parent you can possibly be.

I wish you the best of luck.  Thank you again for considering adopting a child who already needs a home.  I hope some of this information may help.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 5

Maybe you're right!

Answer 6

a lot of times yes, i think people might feel threatened that in the US a birth mother can come and take the child away later if she changes her mind.

seams like if you do a foreign adoption this is impossible or very unlikely.

im not really too knowledgeable on adoption but i do know people who are adopted and people who have adopted and people who have put children up for adoption- so i think that within the US people also get less of a choice for maybe the gender they want or the age.

lots of people who adopt figure well h**l if im adopting i might as well get to pick what i want... and sometimes thats more difficult than overseas adoptions.

im really not sure tho as ive never been in the exact situation.

Answer 7

I have to totally agree with Phil.

Not being able to know my bio family growing up has had a very large detrimental effect on me.

I know that doesn't happen for all adoptees - but I know over 100 - and this separation from bio family has caused a great deal of harm for a huge majority of them.

Research now says that it is best for the adopted-child to have knowledge and contact throughout their lives with their first family.

It caused many problems with my self image and self worth when I was growing up.

If you have a 'problem' with open adoptions - then I would ask you to truly see why you want to go about adopting. (I'm not being rude - this is a serious question)

Adoption SHOULD be about caring for a child that can no longer live with their biological family. (check the UN statute of rights for children)

It SHOULD NOT be about someone wanting a child to call their own - and wipe away that child's former existence because it makes the adoptive parent feel 'better'.

Yes - this topic makes me very cranky.

I advocate for adoptee rights here - in caring for the well-being of all adoptees.

What you are advocating could hurt the child more than the separation from family.

Tina - please read up also. Many adoptees feel so in-between families once reunited later in life. Those lost years can never be made up - and if she has biological siblings - it would be a tragedy if she weren't allowed to know them throughout her life.

She will love you more - if you open the doors for her.

All parents - whether bio or adoptive - parent their children - hopefully with love, compassion and care. When the child grows up - it's a testament to our parenting if our children really 'love' us back. By keeping your daughter from ALL of her family - because it suits you - you could be setting up your daughter with reason to resent you down the track.

I'm just putting it out there - and asking you to really think about your love for your daughter and about her well being.

Yes you love your daughter - I have no doubt - but not allowing her contact - could be hurting her inside.

See the question posted about adoptees that search for their bio families - posted only recently here by Weeme. Her parents helped and encourage her search when she was quite young (compared to many of us who were made to feel guilty about searching) - and she has a better relationship with her adoptive parents because of it.

Don't be scared of the bio family.

Allow adoptees to love and know ALL their familes.

That is an adoptees reality. We have a HUGE family.

Please.

Adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 8

well i am not adopted and i would never adopt so this does not concern me

Answer 9

With all due respect, my adoptive family loved me and did everything they could to try to make me feel a part of their family.  And I do.  

But I also feel a little like an outsider.  And I have lost something in not having contact with my natural family for the first three decades of my life.  

Not every adoptee feels this way.  But closed adoptions have very real problems, even when the adoptive parents acknowledge the adoption.  Closed adoptions are no guarantee of a child feeling like they belong.  That isolation from the natural family has been harmful to me, and many other adoptees who were subjected to closed adoptions.