Are you scared you will find out your partner is sexist?

Question

I'd like to hear primarily from women who are romantically involved with men in long-term relationships.

Do you ever fear that you will find out, once you are heavily involved in the relationship, that your partner is sexist or has a view torwards women that you don't agree with or find demeaning? How do you deal with this? How would you go about screening a man to find out his views about this and whether or not his behaviour towards you is a match?

Answer 1

i'm pretty sure he isn't that sexist. we've had quite a few discussions about gender issues, he's said that he'd be willing to be a SAHD for awhile and the way that he treats me or other women is not remotely sexist. we treat each other as we expect to be treated and neither of us is into doing things for the sake of tradition

i think these things would come up quite early in a relationship. i've never consciously 'screened' any partners

Answer 2

My current partner enjoys being chivalrous, and I absolutely hate being treated that way. Sometimes I concede if I can see that he's feeling really bad about it. But I usually pay for myself.

Also, he has a strange idea that men shouldn't barbecue fish. But we don't barbecue that much, anyway.

Answer 3

No, i already know my wife hates other women, Im ok with it

Answer 4

My husband has always been extremely sexist but I don't mind this at all.  He thinks women drivers are hopeless for instance but as I don't drive I don't care.  I find his un-pc views quite refreshing actually.  As far as he is concerned, political correctness is something that happens to other people.

Answer 5

That's nothing I fear because I'd find that out at the beginning of the friendship.  In dating, I don't believe in taboo subjects and am willing to discuss anything early on in the relationship, even those topics which are considered highly controversial.  And considering I must be friends with someone before I develop a romantic relationship, I'd likely know before the first date.

Just my opinion, but if someone doesn't know their partner is sexist until years after starting a relationship with that person, it doesn't speak well for the relationship.  It only indicates to me that they don't practice open, honest communication.

Answer 6

Oh h**l!......my husband would make a Victorian male look enlightened....but I can't see it has any detrimental effect on me or the relationship.

Being sexist isn't just about men who look down on women, it's about men who view women differently from men.....not the same thing at all.

He works hard, supports the family, opens doors for me, walks next to the traffic, carries the bags.....does the stuff that "men" do.

He doesn't do it and tell me he has to because I can't...he just does it because he thinks he should and I shouldn't.

I'd rather have what I have than a male who thinks female emancipation means he can be a bum and I'll work instead.

Answer 7

Surely this is something you would push to find out early on in the relationship.

How does he treat his mother or sister - do they do everything for him

Does he have any female friends - how do they interact

Discuss topics that are important to you and see how he reacts.

If you have the slightest inkling that this man IS sexist then you must have a good reason why you think this way.

My husband was my best mate when we got married so I knew for sure he wasn't sexist.

Answer 8

My ex was a little sexist, but I blame his incredibly sexist father for instilling that lovely value. He used to say really inappropriate things around my friends and family. Example - we were eating peel-and-eat shrimp, and he stops and smells his finger. He then says, "smells like a woman, doesn't it?"

I wanted to crawl under the table I was so embarrassed.

I don't think you can really delve into someone's belief system without getting to know them.

Answer 9

Mine has a bit of a sexist streak, I think it's part of the requirements for registering republican. lol

Don't really have to "deal with it" because even though he might hold views that I disagree with, and believe me there are many lol, he isn't the type to impose them on me, obviously or he wouldn't be caught dead dating an ardent feminist such as myself right? haha

So nope, no fear here.  We share something much more important than the same ideals, respect for the other person, including those beliefs we don't agree with.

EDIT: the above are right too, you do find these things out pretty early.  Back then I respected the fact that he didn't try to kiss my a$s convincing me that he thought the exact same way, he was very direct about the fact that many of his views are not politically correct and that he's had many people throughout his life try to change him and that he always thought that those who claim to be open-minded are the least open-minded to people who think like him.  

Through the years I've come to see it first hand that he is never rude or offensive in expressing his political beliefs and yet whenever a claimed liberal hears them they automatically become offended just at the notion that someone doesn't think they way the liberal thinks he should.  And then if in defense he tries to argue his position, he's accused of imposing HIS beliefs.  

I find it very interesting and am very sympathetic to him because socially we've shifted to a place where the simple act of calling oneself conservative is somehow offensive to so many people.

I don't know, I'm pretty liberal, but I do think it's f*cked up that liberals now are so drunk with social understanding power that many forget to understand those who don't agree with them.

Answer 10

No. You have to be ready to split up when you find out something doesn't fit anymore for you. But i found it very difficult to happen, because a long term relationship happens when people knows each other very well.

Answer 11

I'd like to think that if it was so bad, I would have noticed it before the relationship became long term. For example, my partner and I have been together 2.5 years, so I think I would have noticed by now if he was incredibly sexist. If the situation DID arise though, and once we got married etc he simply expected me to stay home every day and cook dinner for him coming home etc with none of my opinions being taken into consideration, this would be a serious issue. I suppose to find out early on, you'd just have to pay an AWFUL lot of attention to comments he makes, and decide if, for example, when he makes comments about the waitress serving being a woman, these are serious or they are typical man jokes

Answer 12

How could you be "heavily involved" with someone and not know how they felt about women? I mean, his views should come out in conversations and his actions toward your and other women, right?

Answer 13

I think sexist views would become apparent near the start of a relationship, in the way a man talks to you and treats you.

My boyfriend and I share pretty much the same opinions on gender; we're both happy with traditional roles, and we believe men and women are different but complementary. We have different views on some issues, but if anything he's more open minded than I am!

It's can be difficult, especially with my relationship dynamic, to sort out the loving traditional men from the abusive ones. But I think you'd work it out quite early on.

Some people think that traditional men are all sexists, but I've never known my boyfriend to treat me or other women with anything but respect.

Answer 14

just b/c of who I am...and the way i live my life. Such things tend to come out really early when dating.  

It would just be really hard for a sexist guy to not say anything, up front.

Answer 15

I like normal guys who don't really bother themselves with sexist this or sexist that BS. My BF would be viewed as sexist by some of the people here because he puts my needs before his own (most of the time) but I do the same for him. He is who he is. It works out quite nicely.